Sunday, May 22, 2011

Feelings Towards My Missing Dad

I was born on a Navy base in Tennessee, the reason my dad went out with my mom because he was attracted to her it seems from his side of the story. I only lived with him till I was two years old and my mom left him because she told me that he smacked her in the face with a gun. I think I asked him about it once and he denied it but he was also cheating on my mom at the time she claimed so thats also why she left him as well. When she left I had not seen him again till I was 16, now what happened in between those 14 years was pretty drastic.

For a few years my mom was hopping around to different family members, I can't really remember much of it because I was too young, but it was because she didn't have her husband; my dad to support her anymore. When my mom stopped living with her family I guess she found a better way of survival by moving in with friends, the first one was Susie. I had noticed Susie's kids had dads and I asked my mom about my dad around that time which was when I was in first grade. She told me that I have one and that he left us, and that he always wanted to own his own laundry-mat and maybe one day we would find. We always used laundry-mats to wash our clothes because we never had enough for our own washing machines or dryers so when I would go to laundry -mats with my mom I would always look for my dad.

I never found him and felt so sad about it, I thought it wasn't fair that other kids had fathers and that I didn't. I then tell my mom that I felt sad because of not having a dad, and her reply was well I can be your mom and your dad. That made me happy for a year or so, until I started to feel empty again you can say. I started going to church and started praying to god every night for my dad to return to some how save me from the hell I lived in which was my moms anger, our lack of money, not having food all the time, being hit, moving from house to house more then once a year sometimes, etc. All I wanted was for god to some how answer my prays to have my dad save me. That obviously never happened and I decided to think of god as my father, since I never really had and I had learned from religion that we are gods children so if that was so then I just started calling god dad/ father every night I prayed. I did this for years till I was a teenager, I was living with my aunt at the time and she tells me that they found my dad and that he lived in Florida.

I hated the fact that they found him, I had blamed my whole fucked up life on his absence, and now he is here. At first I didn't want to see him but when I moved back with my mom I did because it was back to living in poor conditions. I was told he was doing well off with money and I felt like he owed me because of how shitty my life was. I had went to go live with him for a month but it turned out that I lived with his mom instead, which was interesting but I wanted to go there for him to buy me things and do a lot of catching up, none of that happened, I saw him like three or four times the whole month I was down there and was even more disappointed with life.

When I came back I tried to have as much fun as possible to forget my life and what has happened in it. Stopped praying completely and went to drugs and alcohol and cigarettes completely. So for 6 years I fucked myself over not having a dad and blaming him for my shitty lifestyle.

About a year and a half ago he introduced me into the law of attraction and like the gullible fool I was I listened and tried to practice it through my meditation; what I got from it was just a bunch of made up bullshit information. I saw that my dad had nice cars and houses and thought it worked, and it worked for me too but in the context of what I existed as, and at that time was fun and knowledge seeking, so thats all that I got from the law of attraction. I hated my dad in the sense that he had all this money to feed his greed but couldn't support his in need of money kid. That's how I saw that as and then came to Desteni which I asked for money to help pay for as well and got a no as well. He says he supports me and what I do but it is just mental support, no actual physical support so when he told me that I meant nothing because nothing has changed. I can't count on him to support me and this whole time that is what I looked for, was his support. I can only count on myself as self support.

No comments:

Post a Comment