Sunday, May 1, 2011

What Happens When You Just React!

Well I was eating and my girlfriend wanted to watch a movie, she was loading it and I told her that I wanted to use the computer after she was done. She paused the movie as soon as I was done eating to let it load and ask me, " how long you going to use the computer for?" I told her a while. She then got out her ipad and started playing games on it. About two hours go by of me watching desteni vids and her asking me questions about equal money. I stop what I was doing to answer her every time. Than she tells me that she is going to sleep. So I logged off of facebook and youtube then turn the computer off. I laid down next to her and she complains that I am to cold for her to hold. This kind of ticks me off but not to the point where I say anything, so I guess as a back-chat. But I told myself to calm down and when I warm up, I'm sure she'll let me hold her. She then lifts her head and looks at the computer and see's that I turned it off. Automatically gets pissed and yell's that she wanted to watch that movie and that she was waiting for it to finish downloading. Than tells me to not touch her at all even if I'm not cold. Now this pissed me the hell off but what can I say, nothing because she doesn't want to be held so I start having a I guess you can call a silent fit in where I was kicking the air while laying down every few seconds. After the fourth or fifth kick I did, she then began kicking but violently and hit me a few times on my feet.(non-intensional) I stopped after that and continued to lay down for a while. My mind just wouldn't leave me alone at this point. I couldn't pay attention to breathe long enough to stop the back-chat. I just felt like I was annoying myself even more the longer I laid down listening to my mind so I told myself to blog this experience, write it out, and get it out of you. So this is why I am writing this, so that I am not always controlled by my back-chat that I have allowed for so long to possess me and the choices I make. Now I have written this I feel more clear at the moment. I know me forgiving myself will help me even more within seeing what I have allowed to react in such a childish way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my back-chat control my decisions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react like a child as if that will solve what is going on inside me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abusive behavior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to not see how I can handle such simple situations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like it's the end of the world when things don't go my way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sucked into anger so easily.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take the time to deal with situations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave it up to the mind to handle things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to throw fits instead of dealing with whats here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bothered by my thoughts, feeling, and reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be responsible for childish behaviors.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand for what is going on inside the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of the fact that my actions cause others to act the same way and if not then worse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self pity when I get what I give.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be the directive point in situations that I create.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a structured pattern in my mind to react this way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self interest that cause my reactions and feelings.

Now when I see that things are not going my way I will know that my back-chat will automatically pick up on this and try to direct what happens. I will stop it in its tracks next time and I direct myself instead of my automatic mind machine directing what I am responsible for creating. NOT only next time, but every time I see myself falling back into this pattern will I stand.

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