Sunday, December 18, 2011

Prayers Are Wishes That Never Come True

When I hear the word pray I see the word wish, because this is what i am defining the word as so to speak.

I use to believe in a god, that there was someone who watched all of what we did, i believed that he control all of existence and that he created all of existence and i use to pray to this god because i felt like i was being grateful to the being that created me and felt like praying was some how me taking responsibility for having a relationship with god.

Now that i see no reason for a god to even exists and realize there is no god that watches all of what we do as there is just extensive abuse allowed on this planet i - i see prayer as just making wishes, which will never come true unless the one making the wish make it a reality.

Now if you going to wish for things it obviously implies that you do not have, or have enough. The only way for a wish to come true is for one to actually physically get up and create it.

When i hear the word wish, i have it defined as asking for something one does not have and expect it to magically appear in whatever period of time. Now we know that this has nothing to do with this physical reality we live in yet we pray as if we will magically have shit fixed for us. Looking at this i see wishing or prayer as a form of self abdication, i cant do this for myself so i need god to do it or i need the power of the universe to magically correct all of what i dont have access to.

How is prayer like wishing? Because it doesnt work, or at least one cannot prove that it works - if one 'feels' good just because they have prayed that doesnt mean it worked, the wish or prayer has to come true so since that cant be proved a prayer is just basically wishing and imagining and creating more of a relationship with the mind as polarity. Its not like you get an answer back from god confirming that your prayer will come true, so it is a wish.

WISH: to want; desire; long for (usually followed by an infinitive or a clause) - that is what prayer is, a want or a craving because of lack. 

Now lets get real for a second and pretend wishes and prayers dont work.... In order for this world to an order that is best for all WE need to fix this shit ourselves, no god wish or prayer can or will ever change this world as a whole and that is proven by our great reality friend called time. How long has prayer wishes and god existed and nothing but destruction and abuse and suffering has to show for it, if we dont take responsibility for all life here as equal as one than we have what we have now, people wishing and praying to fix the fuck up we created; it simple to see that we are just letting the problem get worse and if this continues we wont so time to wake the fuck up, stop wishing stop praying and lets get up can answer our own prayers, lets answer our own wishes.

Wishes dont change us, we change ourselves, through are actions, through our choices, through our participation and there are consequences for all of what we do. If we expect wishes and prayers to fix us than the consequence of that is endless insanity and continuous neglect of those that actually require shit to live.

In an equalmoney system, no one will pray, no one will wish because all have the best everything thus no want or desire can exist because they dont exist ;P 

Where we rid the world of its neglectful inactions. 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Self Dimishment/ Survival Through Working

I had been living with my wife in secrecy for around two years. I got tired of living in such a dishonest way and talked to my wife about it. After weeks of talking about what are we going to do to get out of this situation she decided to join the navy as they have benefits for housing medical and other basic living requirements. She has to be enlisted for four years and it is going to be pretty rough on her but this is what we have to do in order to sustain us. She has the third dangerous job in the world as a ABE and what she does is control chaos. She has to load the jets onto a catapolt and retrieve them. Where ever she is going I basically have to go and since we are married she gets more pay.

She was in bootcamp for two months and this was a month before I started process of redefining the old me that dont give a shit about anything except my own self interests to a person that is caring and considerate of any and everything here. I blogged for a month straight everyday for self support self realisation and for sponsorship so that because I do not have the money to pay for my DIP so I needed assistance within that from someone I do not know which I thank dearly for.

I then moved to my mothers while she was in bootcamp for two months and decided to start vlogging because i saw how it assisted and supported other destonians within self realisation and becoming comfortable with self and understanding how to converse more effectively. Living with my mother was the same as anywhere else just with different people rules; the way it was the same was because it I had to take responsibility for all that I participated in just like anywhere else.

After two months of basically having all this free time to work on myself my wife is stationed in florida where my dad happens to live. This is where my process begins to hault per se. I am not complaining but this was just another thing I had to be responsible for. I move in with my dad and we agree that I am going to work for him at his shop. Now had no problem at all with this agreement and saw it for what it was, another responsibility. My dad is a working man and what he calls it is ''making moves'' which i find funny as hell but that is what he calls it. All my dad does is work ALL day. We wake up and work and go straight to work lifting furnature all day or going to storage autions for his thirft shop that he owns. There were a lot of cases where we dont eat for long periods of time because of the ammount of work we did; not a complaint just an example of how offtend we worked. I never worked so hard in my life; put it that way.

When I got to his house the first week of work I knew that it was going to stop me from being so constant with my desteni i process because when we got home we were just exhausted and just ate and fell asleep and repeated the same thing everyday seven days a week. Now my dad was showing me some work ethic which I can understand because I am supported by my wife and basically he considers me the wife of mine and my wifes relationship lol which is true in the context of this mental reality but I see it as she is more understanding in survival than I am. I dont look at it in that context of comparison as the man is the one that makes the money and the wife is suppose to stay home and cook and clean and all that other preprogrammed mumbo jumbo. I see it as I am to become one and equal to her within making enough income to support us and I have yet to do so because it takes time for me to do financially support us and that is what I am busy in process of doing as well.

So back to the point; I had to put my process to a hault because of all the work I was doing so I had no time to work on myself within changing through writing realizing then living. I turned into a work machine for two months straight and hardly passed my lesson three from the DIP and asked my buddy Marley if I can put my process on a pause for a month to so that I can handle certain things and working with my dad.

Now I am headed back to California and I am going to start process yet again so this feels like a bit of a timeloop. I did enjoy my stay with my dad as I feel like I needed that push to assist me within seeing how it is to constantly work within this current system which is something that I lacked perse. I have requested to start my DIP again and I am going to go into this more determined than ever because living like this is regorous. It is tuff and not saying that I dont have the streaght but I am saying that if someone has to work as constantly as I did those two months just to be rich than its fucked, where is the play, where is the fun, where is self? If all we do is work our asses off than how the fuck can we really ever enjoy life? Some can say well enjoy your work but when it comes to working ONLY while your alive than that is not something to enjoy, that is not supportive towards the physical, it strains and stresses it out and eventually at the end of your time you can be satisfied through only working? Working is a part of life, it is not life, it is a lie. It is meant to distract us from us, from who we are and thats why people become obsessed within work, because this is the system we allow, one where people are afraid to not have. Afraid that if they give up one day of work that they can no longer live. living in fear is not living, it is abuse, it is a lie and we all live it.

Now if we lived in an equal money system, there would no reason me sneaking in and out of my wifes parents house. My wife would not be regretting the job she has now. People would not live in fear of never having money/ fear of loss. People would have time to actually enjoy their stay here on earth. If there was an equal monitary system than I as would all be able to have the time to assist and support themselves to live what is best for all by changing their mind to a system of support instead of a system of fear, a system of judgement, a system of greed. We all need an equal money system so that all can live a dignified life and work out of fear, we would work out of support and self responsibility. Why dont we want this for ourselves, why do we insist in this abuse?

See how an equal money system is possible for all life here on this planet.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Why I Stop The Mind

From the beginning of time mankind has been anything but kind. We have taken over lands through bloodshed and mass murdering of populations. Now I was taught in school that America was brought about by Christopher Columbus coming over here to spread freedom of religion. To do so he killed countless natives and I saw nothing wrong with this. While in school I did not question what was being taught because I saw this as acceptable. But is it really, killing a shitload of people for freedom of beliefs. So we disregard others way of living to live our own through killing. What bullshit this is to kill others because they don’t THINK like you. This is what we just accept blindly, not considering anything else but our beliefs that are not real in the first place. What was real was that a lot of people died due to these beliefs so to live our beliefs there has to be some type of sacrifice of others lives or life period.

Sounds familiar too, within how we believe that profit is what is best for all when people die because of this belief by not being as effective as others in generating profit. For the mind to live as it’s made up beliefs it has to kill those that can’t participate within the belief. That is ego, thinking that one way is better than the other when really there is no better way than the way that is required for all to live which is equality and oneness. How, well within equality and oneness there is no belief, there is just actual necessary common sense towards what is required to live. Within oneness and equality there is no mind because the mind only considers what it believes and within oneness and equality all are considered, all are equal and all are one so there is no separation as the mind as beliefs.

We as man as the mind claim that this is mine, this land is mine, this house is mine, this girl is mine, these resources are mine, mine, mine, mind; these possessions are mine, so in doing so we possess ourselves with these possessions. This is separation, this is the mind and this is what the mind only considers, is itself, so within the mind oneness and equality cannot exist because it is all about itself and what it believes and what it wants and what the mind possess’ itself with.

This is why those of us at desteni stop the mind because there is no way one can stand within the principle of oneness and equality because the mind will not consider all as one and equal but will see all as separate and as divided.

 Man-kind (man support) is anything but kind because man lives as the mind so we are man-mind (man abuse) instead of mankind further proving that we are living as the total opposite of who we are (separation/inequality). You either consider self and only self as the mind as inequality and separation, or you consider all and everything as you as equality and oneness. Considering all and everything as you is oneness and equality, and considering only self as separation of all is the mind as ego.

The mind is here as a separate reality as opinions, beliefs, and thoughts that are in no way real like the physical reality, we are all in our bodies, our bodies are what keep us here in this reality so that is who we really are which is our bodies which is the physical. The mind only abuses the physical and abuses as diseases are mainly caused by the thoughts of people. So thoughts as the mind does not support the physical reality that we are, so lets live as who we are which is the physical because the physical is the only thing that can support the physical. As history is proof enough to show that the mind only abuses the physical reality through force and brutality and if the mind is in separation from the physical reality than it is only commonsense that it will not consider the physical reality and just consume the shit out of it till there is no more to consume/take. By destroying this world we will be destroying ourselves, so lets stop this self destruction and live as self correction till self perfection. Thanks for reading. If you understand what I mean then look up the desteni I process to see how there is a solution for the mind and its abuse. Lates, equality for all we see.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Good-Bye Mind, Hello Breathe

I went out for a talk. I first walk as I did the four count breathe which is cool to do while walking because every four steps I will breathe in for four steps, than hold for four steps, than out for four steps, than hold out for four steps and so on.

I did this for who knows how long, but it was for a good period of time if you will.

I start talking after I knew I was completely stable, here, clear, and ready to take on this point that I dared to face which was stopping smoking.

I had stopped for two days. I noticed though that through those two days that the cravings were gone and all I had left were just weak thoughts. So what I did was when a thought came up about smoking a cigarette I would do a one liner self forgiveness state meant and breathe through it.

Eventually I fell after two days with no smoking.

Well this walk I just went on now discussing this point was about why did I fall within this point that was going so well. Well I noticed that I re-LIED on this point that there was no urges anymore, that I was pretty much happy that the cravings that once possessed me daily were gone so I am fixed, that I am fine, that I am done. Obviously this was not so as I fell eventually just relying on this “accomplishment” of I have no more urges.

Another point that came up while on this walk was that I always was dishonest with self and others about cigarettes. I would hide it from people like my girlfriend, and now my moms husband. I never talked this point out or faced it, and what it is showing me is that by me hiding smoking that I am being dishonest towards others which is really dishonest with self because I am the one living as something that I am not which is still smoking. It is a reflection on how I am dishonest with self for me to hide that I smoke cigarettes.

I need to get over this and face my dishonesties. I see from all this that every time I have a thought of smoking a cigarette to look at that point and do more of an effective self forgiveness so that I can have more of an effective application within living my correction. That whenever I have a thought no matter how light it is or insignificant it seems that I am to take self responsibility for what I allow within myself still. I need to be self determined in directing self to face self in every moment that self needs to be faced. I need to become one and equal to the thoughts that I have and not in a participating way where I act on the thought, but in a way that I can see what I am existing, so that I can see what I am allowing and simply put a stop to it right than and there, instead of relying on the fact that I deleted the urges or cravings I once had. the thoughts are what caused the cravings in the first place so the thoughts are what are left within me so now it is a matter of me facing these thoughts till they are here no further, till all that remain is me here.

I will myself to stop these thoughts that are still lingering inside me that still cause me to smoke, I stop myself from not seeing myself as one and equal to these thoughts to stop them at all times. I am here as breathe so in every breathe I will face myself and stop the suppression I cause myself to experience thus creating me to time loop and continue the same abuse that I once feared facing. I stand for myself as myself as my breathe to stop the abuse that I have allowed for too long now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to share this blog for all to see, thus hiding from others the dishonesties live, therefore hiding myself from myself to not face self.

I stand no matter how much I fall, I will get back up until I’m done.

Thanks for reading always here James

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Falling, Failing, Giving Up are all just not Standing.

I went for a walk last night, breathing being here to communicate with myself about giving up on self. I did this because this whole time I have been giving up on stopping smoking. I never saw it within myself that I can stop smoking; I never saw this as a possibility. So while walking and talking I told myself to first keep this simple, don’t get lost on some random point just stay here focused on this giving up point that you allow yourself to be.

So I asked myself, why do I give up? I looked at that and saw that me giving up on myself is me not facing myself, simple. So I looked at the point even further and just kept talking out loud to clarify how I don’t want to face myself. The reason I see giving up as acceptable is only because I have lived it. Living this giving up-ness has allowed me to live my life to not face myself.  So because I live giving up on myself I never saw that it was required for me to face myself.

What is funny is that it is not required for one to give up. Giving up on self and not facing self is not a requirement to live so this whole time of me living as this ‘failure’ you can call it, has been just a mind fuck of excuses and justifications that I believed were acceptable to live as.

What was funny is that when I went through this point of giving up it took me a while to see that giving up was not ‘standing’, and the reason that was is because I never really stood in my life, just blindly soaked in information, being this gullible machine that sucked in information and spit it out.

I came to understand that I need to stand. I have to stand because otherwise I will just be giving up and falling or failing. Falling is just the consequence of not standing and that is not to be feared (falling). I have fallen enough through my life and through my process. It is time for me to take this point by point slowly so that I can see what I am doing instead of finding some short cut fast route which would cause one to miss the simplest of all points.

I tried to find the source of the problem, like where have I before experienced or learned or picked up this giving up within self to not face self. I paused for some time, just focusing on breathe and looking for the point to bring here but never found it. I came to realize that this is an unconscious point that was taught to me unconsciously through friends and family. This point was not a deliberate point in where friends and family directed me saying “James give up and don’t face your problems” no. This point was learned without my awareness. I programmed myself without the intension, so through my participation with others giving up on themselves and not facing themselves which is socially accepted but in an unconscious sense. So say others are smoking cigarettes to not face themselves which they are than I come along and smoke for the same reason but have this lie that I do it for enjoyment. Whether I am aware or not, I support all reasons why one would smoke.

I came to see at the end of this communication with self that if I am giving up and supporting giving up than I am supporting all to give up on themselves and not face themselves. If I do what is required and face myself here in every moment as breathe than I am supporting all to do stand and face who they allow themselves to be.

Today I have had really light cravings but directing self and standing is way more effective to live, plus with the rewiring of my pre-existent idea of smoking and revealing what is actually was which help support the cravings to just be light to the point where I can face them instead of just submitting and falling every time.  I forgive myself whenever I think of a cigarette and stop the mind and its abuse. Cool stuff here and we will see if this point will be transcended by me.

Well thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed as I did.                                                         Always here James

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Starving the mind

So I went for a walk to focus on my breathe the night before and as soon as I went out the thought of a cigarette came over me and I told myself, “I am out here for breathe” so I started breathing for five minutes and started talking to myself out loud, in a direct way for self realization, because if I did thins in the mind it would pretty much just end up as a mind fuck and not as supportive as it would not be here with me aloud in the physical.

What I started talking about was me failing within my cigarette consumption and how this whole time I was not facing myself while smoking cigarette. I started with asking myself why do I even want to quit? Because for months I have been putting this point off and not actually dealing with it. I know it is because I don’t feel like I can will myself to do this, because I think I am to weak to handle such a point which is my cigarette addiction. So I realized that I my starting point in wanting to stop being a smoker was simply a point of fear. A fear of self destruction, a fear of death. I asked myself well what is this fear coming from? Obviously it was the from the consequence from being a smoker which was self destruction or death. I realized that this was not to be fear because it was just the consequecne when someone only considers to abuse themselves instead of supporting self.

I than told myself well the obvious consequence from being a non-smoker is supporting self to remain here and for me to support myself here, I must not have a starting point of fear or stop smoking because of fear because if I do than what am I allowing? I am allowing myself to be controlled by this fear and not controlling myself directing myself because if I feel forced or will be forced to quit smoking than I am still subjected to preprogramming or subject to the mind as fear. I told myself that I will be my consequence so that I am not controlled by prepregramming. I told myself that I will not be a smoker anymore out of fear of self destruction and that I will determine my consequence through my awareness instead of blindly going through life.

This whole time I never saw quiting a possibility. Like I always wanted to for about two years but never thought I could and I have forgave myself but never really live the forgiveness because I thought of self forgiveness as this mericle worker when it is in fact not. It is a great tool for self realization and seeing how one has accepted and allowed certain points within self but it is not magic and does not stop self, only self can stop self and that is through tools like self forgiveness, breathing, self corrective application, and self honesty.

When I woke up yesterday, I started breathing. Usually after I am done with breathing for ten minutes I will have this uncontrollable urge to smoke a cigarette. But yesterday I didn’t even pop up, no urge nodesire, no thought. I found this fascinating, and hours go by with still no intension for a cigarette. Finally in the afternoon I have a feeling that basically says”hey its cigarette time.”now this is the same feeling I get everyday when I crave a cigarette but this was more extremely light as it was not as controlling as it had been on me before in where I would normally feel like I HAVE TO have a cigarette. It was so light that I didn’t act on it. I was able to control myself to stop myself from being controlled by what I have accepted and allowed which was really interesting.

So I went the whole day without smoking one but than I fell. I smoked one around 10:00pm last night but when I smoked it, it was not a point of desire for one, it was more of the sense of me giving up, and not actually wanting to give up my self interest. So this point of me giving up will be discussed with tonight as I go for another walk so that I am clear with myself and can actually stop this whole cigarette point that I have been putting off for some time now. From what I see right now is that I smoked last night because I feel as if I have already gaven up on myself. This will be handled tonight as I said in where I will find the sorce of me and my giving up-ness.

Thanks for reading, always here James

Thursday, July 28, 2011

My Relationship And How Love Is Not Real

So I have been going out with my girlfriend for about six years. This is something that I should have written in my first blogs but really I just wanted this to be avoided, as I didn’t want to try and give up the love I have for my girlfriend Anna.

I had grew up mostly around Asians, so when I grew up and started to be attracted to girls it was Asians that I was attracted to and Anna is Asian.

While in high school when I was in tenth grade I wanted to go out with an Asian girl so much, it was like stuck in my head this picture that the perfect girl for me would be an Asian. Anna fit the picture as in my mind of who I wanted to have as a partner.

Now around this time she was deeply into her emotions because she never really had friends and was pretty much lonely. So she had fallen in love with me in short amount of time. When she told me this I felt special, wanted, like someone needed me, which feed my ego.

A little after I fell in love with her too and things seemed so perfect, I would leave my house late at night just to see her. We even slept on a school roof one time just so that we could be together. We did crazy things for each other just to be together to experience this mind agreement we both had on the idea of love. The interesting thing about this love though was that I did not experience this love while she was not present, this is why I went through great extremes to see her whenever I could so that I can have this mind drug of love that I defined her according to. When she was not with me I felt this emptiness and just sadness so it was a point of polarity where when I was with her I would feel blissful and completely satisfied, and then when it came to her not being with me I would drop in to a sorrow or become dissatisfied which created the love to feel or seem more real which was this polarity friction.

Now I am at a point where this is happening to me yet again. I was with her for a complete three years of seeing each other every day all day so I hardly missed her so I was filled on this love drug or mental chemical reaction for three years straight. The thing though was that I was that I was living with her the whole time in secrecy so her dad didn’t know the whole three years. It got to a point where we both were tired of living this way which was dishonest and she decided to go to the navy.

So she is currently in boot camp and I have not seen her for over a month and emotions kind of pore out of me. I stop them yes but never know where they really came from. I know it is due to all of the emotions I suppressed while being in love and basically not wanting to deal with them running away from my emotions with love weed and jokes all day, ignoring these emotions like they aren’t something I dare not face. This is just fear and the funny thing is that I always wonder how humans lived in fear, because desteni always explains that human’s beings live in fear and I just ignore that because to me the only fear I was aware of was bees. I see now though that I constantly live in fear by running and hiding away from my emotions, that is why I want love so much, that is why I joke so much, that is why I smoked so much, because I never wanted to face my emotions, because I never wanted to deal with the real me, because I always ran from what I experience myself as and now that I am writing this it is causing so much inner turmoil because this is what I have been trying to escape my whole life.

This love I had for Anna kept me away from all my fears. This is why I loved her so that I did not have to face myself. What is interesting is that I would have never realized this if I never wrote it. This love was never real; it was just a tool in which I used to not face myself. While being blinded by love I never gave myself the chance to support myself. I am afraid to support myself because I never actual had before I came across desteni and the tools they provide. They have you face you with no excuses.

Before I wrote this blog I wrote a letter to Anna and told her that I don’t want to be in a relationship based on love, I don’t want her on the top of my mental mind pyramid of who I value as more better than others. That our love is not real but the agreement we are in is real so I want to be in a relationship for what it is real which an agreement is. I’m sure she will see the commonsense in what I wrote about our love and how it is not real. If she doesn’t than either she stays in agreement with me or not her choice but I no longer want to base our relationSHIP that takes me on a cruise away from what I need to face. This is just my love for her, I will go into the mind further as I uncover more about this love I feel only when I’m with Anna, and since that is only when I experience this love than love is in fact not truth because truth is here at all times for all to see and stands the test of time like the physical reality we are in so love does not stand the test of time if it is not here always. Love is not real if comes when a person comes and goes when that person goes.

So this is what I got out of my love I created so far, thanks for reading, I enjoyed this.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My Girlfriend Is Still Sick, and My 'MYND' fuck about it

so my girlfriend is in boot camp. :( i am use to being with her all day everyday, without her leaving my sight or me hers. she has been in boot camp for over a month now and i have been experincing a bit emotions towards this like saddness some times or thoughts of worry. for this whole month she has not recieved one letter from and i still dont know if she has which has added on to the thoughts and emotions i experince once and a while.i of course breathe through these thoughts and emotions when they pop up so that i can see what i am accepting and allowing instead of just submitting myself completely into a possession. but last night was totally diferent because so far i have recieved two letters from her and the last letter i recieved was last night.

the first letter she explains that she has become sick with the flu, now this bothered me a bit as i started blaming the boot camp because i automatically assumed that this sickness she got was from the navy having them take the flu shot. i stopped as i read futher through her letter and she claimed that she was getting a lot better so i was like this is cool.

the main reason i was mad was because she is not easy to get sick,because the whole time i have been with her i have not seen her sick for one day, but the second letter i get she claims that she has a fever, with the chills, and mugus so this pissed me off because the first letter she said that she was getting better but now in the second letter she is getting worse. i than start having all these thoughts till eventually i become a bit uneasy and start feeling really light headed while sitting down reading this letter.

i stopped myself in that instant as soon as i started feeling this way and started breathing but it was just over coming my very being, basically physically possessed to where my thoughts were over coming my breathe as well. i would try to interrupt my thoughts with others thoughts like stop, look what you are doing to yourself, get yourself together james, you are losing yourself in your emotions right now.

still nothing so the thoughts got worse like " what if she dies, i dont want her to die, everything we are working for now will all go down the drain if she dies, what will i do, can i handle her dying, what will i do with myself, she cant die," so after i noticed or was actually aware of these possessing thoughts i got up even though i didnt physically feel like it went outside and started talking to myself out loud in self honesty to stop this insanity that i created. eventually i gotmyself back to here and told myself to never allow such separation again while concluding this self honest talk with myself. i needed to direct myself, i went to far within the thoughts and allowing these emotions to over come me. what a mind fuck but really i still want to know how she is doing, i have no real way to cantact her so this is something that i have deal with and wait till she can call me or something because anything else such as thoughts feelings and emotions are not what is practical to handle this situation. much forgiveness will be applied on all the diferent points i supported within this one moment.

damn MYND, how can i allow myself to be such a victum of you, i never rarely experience emotions because i would always suppress them by always trying to look at the bright side or by joking about the situation which is no way to handle self, so here are some of the emotions coming out that i have suppressed thanks for reading, keep standing james and stop falling!!!!!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Today's possessions 7/21/11

I woke up (thought) “breathe.”  I did so for twenty minutes. (Thought) “Im freaking hungry, I should work out first.” Worked out and while working out my sister runs up to me and asks me to look at the game she was playing(thought)”fuck man leave me alone” (emotion) light anger because she was interrupting me. I than caught this and I continued breathing and told her that I am busy I will look when I’m done.

I then go on the computer (thought)” fuck twenty notifications, has to be from me suggesting friends to other friend.” (Thoughts) “Oh it’s not, what the fuck cool.” (Feeling) excited because of the thought I had from seeing the notifications. Immediately did self forgiveness on that as I saw that I was fucking myself as the mind.

Chilling on the computer (thought)”fuck I don’t feel like writing right now, so I’ll just read some blogs.” Read like at least four (thought)”fuck I still don’t want to write to my girlfriend but it’s getting late I have to or it won’t send out today.’’ Mom yelling in the back ground, James go get some smokes already (thought) fuck man I don’t want to you do it shit just because you don’t want to put that shit on over your head.” (Thought) ”well you have to wait anyways shit; I’m not till I finish writing to my girlfriend so I can send the letter and get the smokes at the same time.”

Finish the letter then leave to the store (thought)’’ fuck I hate this guy he better not ask for ID like he always does.” Drop the letter off (thought) “I hope she gets this on Saturday.” (Thought)”shut up; she gets it when she gets it.” Drive back and see a cop (thought) oh shit I hate cops.”(Thought) “Stupid just breathe it’s not like he is there for you stop being dumb and paranoid.”
Get back smoke a cigarette (thought) “fuck after this I have going to write self forgiveness; what are you saying and why are you resisting supporting yourself?”

I than start watching the kids.(thought)’’ man you guys are loud.” One of the kids hit the other.(thought) fuck man why are you guys so fucking aggressive?”(Thought) “Oh because you’re Arabian and your dad is aggressive with you guys.”

Well that was all of what I was aware of today, I will apply self forgiveness on all these points that I didn’t take responsibility for seeing each moment for what it was

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Self Forgiveness On My Minds Possessions On The 7/20/11

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts and opinions towards the melody my little sister listens too, I do know what it, I do not know what it is for, and I just judge it because it does not sound pleasing in my opinion, if I am here as breathe then I would not need to be here as the mind as annoyed by things I don’t know, these opinions are not real, what is real is my stability as breathe but I abdicate self responsibility by not looking at what this melody is in self honesty by judging it, I allow my mind to tell me what this song is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mind as a false or alternate reality of what I experience here, choosing to exist in the mind allows me to lose myself from what is actually here, I am here and I am breathe and as long I live as such then I will not be lost in the mind unsure of who I am and what I am experiencing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger because of the thoughts that I accepted and allowed, which allowed this emotion of anger towards this one point that I let get to me of this melody.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to experience emotions because of my participation in thoughts about the melody my sister was listening to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let this song play in my head for an hour, thinking it will just go away and I don’t have to deal it because that is just me allowing my mind to handle the situation thus allowing me to not take responsibility for this melody staying in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate self responsibility by thinking that my mind will make this go away when my mind is what caused it in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain about the song being stuck in my head when I allowed it to be there by participating in the mind, complaining takes responsibility for nothing except further allow the minds systems to run.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate muslims which causes me to hate this song, this hate is a mind construct that I allow through my participation and if I am here as breathe than I would not have emotions or thoughts towards muslims or their songs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that only breathe will stop this melody from being here, it was the thoughts that I participated in that allowed the song to repeat in my head so I had to stop these thoughts through directing myself aloud in self honesty to stop the possession I allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have feelings of excitement because I heard that I received a letter from my girlfriend, these feelings are of the mind and were caused because of the emotions I had towards not being able to be in contact with her for month, this caused me to live as polarity and not living the situation for what it actually is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience polarity as by participating in the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions, they are not real, what is happening is real and that is all that needs to be seen, is the situation and participating in thoughts feelings and emotions is not seeing the situation for what it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed the feelings that were generated by my participation in the mind, this allows me to not live the moment for what it is and live as the mind as some made up feeling or emotion and thus seeing life in an altered fashion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience being sad because of the thoughts I chose to live as, living as the mind is a parallel reality to what is here, it is a false representation of what is here and it is not here in fact so when I am in this parallel reality I am not here in fact as breathe as here as all as one and equal to all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as thoughts and support my mind consciousness system, the thoughts I have towards me not being able to be in contact with my girlfriend are not real, what is real is that I have not been in contact with her and no matter how much the mind does not want to accept this, does not mean that it will come true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts of how my girlfriend feels because she has not received letters from me from boot camp, these thoughts will not allow me to find out how she feels or what she is experiencing, I am to breath and know that she will eventually get my letters and she will know that I support her unconditionally with or without letters being received from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I am a victim by participating in thoughts of “why does this have to happen to me,” these thoughts are not real, they are lies to self to make self feel victimized as if someone is out to get me, but really it is me that is out to get me by feeling victimized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience emotions of sadness because of the thoughts I generated on my girlfriend not receiving letters from me, I am to remain here as breathe stable in every moment in self honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of blame toward the government, the navy, and boot camp for getting my girlfriend sick, she has to take the shots as it is part of the system that she currently in, my mind will obviously tell me otherwise and if I don’t see things for what they are than I am existing in the mind as separation from all of what is here and separation from every point that comes my way.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Thoughts, Feelings, And Emotions Of The Day 7/20/11

I wake up today listening to this muslim melody my sister was watching.( thought)”how fucking annoying, I hate this fucking song it’s so fucking annoying ass song, what the fuck is this bullshit?” (Emotion) anger because of the thoughts I was having about the song. (Thoughts) were repeating the melody for at least an hour in my head (thought while having this melody) “fuck now this shit is stuck in my head, and I can’t get it out because of how much I hate it.” (More thoughts on the same point)”I just fucked myself because of how much of the emotion of hate I have towards this melody and muslims.” (Thoughts while the melody is continuing in my head)” if I breathe it will go away.” I proceed with breathing and I can hear the song in the back of my head still while breathing. (Thoughts)” fuck the value I have on this melody and muslims is too strong for me to just breathe this away.” (Thoughts) “Im going to have to talk this out of me, I have to face it and bitching about in my mind and hating it is causing it to be worse.” So I was walking and talking for a half an hour to myself in self honesty and got the song out of my head and I know how to handle the situation now if I allow this to possess me again.

My mom then calls me and tells me that my girlfriend sent me a letter from boot camp. (Feeling) Excitement because for a whole month I have had only one phone call from her and no letters. (Thoughts)” I can’t wait to read it man this is gay that we haven’t been in contact this whole time.” (Emotions) sad because of the thought I had previously of not being in contact with her.

I then read the letter and see that her brother gave me the wrong address to where she is stationed at.(thoughts) “FUCK NO MAN, this whole fucking time I haven’t even been in contact with her, and now I fucking find out that I have been sending her mail to the wrong address, I can’t believe this shit, I wonder how she feels because she has not received one fucking letter from me the whole time she has been stressing out in boot camp and no one else is there to support her through writing except me, damn this can’t be, why does shit like this have to happen.” (Emotion) just felt like shit or just really down or overwhelmed on her not receiving letters from me the whole time.

When I read the letter she says that she caught the flu(thought) “damn vaccine shots, I know that’s why you are sick, fuck the navy fuck the government for their stupid unnecessary actions, making my baby sick, fuck them man.” Then I saw that I was only blaming them and stopped participating in that thought. Well that was pretty much it today or at least the main things that I was aware of. Thanks for reading and self forgiveness will be applied on all the thoughts feelings and emotions I experienced today that I was aware of.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

self forgiveness on day of 7/18/11

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts of complaint towards the ammount of food i ate, if that is all i have for food then that is what i have to deal with, complaining about it is just conjured up in my mind because i am not satisfied, complaining is not going to get me more food.

i forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain in my mind about how much food i had for breakfast yesterday, as if complaining is taking responsibility for anything here in the physical, by me allowing myself to complain in the mind i am only allowing myself to participate in the mind as complaints as if these complaints are real, i am real, here physically and for me to participate in the minds delusion is an illusion that i cant escape unless i breathe.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anger because of the ammount of food i had for breakfast yesterday, if was here as breathe and self honesty then i would have seen that that was all i had food wise and couldnt do nothing about, and no matter what emotions come up within me because of the thoughts i accepted, does not make the situation im in any better and just allowins myself to separate me from what is here in self honesty.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am actually physically my emotions, emotions are not who i am as life, breathe is so while im busy experiencing these emotions i am not allowing myself to experience me being here as breathe as life as who i really am here in every moment.

i fogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts of me making myself feel better because of the emotions that i was experiencing, if i didnt participate in the mind so frequently then i wouldnt have to make myself feel better to try to escape what i created which was the emotion and thoguhts of anger.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger because my vlog took all day to upload, being here as breathe does not allow me to be possessed by anger, i allow myself to be possessed by anger which traps me from seeing that these type of this happen and that i am not in control all the time, so what use is there getting angry over something when breathe is here for me to not allow such possessions of separation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself from who i am as breathe, living these emotions are to be dealt with by breathe not by living through them as if they are acceptable, they are abusive towards self and all of life because i can project it out towards others which is something i would not like done to me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be possessed by thoughts of my moms computer sucking because it was taking forever in my opinion and really the connection down here is not really too great so if i know this then i am to understand that and deal it in a responsible and effective manner, complaining about the problem will only make it worse, breathing will assist me to go through the problem in stabilty so that i can see self honestly that complaining in the mind will not solve anything.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the computer just because it wasnt working properly, hating it will not make it work any better and if it worked properly then i would only be asking myself to exist as polarity to love the computer when it does work properly, being possessed by the mind keeps me locked away from what is here.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question how long the uploading will take, being impatient, existing as the mind, wanting everything done right then and there, when i can be here to support myself as breathe.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go even futher in my impatience by participating in thoughts about my mom better make it in time for the post office to ship out my letter for my girlfriend, if she made it in time then she does, and if she doesnt then she doesnt, me talking in the mind about this is useless and needs to be stopped by me participating in breathe.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become mentally possessed by my emotions because i was worrying about my mom making it in time for my mail to be shipped out, this possession is through my participation and when i allow it, i allow myself to separate myself from who i am as breathe.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become physically possessed by my mind to call my mom to make sure that she sent the letter to the post office, if i was here as breathe i would have no need to become controlled by my thoughts to call my mother to make sure that the letter was sent.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about how fat my mom was, i am just judging another and being an observer instead of a participator, obsevring with my opinions are decietful and i am not being self honest as to what i am accepting and allowing.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and blame others for the poor reception to the internet, if i want my video to upload i have to be patient as breathe.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i am superior to the kids by telling them when they can use the computer, the reason the computer could not be used is because it was busy uploading a video not because i am older then them to demand them to stay off it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts of impatince by telling myself finally the video uploaded, if i participate in breathe at all times then i would realize that eventually the video would upload.

i forgive msyself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the kids were lucky that they didnt mess up the uploadding, it would not be their fault and i should not be looking to blame anyone, i should be here as breathe seeing every moment in self honesty instead of participating in the mind as separation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the desire for a cigarette because of the stress i created on self through my participation of the mind.

i forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this scene in my mind to of my moms husband hitting her, this is because of the thougths i have of him by thinking one day he will become so possessed by his anger that one day he will just snap, this is not real and if it did become real then if i am here as breathe and me fully here then i would know exactly what needs to be done.

daily writing 7/18/11 my day

(thought) " I should forgive myself for the abuse i accepted and allowed myself to exist as yesterday" i did and took about an hour or less.

(thought)"I am hungry, and all im eating for breakfast is fucking an egg mc muffin" (emotion) anger because having so little to eat.(thought) "well its not that bad, at least i and eat a carrot and plum, then work out.

(emotion) was anger because my vlog didnt upload (thoughts)"my moms computer fucking sucks, why the fuck does it always fail to upload more then once every time." "i hate this computer.'' "cheap ass internet this shit always happens.""why dont you just fucking upload"

i started printing out pictures for my girlfriend because she is in bootcamp(thought) "mom you better make it in time for the post office or ima be pissed" (emotion) mad because i thought she wasnt going to make it in time for the mail to be shipped out today. i then become possessed by this and call my mom as soon as she leaves to make sure she gave my mail to the post office.

i was layed down waiting for my video and started breathing because i caught myself being anger because of the video not uploading which took hours, then my mom got home and sat on a chair next to me and i looked at her stomach(thought)"man your fat" saw this and stopped it as well because i noticed i was judging and went back to breathing. the kids went on the computer and opened a tab (emotion) angry because the reason that the video doesnt upload is because the internet sucks so if someone else uses the internet in my house then it interrupts the uploading process(thought) "fucking kids never listen, how many times do i have to tell them to get off the computer" i told them to get off and that if my video doesnt upload properly then they cant do anything till it is finsihed uploading. it eventually uploaded(feeling) happy cuz the video uploaded. (thought) "finally this shit worked properly""freaking kids got lucky"

(thoughts) "i want a cigarette fuck man."

(thoughts) "man my moms husband better never think of laying a hand on my mom, what would i do, i know anyone else would fuck the man up but if i wanted to handle the situation then what should i do, is he stronger then me, i will just pull him off and call the cops" i was playing out a scene in my head just in case this ever happened.

well that was the thoughts feelings and emotions i experienced today and have a lot to forgive here and correct. thanks for reading

Monday, July 18, 2011

self forgiveness on my thoughts, feelings, and emotions yesterday

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of being relieved that my younger siblings were not home, it was only for a few hours, they are here with me and i am just saying that i cannot deal with others, separating myself from my siblings whether they are here or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that cannot tolerate my siblings because of the beliefs i hold about them, like labeling them as demons and not viewing myself one and equal to them, i support the same system that is allowing them to be who they are by holding this belief about them being annoying or distracting, this value that supports my belief about my younger siblings are not real and not me taking responsibility for what is here in this physical reality that i am participating daily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited because the kids were gone, this feeling is fake because i created through the mind because of how much i hate being around them, this excitement is me lying to myself just because the reason i had this excitement is because of my hated towards my younger siblings is not real either, it is because i decide to not be here as breathe at all times and allow my younger siblings to get on my nerves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience excitement because if the lack of breathe i exist as, i choose to not be here in every breathe so i choose to be possessed by the mind and have such abusive thoughts towards life and my younger siblings, these thoughts and feelings are not who i am as life, i am breathe as life and that is what i am to choose to exist as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience anger just because things didnt go my way, when things are not going my way then i know that i am possessed by the mind because i am not here as breathe, because then if i was being here as breathe than i would not be controlled by anger, and i would not have a way except paying attention to breathe that is what my mind should exist as not some desire that i want to make real, breathe is real and is what i am to be in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience polarity within feelings and emotions, this was caused because of how much i like boba, which i was first excited for, then found out the store was closed and went into anger, on a polarity ride of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall within myself process because i am so use to being the mind instead of being here as breathe in every moment, when i am not my breathe me as my mind is finding ways for me to mind fuck myself into polarity and thus causing friction for me to remain as a slave to the mind and its possessions that i allow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of emotions in my head from thoughts because of what i thought, "what are we going to do no" becoming disappointed because  i have to complain and create this feeling of excitement just for it to go back to emotions playing the polarity game in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by my mind by thinking that i need to check out women to be here, how can it get more simple then to just breathe to be here, instead of expecting or predicting an outcome that is not sure to come, that is the mind for me and i should not have to go through these mistakes to realize this.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect there to be girls that i could check out at the mall, by doing this i am living in self dishonesty and i will not be here as who i am as live if i am living as such separation.(self dishonesty)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts about how nasty the food was at the mall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts on being disappointed in how i thought the girls were ugly down here, me thinking about how ugly the girls are is just a mind possession that i allowed myself to exist as and is me lying to myself on what women really are as life, i separate them with the comparison i give them to other women, they are all women they all do the same shit and they all have the same features, now they may be different in expression but no matter what the fact of the matter is that women are all the same just different in expression, and for me to judge them or separate them in my mind is delusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having thoughts of the cats being big as hell and that i wanted to pet them just because of how big they were, it does not matter how big or small a cat is, they are the same and for me to accept this thought is for me to accept and allow separation, does not matter how big or small the separation is, no matter what it is still separation that i allow myself to participate in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself on how good i did on being here as breathe, that is no way of taking self responsibility, i am to see what i exist as in self honesty and forgive the points where i see that i fall in and correct and live this correction as me as who i am so that i am not the mind as separation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be the mind as separation by being self dishonesty by judging myself for not being here as breathe, it does not matter how good or bad i am at breathing, it matters how effective i am in standing for self in every moment in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts of me wanting to leave because i was in the heat waiting for my siblings to get out of church, this complaining was not going to get me out, it was only going to cause me to act out and live this frustration that i accepted myself to be controlled by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the muslim religion, i am one and equal to it because it is here, hating it will not delete it from reality, seeing it for what it exist as will stop it and seeing that it is not what is best for all will delete it so the hatred i experience for this religion is a lie to self and is not standing for anything except the mind which is also the same reason why religion was created because people existed as the mind to make it up and create it, so my anger towards the religion is made up and created as well not real here, physically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dragging my little brother because i wanted to challenge my moms directions out of amusement and out of spite because of the frustrations i allowed because of the heat, i would not want to be dragged so what i did was abusive no matter what excuse i can think of or how bored i was, i cannot justify my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts of my little brother having to stay extra hours to practice his arabian text when he is not even the race, these thoughts did nothing for me or my brother and take responsibility for nothing except living as separation in the mind.

I forgive myeslf for accepting and allowing myself to experience emotions of anger because of the thoughts that created it, this emotion i experienced was a lie from the starting point which were my thoughts that took no responsibility for anything except supporting the minds separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts of my mom allowing my little brother to be brainwashed with their religion, these thoughts are self dishonest, these thoughts take responsibility for supporting myself to exist only as the mind at all times instead of me living here in every moment as breathe.

I forgive myeslf for accepting and allowing myself to blame my other for letting my brother spend extra time learning him muslim text when he just stood for three hours doing nothing but concentrating on how much his feet hurt, i allowed this too and judging my mom as stupid is only calling myself stupid as well because i was there to before he went and i could have said something as well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have emotions of anger because of what happened to my brother, the emotions take no responsibility for what happened and do support me here as breathe to see clearly why things are the way they are.

I forgive myself for acceptign and allowing myself to have thoughts of my dog being annoying because i cannot concentrate on my vlog while my dog is barking, he is a dog and is doing what dogs do, me existing as my mind is what did not allow me to see this and thus allowed anger to build to eventually want the dog in the cage, i would not like to be in a cage for talking but that is basically what i did to the dog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by my anger and my thoughts and put the dog in his cage because of my ignorance.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

daily writing 7/17/11

i woke up (thought) "breathe for ten minutes". i than get up to work out (thoughts)"breathe the whole time throughtout your work out." my step dad decided to take all the kids to the muslim chruch and my mom says what do you want to do since this is the first time that the kids are not here? (thoughts) "fuck finally i never get a break with those demons" -"what should we do, i want boba"

 (feeling) excited that the kids are not home and that i can go get boba with my mom which is a drink. i told my mom lets go get some boba and we found out that it was closed. (emotion) angry that it is sunday and that the boba shop was closed.(thought) "well what are we going to do now that we cant get boba, fuck man this sucks, stop and breathe." 

my mom suggests to go out and get some chinese food, so we did at the mall. (feelings) excited because i can look at girls while im at the mall. we get there and order our food.(thought)"this chinese food sucks so much it taste nasty as hell" (more thoughts) "fuck man all the girls down here are ugly, this place is nothing like LA." we then start walking around then get to this animal place after eating. (thought) "damn these are the biggest cats ever, i want to pet them" 

we leave and i go back to breathe and tell myself(thought) "damn i sucked today at being here, all i did was judge and not concentrate on breathe." then we go to pick up the kids from the muslim chruch(emotion) anger because i hate waiting in the heat (thought) "why the fuck do we do we have to be here i hate religion anyways." one of her kids come out first and was crying, he than throws himself on the floor because me nore my mom could understand him, i try to pick him up and he keeps fussing and i tell him, "ima drag you" and my mom says no your not you better not(thought) "dont tell me what to do i tell myself what to do" and i dragged him. my mom got mad and slapped my arm lightly and said thats enough james. (feeling) i was amused by the whole situation. 

one of my other brothers had to stay with my moms husband as a punishment for not knowing how to memorize some muslim text(thought) "what the fuck he is not even a fucking arab so why the fuck is he getting in for not knowing how to speak the fucking language"(emotion) anger because of my brother having to stay longer to learn how to speak the text in arabian. my other brother says to my mom what the that is stupid he is a fucking american why is he being punished for not know how to speak arabian, (thought) "fucking brainwashing him." it turns out that they had him stand up for three hours and didnt even teach him, they have him try to understand it by himself while standing up and he complained that he couldnt concentrate because his feet were hurting from standing so long. (thought) " my mom is stupid to have let him go, he didnt even learn shit first of all and he had to stand the whole time he was gone this is just bullshit and they dont even teach him" (emotion) more anger because of what my brother went through because of the abusive religion and the people that follow it. 

so i started vlogging about my 21 days of working out shaving my head and enjoying the sun. my dog kept barking while i was vlogging(emotion) anger because he was interrupting me from my vlog. (thought) "ima put him in his cage for barking so much". that was my day and i can see the separation i chose to exist as. forgiveness will be apllied for the rollercoaster ride of the mind i accepted today.

MY day today 7/16/11 part 1

(action) woke up today, (thought) start breathing. (action) breath for fifteen minutes. (thoughts that popped up while breathing) "i had a dream, what was it?" (thought) well dont think about your dream because you wont remember what happened in the whole thing then you can't see what is going on in your mind." continued breathing then sat up. (action) remembered the whole dream in one moment.

The Dream
well it started off with me running from something (thought) "this running is because of fear." i was wearing sandals, the same ones i have been wearing everyday for over a month. (thought) me wearing the sandals was a way of my mind trying to decieve me into thinking that this dream was real." so i continue running and thought inside of the dream,"why am i running so long and not getting tired?" when i told myself this in the dream the dream shifted from day time to night time.(thought) "the instantaneous shift from day to night in the dream was my minds defense in keeping me distracted from knowing i was in a dream or in my mind." i kept running and noticed the day to night shift and an obsicle came where i had to climb this fence( thought) "the fense was just another distraction from me discovering that i was in a dream." so i hopped over the fense and land into a club wearing sandals.(thought) "my mind controlling me through emotions to judge myself about wearing sandals in a club." so i look and the first person i see was a girl that i was suppose to go out with in high school, she stops talking to the guy she was talking to after she sees me after i jumped over the fense and she comes over to me ignoring the guy she was talking to before to talk to me while in sandals. (thought) "yet another attempt of my mind to keep me in this false reality that i accepted by trying to feed my ego for the girl blowing off the guy to talk to me not caring that i was in sandals." she kisses me (thought) " wow my mind was causeing feelings of joy and confidence by having this character in the dream kiss me to keep me from seeing that i was in a dream." so she suggests lets go sit down and drink and i agreed.(thought) more deciet to keep me entertained that this picture reality of a dream was real" i then go sit down with her and say THIS IS A DREAM. (thought) '' damn every time i had a dream i never realized it was a dream till i woke up or even if i did see that it was a dream i would just continue in it as if it were real." so i kept on saying THIS IS A DREAM over and over and over again and finallythe whole view of what i was seeing in the dream started glicthing, like all i saw were flashes of random pictures for a few moments and then went back to the original scene where i was sitting down with the girl. (thought)"the reason everything was all of a sudden flashing was because of the realization i had that i was in a dream so the way that the mind reacted with the flashes was because i caught on to its illusion and it went haywire, and why it went back to the original scene was because my mind could trick me no more.'' at this i started being able to feel myself physically in the dream while sitting, the i started feeling really sick and just really shitty physically.(thought)"this sickness feeling had to be my minds way of trying to keep me from not moving and trying to leave or be in control of the dream." so i got up and left and kept saying this is a dream while having this sick physical feeling and as soon as i opened the door and walked out of the scene that my mind wanted me in i woke up which never happened and went back to sleep instantly with no dream.
(thought) " damn that was so cool i want to do this every time i dream now, but i think this is happening because of me breathing before i go to sleep so i am here before sleep and then i try to escape my dreams or leave them because i know they arent real. well that was my interesting dream today thanks for reading.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

daily writing part one

I woke up today feeling angry and uncomfortable. i had only five hours of sleep which is not an excuse for me fueling this anger and grumpyness i experienced. the main reason though that i was angry was because i woke up to my little five year old sister listening to her alphabets in arabian. i have this belief in my head on how ugly the language sounds. but my little sister also has this problem with turning things on too loud. like the tv or the computer which i also find annoying so it was a combination of lack of sleep, this annoying arabian melody, and it being too loud. so i feed into this by not breathing because usually right when i wake up i lay down for an extra ten to fifteen minutes of just me being here as breathe to start my day which today did not happen because i allowed myself to be consumed by my minds anger towards all these complants. i didnt really act on it as much but it was to a point where my mom kind of noticed that i was grumpy because of the responses i gave. 
i then go on to write a letter to my girlfriend because she is in bootcamp right now and i havent been able to write to her in three weeks because of the poor city my mom lives in. which i am also a little pissed about because i cant recieve mail down here because my mom has a limit to her po box address to how many people can recieve mail to one po box. i then write to my girlfriend and basically complaining about how shitty it still is to live with my mom still. about her demon children, about my moms husband who is really violent person towards his kids yelling all day, about me not being able to find a job, ect. so this had me in a state of mind possession and it later on played out by me talking to my mom, she had told me that she wanted to see what she was going to do about her living situation since her and her husband are not working out so she basically wants to live with me and my girlfriend. i told her that i dont want her children messing my things up and if she lived with me and that i dont want muslim crap going off in mine and my girlfriends house and that her kids have to become destonians instead of being brainwashed with muslim bullshit. i only said this because of the feelings that possessed me when i woke up all grumpy. because what i was thinking before i said anything to my mom that if she lived with me that her kids are not going to continue to be muslim because it is an abusive religion and i formed this off of the beliefs that i hold about the religion, which is true that it is an abusive religion but i had no research done on the actual religion, all i had were beliefs on how i feel like it is a religion of abuse with no actual understanding of how it is an abusive religion. so i basically mind fucked myself into to only believing how islam is an abusive religion and because of these beliefs i dont want my mother to live with me if she continues these beliefs. 
i was tired the whole day and got to my work out later on during the day which is what i have been doing as soon as i wake up after i breathe for a while. this also had me in my back chat being pissed that i had to eat as soon as i woke up and had to wait for my food to digest. finally when i was done with my work out i went to breathe in the sun for ten minutes and told myself what the fuck james. the whole morning you were in your mind, you allowed it, so you correct it, and i forgave myself for fueling the system that i submitted to the whole morning.
the rest of the day was a bit of a pain because i had to watch the kids and they are just too much to handle at times, but theres nothing that breathe cant beat. i dont hit or yell at them, and they find this odd. because they are use to being yelled at or spanked when they do something that is unnecessary. i simply put them on time out and sit there with them while the are on time out and have them tell me how they are being irresponsible. this is why they find this wierd because they arent being hit, they are telling me and seeing that what they did was not required so they are basically facing themselves. interesting to have this happen though because normally i would just smack the shit out of them or yell at them to show them that i am in charge and that i am superior and that they are less then and that they have to bow down to master so to speak. but no this is not the case, they are seeing slowly that they are responsible for what they do and that they are to only do what is necessary, but of course they will make the same mistake but they get better and better at understanding that they are responsible for what they are doing and that they cant point the finger at someone else or denie what they have done. 
the last part of my day i decided to research more on the religion so that i dont have beliefs or feelings towards this muslim religion, so i watched some vids and looked at certain words and the difinition of the words that muslims frequently use so that i can see self honestly for what it is instead of just being this automated robot that judges based on stories i heard about or just thoughts that i have created previously about muslims. well yeah that was my day of emotions feelings and thoughts that need some rewiring. thanks for reading.

Friday, July 15, 2011

daily writing of day 2

i woke up today and paid attention breathe right away as i always do, but this time instead of keeping my eyes shut i kept them open. there were no thoughts no feelings or emotions that came up. i laid down and paid attention to my breathe for a ten to fifteen minutes, and as soon as i decided to wake up to do my daily work out my whole entire dream that i had while sleeping had flashed into my mind in an instant, basically in one berathe, so i saw the whole thing instantly and it was an interesting dream.

it started off where i was writing a blog lol, and it was about self honesty. it was a long blog and it was on this designed piece of paper. i then set it down and then a random ass scene comes up and i then become this third person view of watching the dream and i was watching these robots fightins on top of this hill like it was their hill and they owned it(the robots). to me the robots were dying off quickly till there were three more. what i saw the robots existing as were the systems that i accept and allow myself to be because of how they were on top protecting themselves only like the robots were my beliefs and that my beliefs wanted to stay on top but were becoming deleted because of the self honesty that i was discovering, i say that they were fighting against the self honesty that i was explring is because  before the scene changed to robots i was writing a blog about self honesty. and in the dream i know that every character in it is an expression that im expressing so that every character is me so the robots were me and the blog about self honesty was me and that they systems/ robots were being rewired/ changed. fasinating stuff.

i then eat and start thinking wtf, why is there such little to eat, i thought this because i usually had food all the time whenever i asked and what ever i wanted or desired because my girlfriend would buy me food everyday for three years, so now that im back at my moms i think it sucks because i dont have that constant food addiction because there is hardly shit to eat here. its just because she is out of food stamps. this is no excuse for my anger but simply why i chose to think through participating with the mind that is use to getting whatever food i want. there are billions that starve with no food for days and here i am bitching about the lack of food my mom has. how deluded can i be.

i wrote my girlfriend another letter today and she called. i was so happy because i havent talked to her for three to four weeks. at the same time i felt sad because of how she was crying the whole phone conversation. the reason why i connected to her crying and felt sad was because of me not being able to write her for these three to four weeks that she has been gone for.

i then go on to have a conversation with my mother about her muslim religion which i think that i still hate, this emotion is because of the value i have on muslims which that they are an agressive religion and that they kill in the name of god like the jihad which is basically a holy war where the muslims expand their religion through agression. my back chat was telling me the whole time how much my mom brain washed herself to this religion.

i stayed and watched two of my moms kids while she took the other three to the park. i told all the kids that we are going to have s form of time out in where we all are going to sit and practice on  only breathing for ten whole minute straight, and they did. the reason and meaning behind this is because of how how crazy theses kids alway are. i told them that we are going to be doing this everyday so that they know stability ability so that they are not that constantly stealing food, hitting each other, being greedy, everyday for a month they will do this so that they know how to be calm here instead of being so rambunkious all the time. well im going to turn this in bfore i fall asleep and dont turn this in thanks for reading.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

why i am taking the ITD

Hi this is james morris. I am 22 years old, I am living with my mom for three to four months. I am waiting for my girlfriend to come back from bootcamp so that we can have our own house together.

I was living with her for three years without her father knowing that I lived there so I would basically sneak in and out everyday with the help from my girlfriends mom. I was tired of living this way and my girlfriend was tired of having me sneak in and out for everything so she decided to join the navy so that we can have a place to live and free health care.

I never really could keep a job because have always been a lazy person never really committed to anything which I can see how that personality had developed because of the life style I had, with my mom always struggling for money and a place to live and lights and gas bills hardly paid on time. Instead of this motivateing me to become someone that hates living in shitty conditions, I had gotten use to living in a 'crappy' lifestyle.

My girlfriend supports me financially and she still does, I plan on getting a job while she is in bootcamp but it will only be for how ever long she is gone and then I have to go looking again.

I came across desteni because I was always looking for the meaning of life, I went from believing god to becoming a theist to becoming an atheist, then to meditation. The various phases I went through to discovering life had been a total mind fuck, just soaking up all that information like a spounge and never realizing that I am here. I only considered outside information that was not me to become me, just gulible as hell never considering self.

My meditation was all about 'stopping the mind' but it was all in separation from the physical reality, I would stop my mind to eperience this wonderful feelings that I never experienced so I would daily go youtube and watch vids on meditation. One day I came across desteni and saw sunette discussing something about stopping the mind and being here as breathe but I didnt consider being here participating in the physical reality as breathe I only considered the information and beliefs that I had previously, on stopping the mind while sitting down high off weed and focusing on my breathe. So I went through a phase of insanity where I was completely possessed by the information of my mind that I allowed and mind fucked myself. I got to videos of andrea discussing when she was possessed by a demon and somehow I misinterpretted as; I need to become possessed by 'my demon' (which I thought would turn into my higher conscious). I eventually came to a video of sunette discussing how meditaion was a form of separation to who we are as the physical reality and I realized that this is true in one moment, in one breathe I told myself I will never meditate again because I know that this whole time I was separating myself from the physical reality.

This realization took place about seven to eight months ago maybe longer and a few weeks after my realization that I was separating myself from reality through meditation I started watching more videos and actually understanding ever word that was said and why it was said by sunette and bernard. So this was the start of me knowing that I create my reality in every moment and every breathe and that I am responsible through all of those moments and breathes and that I need to stop the patterns in my mind that only abuse me and the world I live in. I started to watch videos of other destonians and was amazed by their accomplishments and how effeective they were within explaining their points from pure simplicity. I told myself that I will be one and equal to these people because they are supporting all life equally and they are one with themselves and life. They reseach, they do their home work, they are supportive to all, they have a solution for all, they consider all life equally, they are responsible, they use only commonsense and do not brag about having this sense, they take self responsibility for all of what they have existed as, they face their fears/ themselves, they stop the mind and are still here, they over come their preprogrammed selves, and the list goes on. I know that this was a process ment for all because I saw it for myself with all the blogs and vlogs I read from various destonians. Anyone can become one and equal to who they are as life, and this is what the DIP is all about, training the human to take responsibility for the world and to change it to what is best for all, this is why I am taking the ITD, because I am an equal contributer to this physical reality, I am equally responsible for this fuck up of a world that is here. I am equally here in this reality so it is my duty take responsibility for what is here on this planet that I am here with, otherwise I would be lying to myself like I was the whole time before I came to desteni.

So I blogged for sponsorship and was approved so that I can support myself to become a more effective being in life. I am thanking desteni for showing the tools of writing self to freedom, self honesty, self forgiveness, self corrective application, and breathing while participating in physical time. These tools support all that use their mind as ego and abuse or ignorance. It is up to the 'individual' to see this though and I have that is why I have decided to take self responsibility to become a being that is supportive towards all by taking the DIP. Thanks for reading.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

And God Created Destonians

Destonians show the true nature of things, like the true nature of god. How god allows abuse and suffering just so people can follow him and have some so called faith that one day god will save them. Realistically if god was true in fact then god put you there in that suffering or abuse, why is this not realized or considered? People ask him daily for ‘a way out’ of their misery they are experiencing and do not consider that if god were in fact real then he put them there. The reason god is not considered to allow suffering and abuse is because these people are in denial so they can justify the existence in some higher deity that created all. I do not accept and allow the existence of some higher being that created all in inequality, I don’t not accept and allow some higher form of power that separates itself from all claiming that it is somehow better then all, sound familiar?, like the elitists in this world and how they separate themselves from all and only listen to the man's problems/prayers and do nothing about man's concerns that bring about everlasting change for all. Sounds like god and the elitists are them same in image and likeness, and that we are just here to complain about the reality that they(god and governments) create.

Some would argue that this god placed you in this suffering for a reason and that suffering is needed to learn and grow and understand, but really what is to be seen here is that this suffering is caused by the money system that we all as sheep participate in and the suffering is not necessary if all can have equally. We are here and we are to take responsibility for what is here, we have created this fuck up and only we as a whole can clean it up by first cleaning ourselves, by throwing away beliefs that we there is some almighty being that has everything in control; there is not and as long as humans continue this ignorance than we as a whole will never move on, we will never change. We stop ourselves at desteni and we take responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed and all will eventually go through this process or all will fail as all as one as equal.

Destonians expose god for the abuse and torture that takes place in this fucked reality daily. This is the real and true nature of god. It has been here since the beginning of time (abuse, separation, suffering ect.) and yet people have yet to realize or see that ‘god’ allows all of this pain and suffering for thousands of years for people to experience. 

If you are lying to yourself even further and tell yourself that ‘well it is man that is causing this fuck up,’ well realize that god allows man to fuck with each other. That god lets man starve man in the name of money, that god allows man to fuck up the planet that man lives on, that god accepts man to abuse children and shape those children to become abusers as well.

God ironically created destonians to put his evil rain of terror to an end, we at desteni expose all for their abuse towards life, we expose all towards their abdication of self-responsibility, we expose those that dare not be self-honest, we as destonians expose those that allow suffering in the name of money so if there was a god that created this entire universe then god allows suffering in the name of money as well.

Those of us at desteni expose ourselves as well so don't think we exclude ourselves from this equation of abuse that goes on. We are putting a stop to our abusive behaviors and addictions and I suggest you do the same, otherwise life here will destroy itself which is us destroying ourselves because we are life. To stop this abuse is to stop the mind and its ego that we allow; to stop this abuse is to consider all equally so if there is an abuser in this world then that abuser is you, as all as one as equal. That abuser is a part of this reality we all live in so we are responsible for that abuser existing here WITH all of us so do not judge, do not separate, just take self responsibility and realize that this is who we all are and have the potential to be and if you existed as an abuser you simple know that it is a process to stop this abuse that one participates in and we will walk till the abusers abuse no more.

The reason why destonians expose those that allow this abuse is simple, because they expose the abuse that they accept and allow within themselves, and change it through self-corrective application. If we accept and allow abuse within ourselves as separation from self then we accept and allow this within the whole of man, as all as one as equal. Destonians stop themselves from the abuse that they cause towards others and towards themselves by facing themselves in self honestly in every moment daily. Destonians are not special, they just take responsibility for the mess that man has allowed for too long of a time.

If you see the common sense in what it is that I am saying then I suggest investigate desteni at and to put a stop to the abuse and separation of billions starving daily because there is not enough work or paper money for them to have then I suggest investigate equal money at and to end the delusion of the mind and put a stop to the neglect that man has accepted and allowed then face yourself and get a real education at, change yourself change the world, it is up to you.