Monday, May 30, 2011

Gods Ego And Separation From All

I was always thought that god was in heaven, that he watched over all, and created everything here. I was told that he was almighty and had no beginning and had no end; that he created everything, the devil, earth, plants, people, the planets, water, etc. He is responsible for everything because he has created everything, and has created a divine plan that everyone and thing follows unconsciously. That we are to pray to him and ask for what we need and pray to him for forgiveness for we am born with sin by killing his son jesus.

Now if god where in heaven then why not create everything to be heavenly? Why not have everything in his image and likeness? Why would god not make everything perfect? If god was perfect then why would he create things for him to watch over? If god was almighty then would he create a devil? Why would god separate himself from that which he creates by staying in the highest part of heaven for no one to see? If god created all then why would he be considered almighty when the world is so fucked up, is it because he just labeled the creator, and does nothing for what he has created. It shows that all he does is create things and does not take responsibility for what he creates. If he created a divine plan then what would be the purpose of any of us living if we are destined with no control over what is here? Why pray to god when he does not answer, how do you know that you are forgiven, and what sense does it make to kill your own son for the rest of the worlds sins when god created sin?

God does not make all his creation heavenly because he wants to be the only one to experience almightiness. Everything is not in his image and likeness because he is on top and no one can be there with him so everyone else is on the bottom of god obeying as slaves to all of his commands. God is only perfect because everything else is his creation and enslaved to him because of their/it's imperfections that he created. God watches all to make sure that things don't fuck up his plan and make sure that all are acting according to their predestined robotic plan and continuing to be the only almighty one. God created the devil ;the devil challenge god's almightiness and wanted to be just as almighty. God stays in heaven alone because of his fear that all want to be godly or equal to him. God does not take responsibility for what is here on earth because he does not care because he is fine on top. He made the divine plan to ensure that we stay preprogrammed to believe that he is here for us when he his only here for himself. People pray out of fear of god and get no answers because you do not deserve one from the almighty god. You are forgiven because god has killed his very one son for you to automatically be forgiven and continue to be enslaved to his all forgivingness. A son of god would be gods most valuable thing that a god would present instead of himself, and to kill him for all to be forgiven implies that all are enslaved by gods trickery because you are born a sinner and we all need to be forgiven, what better way then to kill your son to have the mases follow you.

God has the biggest ego ever and no matter how big ego is its not real. For anyone to learn something they have to be taught, so why is god not here teaching? Many can argue that oh well the bible/BUYBULL is gods teachings; but really they are just a bunch of ancient BS knowledge made by people and does not take on whats here equally. The bible is only about god proving my point even more about god being the biggest ego.

Separates himself from what he creates because he is apparently better then all of what he creates. He stays on the top of existence claiming his almightiness and for all to fear this all loving and merciful master.

God has people live and suffer their whole life and then judges them when die because of the situation he put them in, none of this makes senses, religion makes no sense, and god makes no sense for we as humans create humans, dogs create dogs, plants create plants and planets create planets, I say that the universe has no beginning or end and that is the physical, the physical is god. we are the physical and we are creating whats here and we are responsible for whats here. Lets wake up from our delusions and BE REAL, as the physical.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

self forgiveness on not seeing money as the issue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that money has shaped my very being for being who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blinded by my thoughts feelings and emotions to blind when I was younger from seeing that money is why I am the way that I am today.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to money as the issue.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my moms neglect on me being who I am today.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into my emotions when we didn't have utilities in all the houses we lived in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cry when I got sent to bed with no dinner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my moms blame on my bad behavior for not having food before I went to sleep some times.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain about having to wash clothes when I should have seen that this is how we have to live.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my thought demon every time I felt like life was too hard.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get mad when our clothes got burnt by the stove.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see all the energetic experiences I had were who I was but really there I was just born into a poor family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mom absence from work as an excuse to why I should have fun with life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal toys from other kids at school just because my mom couldn't get me some.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal playing cards from other kids at school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that lack of money was the reason why I didn't have toys or cards and that is what caused the idea of me to steal them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate having to move and not being able to keep friends for longer then a year because of how frequent we moved from house to house.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate moving around so much in either worse or slightly better conditions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have moving around a lot effect me in my effectiveness in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous that my mother would have more kids taking away what little attention I got from her while I was younger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate living with my aunts because of how frequently I moved from place to place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger as a child while moving from school to school never holding any friends, when I was not suppose to go to school because of friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others knowing that I use to live in a hotel because of my ego not wanting me to look poor when I was, this hiding who I was at the time which was poor.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care about what others might think if they had found out that I lived in a hotel, out of fear of being being poor.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts feeling and emotions about my living condition with so many people in one house when the real problem was lack of money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate everyday that I spent in that one bedroom house with eight people in it, which caused me to want to be outside the whole time with friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother for becoming Muslim, which was to find someone support us financially.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call my mother a terrorist because she turned Muslim and I resented it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mind to express what I thought of my mom as instead of seeing that she was doing what she was thought to do which was have someone support her and her family she created.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my anger feelings towards my mother, when I was just existing as the mind which was not real; what was real was that she needed money to support her family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like my moms husband because of how angry he was all the time, when I did not know him and how his life was.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of my moms husband as a terrorists just because I always made jokes about everything to not see exactly what was here which was that he was deciding to support my mother and her six kids.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and dress nicely all the time because of how poor I really was, as an act to hide who I was, which was poor.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dress as a lie to try and impress others to see that I have money I never really did.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my friend bail me out of my shitty poor life when all I did was run from who I was.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sell drugs just because I hated working because I felt like I have been through enough struggling in life when that simply was not the case.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go back to my moms when I had chosen to leave her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my girlfriend support me which is me not supporting myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my girlfriend go to the navy because she feels like she needs to support both of us.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be in school because I would rather be drinking smoking weed and having fun with friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others or god for what I am experiencing as thoughts feelings and emotions when it is through my acceptance and allowance that I am the way that I am because of me, I am to blame for me and I and responsible for me and I will do what is necessary to become what is best for all at all times.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and be blinded by the fact that money was what was the problem the whole time, and thinking that others and mother was to blame.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

self forgiveness on not seeing my drawing as self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw out of separation from self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw because I wanted to escape from my poor living conditions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw because of my self interest by only drawing what I desire and not considering to draw towards what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw characters out of obsession instead of seeing my desire to draw was from escaping how hard my life was.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw out of separation from self for so many years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to notice that my drawing attracted others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my drawing beliefs into ever deeper separation by attracting friends to notice my drawings to become my friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate people intentionally by drawing in class for people to notice me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw for attention when the only attention that is required for me is breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that me drawing was really for self enjoyment but instead I used it for other self reasons that caused me to separate myself from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for other kids that drew to try and become friends with them just for more attention and wanting to show off how good I was at drawing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to fear being alone for this is why I have tried to seek for so much attention by showing off how "good" I can draw, hence keeping me from seeing that I am alone and my drawing should be for self enjoyment and not to attract other to notice my drawings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw for money also another way of gathering friends for my fear of aloneness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw for money for person things just because my mom couldn't buy thing for me to fit my ego because of her money issues.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw cartoon women for my own pleasure and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw cartoon women just because I was possessed by how women looked like so I would draw them to make them look better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my idea that women are sexy by drawing cartoon women.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sell cartoon women drawings for money which made it accepted for self on a deeper level of deceit and separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to replace my drawing with drugs and alcohol stopping me from ever seeing that I can draw for self enjoyment and that I can expand with in that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my started point of drawing to be of separation instead of seeing it as self expansion and self enjoyment.

How I Never Seen Money As The Issue

Money was always the issue for me growing up. My mom would always be working hardly ever being home. Candles had to be used a lot because the light bills weren't paid.not having enough food. We would hand wash our clothes in the bath tube and dry them on the stove door. My mom was never there because of money and I never really noticed that till now. My mom left my dad when I was two so I never had any financial support from him.

I remember stealing toys from other kids when I was younger because I never really had any, I never saw money as the issue at the time but it obviously was. My mom would never live in a house for longer then a year as I was growing up due to money problems and so we would live in shittier and shittier conditions. As the years went by she wold have more and more kids pointlessly because she couldn't take care of them all. I have lived with two of my aunts before because my mom couldn't support us all. I just bounced around schools homes till I was like 13 and my mom started living in hotels which I hated. Five kids and two adults packed into one room building was pretty hectic. Finally she moved into a house again that still had one room but this time there were six kids and two adults which was just as worse as the hotels.

She found a way out of her money problem by finding someone else that would take care of her and her six kids which was to become Muslim which in that religion the male is ordered by god to take care of the women and all the children she possess. We move after she is married to a Muslim man who she is still married to till today and had three more kids with. I got my first job when we moved and all I spent my money on was clothes because of how I was so into how I looked even though I was poor which I'm sure is the only reason why I tried so hard to look good or attractive with nice clothes because I knew how poor I was. I then start working at Disneyland which I still wasted all my money on clothes as well. After that I left my mom to live with a friend to have fun but sold drugs to make money and when I went back to my moms she supported me again.

I am now 22 years old and my girlfriend pays for all of what I need which is food clothes and gas. She is going the navy to make more money because she is tired of working at her waitressing job and we need a place to live. I am planning on doing my desteni process the whole while that she is in the navy which is four years, and she plans on joining desteni afterwards when she is done with her navy business. I plan on going back to school and doing something that will get me in the position to do what is best for all. So while she is making money in the navy I am going to be re educating myself and learning the desteni material.

I had all these problems in my life and never saw that money was what was causing it, because I would blame other things like my feelings or god or my mom but it was always money. I am now in a position where I have no money and having my girlfriend support me, she even paid for my desteni shirt. From when I was younger I had not seen that money was the issue and why we were so limited with everything. I will look at money in a more understanding way as it is what "makes the world go round" but in reality the earth moves itself. that term is just used to indicate the importance that we've place on money. in an equal money system we make the world go round, not money.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

My Relationship With Drawing

What got me into drawing was when I was in third grade and my mother would buy cartoon booklets for me from school. There was one character that I fell in love with and would trace none stop, and it was sonic the hedge hog. I would trace this character everyday and within a few months I learned how to draw him without tracing him anymore. Still to this day I can draw sonic without looking at a picture of him.

My friend had showed me how a cartoon that i was thought was better then sonic the hedge hog as soon as I saw it and it was dragon ball z. I started tracing those characters and thought, if I can draw sonic without tracing him then I can draw these DBZ characters without tracing them. So that was how I learned how to draw. I was obsessed with drawing DBZ characters and did it for years. I noticed that when I would draw in class kids would notice and talk to me, I have got a lot of friends from drawing, I would even look for kids that drew and I would try to become friends with them.

I started drawing people when I was in high school and went back to cartoons because it seemed to fit my style of drawing a lot more which was detailed. I started drawing peoples names all fancy to get money for myself because I never really had money while living with my mom. I then started drawing anime women for guys in my classes and just went back to doing it for myself.

I completely stopped when I turned seven teen because i was into drinking and drugs at that time which seemed like a replacement. I know I can still draw just as well as I did before but know that all I used it was separation and manipulation and that my starting point was because of me manipulating myself into wanting to that character sonic that I would read about. There are point that I need to forgive here and will.

If I ever go back to drawing then I it will be from the starting point of what is best for all instead what is best for me.

My dad on equal money

I was up till like twelve in the afternoon watching videos on YouTube and posting on Facebook. My dad had asked me what an equal money system was in a comment. He then started claiming that it would never work, and then all of a sudden my mom hopes in on the conversation and starts agreeing with my dad and i thought of that as weird because they broke up when I was two and haven't seen each other since and here they are agreeing against what needs to take place in this reality in order for there to be actual change. I went to sleep for like six hours tired of being double teamed it felt like. I wake up to more responses from my father and mom. So I try to clear things up for them to have a clearer understanding on what it is I am participating in by replying. It seemed to only have my dad try and refute equal money even more. It was like he was so glad of finally making it in this reality money-wise that he did not want to see that there are others that are in his starting position but worse that cannot become successful or that can do anything with their lives. Well I had left to go and get something to eat and was full so I had to walk it off so I was off the computer for about an hour or so. I came back and there were many comments which I began to read. My dad went from saying how it is communism, to who brainwashed us, to no one would work in an equal money system, to is my son in a cult.

The only reactions I had towards all this was laughter in all of the assumptions he professed which were obviously do to how he has brainwashed himself, by automatically assuming all of this. I thank the members of desteni for all of the support. Thank you all supporting me and my process and supporting an equal money system. Expose the abuse that tries to hide itself with it's many illusions of deceit.

I know that an equal money is what is best for all, others may not see it but that doesn't mean that it is not here. I will not stand for a system of abuse, I will stand for a system that supports all life equally. It is already here and it is us, the ones that support it to bring about change in this world for the world in the context of what is best for all life.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

self forgiveness on feelings towards my dad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judgement when my mom told me that my dad hit her in the face with a gun.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my dad from hearing a story that he was cheating on my mom.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to torture myself through the fourteen years my dad was not there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slave myself to my mind just because I never had a father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself just because I went into self pity for not having a father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my life hell just because I felt empty not having a dad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek attention because I felt like I never got enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder why Susie's kids had fathers and why I didn't.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad and left out when my mom told me that our dad had left me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for the father that left me, when I went to laundry-mats when I was a child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find the missing father I never had.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like it was not fair that other children had fathers just because I didn't.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad about never finding my dad inside of laundry-mats when I was younger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my emotions of sadness cause me to tell my mom how sad I was that other kids had fathers and that I didn't.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree that my mom was my mom and my dad just because I didn't have one and felt like I needed one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy that my mom offered to be my father as well when in reality it did nothing and was nothing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as polarity by having all these up and down roller coaster feelings about my dad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become and feel empty because of my missing father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pray to god every night and ask him for my missing dad to come back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame god for my dad not being there for me when it was my feelings that made it seem like my dad needed to be there for me based on how shitty I thought my life was.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pray to god every night about returning my missing dad to me to save me from the "hell" I lived in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave my mom just because of how anger she would get everyday.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to abandon my mom just because of the lack of money she had.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave my mother because of all the time I got hit by her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate living with my mom because I didn't get to eat all the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave my mom because of how off tend it was that we moved.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of god as my father since my father never came back to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a dad so much when in reality I never had one so the want was irrelevant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my dad as some savior when the fact of the matter was that he didn't give a shit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of god as my father just because I believed that we are all gods children, which I learned from chruch.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call god my father and dad every night that I prayed for years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad when my mom found my dad but at the same time happy because I thought I was finally going to get some money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my dad for my life feeling so fucked up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to move with my dad just because of the poor living style I lived in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if my dad owed me because of not being there my whole life financially.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad that I hardly saw my dad even after I found him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have high expectations when I went to go visit my dad.
I forgive mysefl for accepting adn allowing myself to be mad that I had lived with my grandma instead of my dad.
I forgive mysefl for accepting and allowing myself to want my father to buy me things after I found him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to catch up with my father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go even further into depression because of my father not being there for me even after I found him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my dad did not give a shit a about me and to let that effect me emotionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my feeling towards my father not caring about me effect me by only trying to have fun for the past six years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to try and forget my life by doing drugs and having fun.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck myself over for six years for blaming my dad for my shitty lifestyle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysefl to believe in the law of attraction just because I was into meditation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to believe that the law of attraction worked for me just because I always had weed and gain a lot of information from meditating.
I frogive myself for acceptign and allowing myself to think and believe that my dad needed to support me financially just because I saw that he had a lot of money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask my dad to pay for SRA courses from desteni.
I forgive mysefl for accepting and allowing myself to try and count on my dad when realistically he was never there to be counted on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never see that I was to count on myself on not my father this whole time from when I first thought that I never had a dad to take care of me.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Feelings Towards My Missing Dad

I was born on a Navy base in Tennessee, the reason my dad went out with my mom because he was attracted to her it seems from his side of the story. I only lived with him till I was two years old and my mom left him because she told me that he smacked her in the face with a gun. I think I asked him about it once and he denied it but he was also cheating on my mom at the time she claimed so thats also why she left him as well. When she left I had not seen him again till I was 16, now what happened in between those 14 years was pretty drastic.

For a few years my mom was hopping around to different family members, I can't really remember much of it because I was too young, but it was because she didn't have her husband; my dad to support her anymore. When my mom stopped living with her family I guess she found a better way of survival by moving in with friends, the first one was Susie. I had noticed Susie's kids had dads and I asked my mom about my dad around that time which was when I was in first grade. She told me that I have one and that he left us, and that he always wanted to own his own laundry-mat and maybe one day we would find. We always used laundry-mats to wash our clothes because we never had enough for our own washing machines or dryers so when I would go to laundry -mats with my mom I would always look for my dad.

I never found him and felt so sad about it, I thought it wasn't fair that other kids had fathers and that I didn't. I then tell my mom that I felt sad because of not having a dad, and her reply was well I can be your mom and your dad. That made me happy for a year or so, until I started to feel empty again you can say. I started going to church and started praying to god every night for my dad to return to some how save me from the hell I lived in which was my moms anger, our lack of money, not having food all the time, being hit, moving from house to house more then once a year sometimes, etc. All I wanted was for god to some how answer my prays to have my dad save me. That obviously never happened and I decided to think of god as my father, since I never really had and I had learned from religion that we are gods children so if that was so then I just started calling god dad/ father every night I prayed. I did this for years till I was a teenager, I was living with my aunt at the time and she tells me that they found my dad and that he lived in Florida.

I hated the fact that they found him, I had blamed my whole fucked up life on his absence, and now he is here. At first I didn't want to see him but when I moved back with my mom I did because it was back to living in poor conditions. I was told he was doing well off with money and I felt like he owed me because of how shitty my life was. I had went to go live with him for a month but it turned out that I lived with his mom instead, which was interesting but I wanted to go there for him to buy me things and do a lot of catching up, none of that happened, I saw him like three or four times the whole month I was down there and was even more disappointed with life.

When I came back I tried to have as much fun as possible to forget my life and what has happened in it. Stopped praying completely and went to drugs and alcohol and cigarettes completely. So for 6 years I fucked myself over not having a dad and blaming him for my shitty lifestyle.

About a year and a half ago he introduced me into the law of attraction and like the gullible fool I was I listened and tried to practice it through my meditation; what I got from it was just a bunch of made up bullshit information. I saw that my dad had nice cars and houses and thought it worked, and it worked for me too but in the context of what I existed as, and at that time was fun and knowledge seeking, so thats all that I got from the law of attraction. I hated my dad in the sense that he had all this money to feed his greed but couldn't support his in need of money kid. That's how I saw that as and then came to Desteni which I asked for money to help pay for as well and got a no as well. He says he supports me and what I do but it is just mental support, no actual physical support so when he told me that I meant nothing because nothing has changed. I can't count on him to support me and this whole time that is what I looked for, was his support. I can only count on myself as self support.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Judgement Day Is Everyday

I noticed that my back chat is very abusive. I always look at people and talk shit about them in my secret mind, it gets me know where and it feels like all I'm doing is trying to understand why they would wear such a thing and since I can't figure it out I just go straight to judging them. I see though that I am only judging out of lack of understanding. I also see that that being has their own life and their own choices in style and that I shouldn't be trying to understand because even if I did it could still lead me to judge. So like I said my judging on others gets me nowhere in life or in my head but to some made up conclusion that I use to satisfy myself out of lack of not knowing and just because it doesn't fit my made up standards. When I judge others for what they wear it is evil and it is demonic, I become possessed by the thoughts and refuse to stop the thoughts because my mind want s to know it all. In reality though my mind knows nothing, all it is doing is attempting to understand which is obviously a lie and stupidity I have not live as that person has, I have never considered them as who they are. Now what they where doesn't define them self honestly but it defines them as the mind, I am also using my mind to grasp the idea of why the would try to wear such a thing but in reality all I am doing is mind fucking myself say that it's okay to make fun of people and that I should live this way continuously. 

it is not acceptable and it is a fucked up way to live by constantly looking for people to make fun of because I am bored or just don't give a fuck. I should be paying attention to myself instead of doing nothing and talking shit about others to my secret mind or as a secret to friends. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk shit about others in my secret mind as the day goes by. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an abusive back chat system that chat about others abusively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my secret mind to talk shit about people and what they wear judging them as if I know all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people out of lack of understanding.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and understand why people wear the things they wear just because I would not wear what others wear like I am better then them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and figure out why people wear the things that they wear when all I'm am doing is mind fucking myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others in my secret mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be such a shallow person in judging those to my invisible standards of what people should wear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by my mind by judging all that I see. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my mind by judging others automatically.

when ever I see a being I will see them as an equal, I will be self honest as I leave and look at others and worry about where my mind is going and stopping it, instead of participating with it because it will only take me down a road of demonic abuse that is in no way considerable towards all and which exists as self interest and self deception. this will be a process but I will walk it because I see it is what I exist as as the mind and it is not what is best for all. In no way am I loving my fellow man by judging them. I judge only myself as I judge others. I support no one by judging others not even myself, it is only abuse.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

clearing out my water

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in bashar and other channelers and what they talked about.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be interested by channelers.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there were other dimensions when I am in this reality and it is what I am responsible for and should be the only reality I pay attention to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be interested by the thought of aliens existing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there were different types of gods in different dimensions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there were such things as galactic warriors and that I was one too.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that there were chakra's and that everyone one had them including me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to meditate for a year, a year of me doing nothing for myself or for anyone else just out of ignorance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the fact that I was trying to escape the reality that I exist in by meditating and believing all the chakra and different dimension B.S.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conversate with others about my meditation as a form of manipulation just so that I can have someone agree with what I was that I was doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was some god.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself from life by thinking that I was some powerful god.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I had some higher conscious that was my god that I had to communicate with through meditation which only made me want to meditate more and more.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to that I would magically get godlike powers so that I can feel powerful just because I currently feel powerless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to think that I had to communicate with my higher being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my stupidity get the best of me by listening to all the bull shit on youtube about spirit guides and higher beings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mind to interpret all of the bullshit I watched on youtube.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for answers outside of me which obviously cause me to deceive myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that me and my friends were characters from and anime show just because we liked the show and wanted to be them basically.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel the idea of me and my friends being gods by watching a show that had a little of the same content of what we believe in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit on my ass and do nothing for hours to just get pleasure in my mind from meditating.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify smoking more weed just so that I can better my meditation experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create all of my meditation experiences through my participation thinking that it was who I was as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as self interest by thinking that I could get powers in this world and that no one else could which only fueled my ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to misunderstand a lot of the desteni videos out of ignorance and existing as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see what Andrea was actually talking about in her videos because of my self interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as my mind and not hear what desteni was was saying.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel regret or shameful because I found out that I was lying to my friends the whole time and they believed me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have to have someone else explain to me what it is that I am doing and what I should do when it is common sense what I was doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this mess that I never really thought I had to clean.

My Meditation Experience

I first thought of me meditating by watching videos of channelers, basher, April Croft, and others, I saw it as interesting. What interested me into it was how the channelers talked different dimensions, aliens, gods, galactic warriors, chakras, and meditating. I saw meditating as a way into the dimensions. It was me wanting to escape reality but while I was participating in my meditation I had not considered this. I had two other friends that liked to participate in discussions about meditation.

The reason they were in such agreement with the whole meditation thing was because all three of us believed that we were gods somehow and that we had to somehow magically communicate with our higher conscious to somehow activate our godlike powers that were in the dimensions somewhere and to talk to them we had to meditate. Pretty much the whole story was made up by me because of all the B.S. I believed in from videos on YouTube, I just put it all together and tried to see how my life at the time related to all the information I received. 

At the same time I was watching an anime where there were three godlike characters and my two other friends and I actually believed we were those characters and that our powers would be similar or the same as theirs it was only to fuel the idea of us being gods.

I was spending hours a day meditating just shutting my mind off so that I could not be here in hope that
I would gain some magical powers that no else in this world had. Of course this was ignorant of me to think but really all my life I was pretty stupid.

I started to smoke weed a lot more because I noticed my experience in meditation was enhanced. I would actually experience crazy things as I meditated high but I know it was just an excuse for me to get high more and trying a better way to experience my high. 

One of the first desteni videos I saw was one with Andrea, explaining her demon possession and only listened to what I wanted to listen to and just possessed by my stupidity to not see what she was actually talking about. I did the same with the bit of Sunnete's videos I watched and then started to see what it was desteni was actually talking about with the little bit of comments, asking questions, and coming to hear Bernard. I can see how deep I existed in my mind the whole time when I listened to Bernard. I started coming across videos where Sunette talks about how stop the mind and how meditation was deception. This stopped me with my participation in meditation and I told my friends as well but they did not want to believe me. They never really meditated but they believed they were going to be gods and someday they'll get powers to stop the government, I blamed myself for this for a while till I think it was Andrea that told me it was their fault for accepting and allowing the B.S. I presented them and to worry about myself so I am and I need to talk self responsibility for what I created. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Why I Danced

I remember the first time I started listening to music, my mom would go clubbing every weekend or so when I was in first grade. Whenever she was cleaning she would be listening to music I guess as a motivation, but I was always there listening with her. While she was cleaning and listening to music she would dance at the same time. I was interested in knowing how to do dance as well. I asked if she can teach me how to dance and of course she agreed. She taught how to follow beats and listen to them and move on every count of a beat. 

The type of music she listened to was house music. After I learned how to follow beats she then taught me how to pop, which is waving your body and arms. When I went to third grade I felt like I was pretty much perfect at following beats. I had a baby sitter that had older children that knew how to break dance and pop. They showed me more detailed moves in popping and I learned a little break dancing as well. 

When I got into seventh grade I went to dances every weekend. I met a friend that taught me how to crip walk and that was what I did mostly at dances to battle people to show off how much better I was then others. It was really a competitive feeling the whole time but I used it for fun. I remember the disses I would do to others to try and prove how much better I was at dancing. Just feeling like I always had to prove something when in reality I was just dancing and showing off looking for attention. I noticed that I attracted girls as well and I liked the feeling. It just boosted my ego even more as I had noticed that girls were attracted to my dancing. What also boosted my ego from dancing was that I not only attracted girls but friends as well, which is obviously separation but I saw it as normal; people liking people for the things that they did and not who they were as life. I know that It was manipulation just to get others to pay attention to me and like me and be my friend.

Now when I was in tenth grade(high school) my ego was huge as hell because of the amount of friends I had attracted by being a "dancer." All I would do was battle everyone I knew that danced and no matter how good they were I always told myself that I won the battle. All I listened to was techno and rap. That was what I danced to. When I turned 18 that is when I started clubbing, pretty much ending up like my mom, did the same/ shame shit as her. I danced so much and all it did was make me feel good about myself for that short period of time only, and after I was done clubbing it would be back to reality.

I started taking ecstasy for about a year because of dancing, I would dance for hours upon hours at raves, by myself, or with others to fuel this love I had for dancing and music. After a while I hated the fact that I felt like shit from the come down off of ecstasy and eventually stopped. 

I then moved on to smoking weed all the time because it was a less effect on my body and it help me be more creative within dancing. All I listened to was dubstep for the past two years because I had a friend named Robert who showed me dubstep. I felt like popping and dubstep and weed went hand in hand together and couldn't get enough of that life but if one stop existing in the mind for just one second then you can see how obsessed and possessed you can be over your self interest. 

This is why I have deleted all of my dubstep music, I no longer see it as motivation or what I should be focusing on, to me it is not life and it is no longer what I want to exist as. It distracts me from what is here and I no longer want to listen to it to motivate me to dance. I really don't see dancing as productive either. I see it as someone trying to have others notice the one who's dancing to show that they are better or higher in life by showing off senselessly, just for self gratification or to attract others. I no longer want to dance for these reasons, I no longer want to dance period and when I feel the need or urge to dance I will stop myself, of course this will be a process but I will use the desteni tools to apply myself effectively as life as what is best for all.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so interested in music and allowed myself to be so sucked into it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use music as motivation to dance just because I thought I should do it because my mom was doing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think just because I saw my mom dancing to music meant I should be dancing to music as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be interested by music just because I saw my mom dancing to it when I was younger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask my mom to teach me how to dance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to understand music because I wanted to out of self interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to learn how to pop because I learned how to follow beats.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like that I knew others that danced so that they could teach me more ways of dancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to learn more effective ways of popping so that I can get better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to learn how to break dance as well just so that I could fit in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to learn new dances so that I can fit in and be better then them eventually.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to battle people at dancing to that I am better then them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to prove something just because I exist as my ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to show off what I can do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be competitive in my dancing every time I battled someone to feel good about myself beating them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I was dancing out of fun when I self honestly was dancing to show off and get attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diss people that I would battle to imply that they suck and that I'm better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use dancing as a way of showing off and using it to grab the attention of girls and friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to boost my ego by attracting women by dancing and friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my dancing to attract girls and friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as separation by attracting others by dancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it was normal to attract friends and girls by using what talents you have so they can think that your special in some way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others by dancing to have them pay attention to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have such a well established ego by tenth grade in by having so many friends that I got to pay attention to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as the best dancer just because my ego was so huge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use techno and rap to dance to which made me feel like it made me better at dancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to clubs and use so much money just to go dance for the time that it lasted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my moms footsteps by being a dancer and going to clubs. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dance just to feel good about myself, which was for a short period of time and so limited.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take ecstasy just because it made dancing seem longer for me to experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body by taking so many pills to feel good about myself and to justify that I should continue dancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel my love for dancing by taking drugs and battling people and attracting people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love music so much when all I did was use it to abuse myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ecstasy to dance when there was a consequence of pain and feel like shit after using it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ecstasy for a year to dance and listen to music.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use weed to make my dancing more creative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify that weed is less abusive towards my body then ecstasy when they are both abusive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to dubstep; just redefining my previous experiences with music.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like Robert showing me dubstep when I really just wanted to just fuel my ego and self interests more by having new music to listen to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I found the perfect music and drug to mix with my dancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I could not get enough of dubstep, weed, and popping.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsessed and possessed by my dancing addiction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have dancing as my motivation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus my life on dancing and music.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that dancing music and weed was life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have dancing weed and dubstep distract me from what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see dancing weed and dubstep as productive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use dancing as self gratification to attract others to show that I am better then them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dance to attract others, to show off, to seek attention, to make others feel less then me, to compete, to listen to music, to feel good about myself, and to do drugs.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Self- Forgiveness For More Effective Application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react off of peoples thoughts and opinions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the mind and not be here as breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give attention to my thoughts instead of being here as the breathe of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and convince others to see what I see.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and influence others to understand equality when they don't want to see what it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk other people into seeing what equality is just because I feel like I know what it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self-honest to myself and ask myself why don't people want to see equality instead of having to try and make them understand it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and show what equality is by force.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face myself to see who I self honestly am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never question who I am in each and every moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing who I actually am self honestly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself to myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable by being self honest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be one and as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I exist here as the physical because this whole time I thought I was my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that who I am as life is one and equal to the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I was being abused as the mind when in reality it is the physical that gets abused all the time because of the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the physical is always here being abused when the abuse that exist in the mind here for such a small amount of time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself from all the abuse that exists in the world by concentrating only on my abuse which is self pity and which is never in consideration of all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsibility for what is here in this physical reality which is abuse on all levels.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not pay attention to the abuse that goes on all around the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in humanity's abuse towards all of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see my true self honest being because I'd rather exist in the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a part of destroying the planet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support in causing the planet to die.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed and for all to see me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have others see who I self honestly am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see who I self honestly am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see the abuse that we as a humanity have created.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not responsible for the abuse that exist in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not want to see the abuse that we've created in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be self responsible for what goes on in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have destiny/desteni be responsible for what is in this reality and not me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to change into what is best for all because of my self interest and ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not change because I am afraid to expose myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to change who I am because I do not want to be self responsible for what goes on in the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not change because I don't want to see the abuse that exist in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to change because I never wanted to be self honest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can not change because I am too small and not important in the world when I am a part of it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that we are not one and to exist as separation thinking that others are higher in existence then others simply because of money or opinion, or because I was programmed to think that way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not think that a starving person deserves what I deserve simply because I never care for anyone other then myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support abuse and abusers.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see all as one and equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to destroy oneness and equality by existing as my mind and being an abuser.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the continuation of abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start my process so late.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and abuser.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsibility for the mess that we've created as a whole.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard myself as life as the physical as all as equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsibility for who I am as life.

I am life and I will will myself to be one and equal to all by removing all systems and programs I exist as and redesigning them to what is best for all, that is my self responsibility, as life.

What About Those That Don't Want To Be Equal

I had this point come up the past few days with more then one person about, why don't people that you talk to about equality understand you or it? I asked myself this same question yesterday and came to the realization that it is for the same reason we are participating within equality. We want to face ourselves, and by that I mean seeing who we actually are; that is being vulnerable and exposed, but is that not what the physical is?, It is so easily abuse but at the same time it is ALL-WAYS here. We want to see all the abuse in the world and take self responsibility for all of what we've participated in as humanity. 

Who wants to see the real self honest self, who want to see that we are causing the world to die, who wants to vulnerable or exposed, who wants to see abuse and feel it as them knowing that if there is abuse in this world that it is caused by us, and who wants to take self responsibility for what is in this reality? No ONE but desteni. These are the reasons why people don't want to change. This is why people don't want to be one and equal because for once in there lives they will see the absolute truth and that is that we are all one and equal and that means if one person in this world is starving then we all starve because that person is part of the whole and is us.

Someone told me yesterday that it is inequality to not pay attention to abusers, but is it really. Have a look at what is implied here; support abusers. If I stand for all of life as one and equal to it then why would I support a destroyer of that? There is no point in that and will just cause abuse to continue. I am in the process of stopping all of my abuse, why would I support someone else's when I see all equal? If I see myself as equal to an abuser then I am an abuser, in the context of me existing as one and equal to all. If that person that is an abuser will not take self responsibility for the mess that we have created as a whole then others will, its that simple, the abuser disregards himself from being one and equal. It is all around us (the physical) and it is the only truth. It is who we are and if you do not take self responsibility for who you are then you simple die and go back to the source (earth/physical). 

The abuser gives up who he is and therefore leaves his problems to the physical. We as equals as the physical will stand for who ever falls! This is why desteni does not pay attention to abusers, because they will pick up the worlds shit and all of it.