Thursday, May 5, 2011

Sex, The Master-Bait That "REELS" Me In

One of first time I experienced anything sexual was when I nine years old. My mom always went clubbing when I was younger with one of her best girlfriends named Susie like every week. She had a baby-sitter named Oscar watch me and Susan's daughter who was seven years of age. We were watching television and Oscar says that it's getting late. I then try and argue with him and tell him that it's the weekend and that we don't have to go to bed early. He then says "well if you do something for me then you don't have to go to bed early and can continue to watch t.v." Now me and Susan's daughter were like sure thinking that it's going to be some normal task. He then instructs for Susan's daughter to lie down on the couch. I really didn't question what was happening. Oscar then tells me to lay down on top of her and I did it. He then tells me to start moving up and down on her and I did. Oscar then tells us both to take our pants off and we did. At this point I already forgot why we were even doing this (which was to watch t.v. longer) because I felt so uncomfortable. But we both continued to listen, and he told us to lay on top of each other again and for me to move up and down again for a while in  our under wears. Oscar then says "okay now I want you both to take your under wears off and do the exact same thing." We did and than he asks me "are you inside?" Now I had no idea what we were doing and I had no idea what he meant at that time but I answered "yes" just because I thought it was going to make him stop us from doing what we were doing but it didn't. He had us continue for a while longer. I was not erected, and I was not "inside" like he wanted me to be but that experience implanted in my brain so vividly. We ended up just going to bed right after that and me and Susan's daughter promised each other that we would never tell anyone what happened that night. I never did until now I guess.
I first started masturbating when I was twelve but never experienced an orgasm until I was thirteen. But when I was twelve I had a next door neighbor who was gay and 21 years old at the time. I didn't know there was such thing as gay people at that age. One day I go over looking for his younger brother to hang out but he wasn't there. I was about to leave but he than tells me to wait because he had something to show me. He was the only one there so he decided to show me a porn video in his room. I was so interested because I didn't know that porn was made. After a minute goes I was started to notice that he was fast forwarding the tape to only scenes where to women were giving the men blowjobs. I stopped being interested almost instantly. I think he knew that I knew what he was doing and then he just dropped the question, "James, do you have sex?" I answered no. He goes and says if I wanted him to give me a blowjob. I said "no man why are you asking me this?" He said because a blowjob feels the same as sex. He then says that he can give me one. I told him no that I'm fine, I don't want that from you. He continues and says well you can have sex with me in my anus. I then left the room and have hated gay people ever since.
I feel like both of these experiences have a lot to do with who I sexual am today. I have sex with my girlfriend at least twice a week, and masturbate like once or twice a week. I watch porn to masturbate every time. Every time I go outside somewhere I literally look for women to check out because I know that there will be, and after doing this I then want to have sex with my girlfriend because I would get aroused at looking at other women previously. I stare at my girlfriends body parts most of the day. I hold my girlfriends breast almost every night before we go to sleep and she hates it but lets me do it anyways. I am pretty much perverted as hell and this needs to stop. I am inconsiderate and none of it is whats best for all, and all it does is support my self interest and my ego. My next blog will be on self forgiveness on my sexual drive which I consider to be abuse. This is all self-interest as an observer, none of it is real, but I am trying to make it real by participating in it daily. I will make the decision to stand for what is best for all by participating in the removal of this abusive sexual behavior that is all based on my observation which is not real and should not "REEL" me in.

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