Friday, May 6, 2011

how to have a clear starting point

Within my whole life I have never had a clear starting in any of the choices I made. Everything I did was out of fear, not knowing and just doing it(influenced), and being told that it's something I have to do. Whenever I cleaned my room when I was younger it would be out of fear, fear that I would get hit by my mom if the room was not clean. When I believed that there was a god in the sky that watched all of what you do I was influenced by my mom and the church to do believe. Being told that I have to have a job to support my wife.

All of my choices have been based off of these three points, influenced, have to, and fear. I don't know how to have a clear starting point with in what it is that I am doing because my decisions would always have these three starting points. These three points that control my decision making keep me in my mind. They lock me in my mind, and I fear sometimes that there is no way out. I pay attention to my breathing as much as I can but my mind just comes over me. I play out so many scenarios in my head that I just get lost, and the moment the thought is done it is sometimes hard to go back and check out what I was thinking about. If I self honestly look at what it is that I'm doing, then all I see is that I am existing in my mind as manipulation. Why else would I re-play scenes in my head about situations that I had previously experienced and try to change the outcome when that situation is not happening in that moment. I am separating myself from what is here by hoping one day that I can manipulate the same situation to go my way next time if I were to come across it again. I feel like I do this to myself because my starting point of every decision was either through my fear, through what I have to do, or being influenced. I exist this way because I was directing my life this way. The reason I exist in my mind always creating these scenarios is because I have allowed fear and influence guide my decision making, never having a clear understanding in what it is that I'm doing, thus walking and making every decision aimlessly.

Now to change this I have to breathe, take my time with in what it is that I need to take responsibility for. When I make a decision I need to make sure that I am here, as breathe, stop the mind and see self honestly what is best for all. Meaning that my mind scenarios don't exist, I exist, here as breathe, and when a decision comes up I will not participate in the mind, I will consider all possibilities, not just one that will suite my character my mind created through my participation. If I go into my mind while I'm making a decision then I must stop my mind and breath because it is whats best for all by stopping the mind and self honestly what needs to be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and manipulate situations in my mind just because I was manipulated to do things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go through scenarios in the mind to try and manipulate things to go my way when it obviously is not whats best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear as a starting point with in the choices I've made in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions in my life just because I felt forced to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never consider what is best for all by having a clear starting point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced into making decisions as a child, thus causing me to be influenced by my mind to make all my decisions for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use mind to manipulate others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my mind as if any of what goes on in it is real, what is real is the physical, and me here, so that is what I need to participate in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make play out scenes in my mind to go my way, when it is never real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do what is best for all by using my mind to make my decisions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never have a clear starting point with in what it is that I need to take responsibility for because I created it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as my mind instead of me stopping my mind and breathing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as separation by participating in the mind instead of giving myself the chance to be here and breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated by fear.

thank you for reading

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