Monday, May 2, 2011

How I am controlled by cigarettes

I have been smoking cigarettes for around five years now. When I started it was only be when I consumed alcohol. I told myself and friends that I would only smoke when I drink. I liked how it would make me feel while being buzzed and smoking. The next month or so I went to buy a pack while I was sober. I didn't see it coming but I should have. The first one I smoked sober got me so light headed, I loved it. So my consumption level of cigarettes at this point was at a pack a week, even though I shared some with friends. About two months of me smoking cigarettes and enjoying that light headed feeling, and all of a sudden it was gone. The reason why I smoked cigarettes was gone. I continued to smoke even though the reason was not there anymore, I guess wanted it to comeback. It never did and for three more years I smoked a pack of cigarettes in three to four days, not considering the harm that I did to my body. So after those three years of smoking a pack every three to four days. After three years I started killing a pack within one day. A lot of my cigarette smoking was also because I loved being high from weed all day. I was a pothead for three years straight and I'm sure weed was what influenced me to smoke more cigarettes. This lasted for so long and never considered quiting. About four months ago, thats when I told myself ,"damn James, you smoke way too much cigarettes.'' Didn't quit though, just cut down my consumption. Every time I would buy a pack I would smoke a few then give the rest to my friends. I then thought that this was silly of me to do and just started throwing away more then half a pack every time I bought a pack. (which was everyday) I than started thinking wtf am I doing. I want to quit but I keep smoking. There are people in the world that can't even afford a pack of cigarettes and here I am buying a pack to smoke only three or four of them then throw the rest away, what a waste of money. So I stopped buying packs but continued to smoke by asking my friends for some everyday I saw them. I would smoke two to three every night as if it was okay. I smoked three last night and two the night before from a friend. I understand that I wont quit unless I forgive myself for doing this and continue to forgive myself every time I fall, crave, or even just think about one. I have done so many stupid and inconsiderate things because of cigarettes.
I use to smoke with my mom, so I guess I saw it as perfectly fine. She would even hide it from her husband. I have hid it from my girlfriend for about a week or so now. I am going no where with the abuse towards myself and lies towards others and myself.
I hear that politicians make most of their tax money from cigarettes. I have been supporting the government and their abusive capitalistic system by buying cigarettes. How can I make a difference in this world if i am supporting it to stay the same by supporting current money system. I need to exist as what is best for all, and cigarettes is not best for anything. Cigarettes destroys every organ in ones body so I am done with the support of this abuse now that I am in the process of self correction and re-designing myself to do what is best for all in every moment as life as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my mind to convince me that cigarettes make me feel good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my human physical body by smoking cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that self forgiveness will not support me to quit smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that its fine to smoke just because my mom has smoked with me before.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy cigarettes when they are clearly harmful to all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lower my immune system from smoking so many cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it is impossible for me to get cancer from cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stain my teeth from smoking cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think cigarettes are fun and enjoyable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use so much money towards cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have constant thoughts about cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use cigarettes as a form of stimulation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie about smoking cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take so long to actually stop my cigarette addiction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self- interest by smoking cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do whats best for all by smoking cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke cigarettes abusively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my back-chat win every time I don't want to smoke a cigarette.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke cigarettes every time I would smoke weed or drink alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that cigarettes help me deal with my emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow others to give me cigarettes when I was trying to quit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my ego think that I'm invincible to being harmed by cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm every organ in my body just because I don't want to deal with reality and what goes on inside of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to everyday smoke cigarettes as if I needed them or like I would die if I didn't have one when in fact I will die if I continue to have them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put money in the pockets of the wealthy by smoking so much.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support this current money system by buying so many cigarettes daily.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take away my breathe by smoking cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be control by my cigarette addiction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let cigarettes be one and equal to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love the light headed feeling I would get from when I first started smoking cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke cigarettes for five years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let weed boost my self interest and influence me to smoke more cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my cigarettes to my friends trying to make me feel better about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think just because I cut down on my consumption of cigarettes, that I doing the right thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through a pack a cigarettes everyday for at least a year.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make sure that I would be able to have a cigarette every time something does not go my way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide that I smoke cigarettes from my girlfriend.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be inconsiderate towards all for smoking cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as life by smoking cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved  by cigarettes.

I will no longer be controlled by cigarettes. When a thought comes up about smoking, breath and apply self forgiveness to get rid of it, I will "will" myself to doing this. Everyday all day till it is completely gone. I am going to free myself from this. Now I need to live this as who I am.

No comments:

Post a Comment