Sunday, May 15, 2011

Why I Danced

I remember the first time I started listening to music, my mom would go clubbing every weekend or so when I was in first grade. Whenever she was cleaning she would be listening to music I guess as a motivation, but I was always there listening with her. While she was cleaning and listening to music she would dance at the same time. I was interested in knowing how to do dance as well. I asked if she can teach me how to dance and of course she agreed. She taught how to follow beats and listen to them and move on every count of a beat. 

The type of music she listened to was house music. After I learned how to follow beats she then taught me how to pop, which is waving your body and arms. When I went to third grade I felt like I was pretty much perfect at following beats. I had a baby sitter that had older children that knew how to break dance and pop. They showed me more detailed moves in popping and I learned a little break dancing as well. 

When I got into seventh grade I went to dances every weekend. I met a friend that taught me how to crip walk and that was what I did mostly at dances to battle people to show off how much better I was then others. It was really a competitive feeling the whole time but I used it for fun. I remember the disses I would do to others to try and prove how much better I was at dancing. Just feeling like I always had to prove something when in reality I was just dancing and showing off looking for attention. I noticed that I attracted girls as well and I liked the feeling. It just boosted my ego even more as I had noticed that girls were attracted to my dancing. What also boosted my ego from dancing was that I not only attracted girls but friends as well, which is obviously separation but I saw it as normal; people liking people for the things that they did and not who they were as life. I know that It was manipulation just to get others to pay attention to me and like me and be my friend.

Now when I was in tenth grade(high school) my ego was huge as hell because of the amount of friends I had attracted by being a "dancer." All I would do was battle everyone I knew that danced and no matter how good they were I always told myself that I won the battle. All I listened to was techno and rap. That was what I danced to. When I turned 18 that is when I started clubbing, pretty much ending up like my mom, did the same/ shame shit as her. I danced so much and all it did was make me feel good about myself for that short period of time only, and after I was done clubbing it would be back to reality.

I started taking ecstasy for about a year because of dancing, I would dance for hours upon hours at raves, by myself, or with others to fuel this love I had for dancing and music. After a while I hated the fact that I felt like shit from the come down off of ecstasy and eventually stopped. 

I then moved on to smoking weed all the time because it was a less effect on my body and it help me be more creative within dancing. All I listened to was dubstep for the past two years because I had a friend named Robert who showed me dubstep. I felt like popping and dubstep and weed went hand in hand together and couldn't get enough of that life but if one stop existing in the mind for just one second then you can see how obsessed and possessed you can be over your self interest. 

This is why I have deleted all of my dubstep music, I no longer see it as motivation or what I should be focusing on, to me it is not life and it is no longer what I want to exist as. It distracts me from what is here and I no longer want to listen to it to motivate me to dance. I really don't see dancing as productive either. I see it as someone trying to have others notice the one who's dancing to show that they are better or higher in life by showing off senselessly, just for self gratification or to attract others. I no longer want to dance for these reasons, I no longer want to dance period and when I feel the need or urge to dance I will stop myself, of course this will be a process but I will use the desteni tools to apply myself effectively as life as what is best for all.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so interested in music and allowed myself to be so sucked into it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use music as motivation to dance just because I thought I should do it because my mom was doing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think just because I saw my mom dancing to music meant I should be dancing to music as well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be interested by music just because I saw my mom dancing to it when I was younger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask my mom to teach me how to dance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to understand music because I wanted to out of self interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to learn how to pop because I learned how to follow beats.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like that I knew others that danced so that they could teach me more ways of dancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to learn more effective ways of popping so that I can get better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to learn how to break dance as well just so that I could fit in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to learn new dances so that I can fit in and be better then them eventually.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to battle people at dancing to that I am better then them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I need to prove something just because I exist as my ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I need to show off what I can do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be competitive in my dancing every time I battled someone to feel good about myself beating them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I was dancing out of fun when I self honestly was dancing to show off and get attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diss people that I would battle to imply that they suck and that I'm better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use dancing as a way of showing off and using it to grab the attention of girls and friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to boost my ego by attracting women by dancing and friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my dancing to attract girls and friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as separation by attracting others by dancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it was normal to attract friends and girls by using what talents you have so they can think that your special in some way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others by dancing to have them pay attention to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have such a well established ego by tenth grade in by having so many friends that I got to pay attention to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as the best dancer just because my ego was so huge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use techno and rap to dance to which made me feel like it made me better at dancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to clubs and use so much money just to go dance for the time that it lasted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my moms footsteps by being a dancer and going to clubs. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dance just to feel good about myself, which was for a short period of time and so limited.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take ecstasy just because it made dancing seem longer for me to experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body by taking so many pills to feel good about myself and to justify that I should continue dancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel my love for dancing by taking drugs and battling people and attracting people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love music so much when all I did was use it to abuse myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ecstasy to dance when there was a consequence of pain and feel like shit after using it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ecstasy for a year to dance and listen to music.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use weed to make my dancing more creative.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify that weed is less abusive towards my body then ecstasy when they are both abusive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to dubstep; just redefining my previous experiences with music.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like Robert showing me dubstep when I really just wanted to just fuel my ego and self interests more by having new music to listen to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I found the perfect music and drug to mix with my dancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I could not get enough of dubstep, weed, and popping.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsessed and possessed by my dancing addiction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have dancing as my motivation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus my life on dancing and music.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that dancing music and weed was life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have dancing weed and dubstep distract me from what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see dancing weed and dubstep as productive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use dancing as self gratification to attract others to show that I am better then them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dance to attract others, to show off, to seek attention, to make others feel less then me, to compete, to listen to music, to feel good about myself, and to do drugs.

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