Thursday, June 30, 2011

Working out and what ive used it for

The first time I ever worked out was when I was in 5th grade. My mom needed someone I to work out with her and it turned out to be me. All we did were sit ups, and 100 a day. This continued for about a year and I did it because my mom asked me to. 

I continued to work out even though my mom had stopped. I started doing push ups around 7th grade. The reason I started doing push ups is because I noticed that I got attention from girls because of the six pack I had from always doing sit ups. I loved how girls would like to touch my abs as it would only fuel my ego.  I would ask some girls to feel my abs as a way to try to make them think I was sexually attractive.
 So my whole starting point of working out had been from a point of getting attention from women.  I see that all I had did was support my ego by working out to look “attractive”. My ego is the mind and by me supporting it I am separating myself as life. Me using my abs to attract women is manipulation. I can see how me existing as the mind is abusive and is not something to support.

I had been smoking weed for three years straight and had no type of physical fitness. I turned out to become extremely lazy and only got up for food or to check the computer. My physical became really sluggish. I had taken poor care of it and it is now in somewhat of a poor condition. I had abused my physical because of my self interest and physical polarity play out by living as the mind by working out only to gain some satisfaction from women to later on become a lazy person who did not care about any type of physical interaction.

I have now been working out for four days in a row to support my physical human body to not stay in shape or fit to attract others but to do it from a starting point of self honesty that I realize that I have become none supportive in taking responsibility for my human physical body that supports me to be here.  If I am to work out it is to be for me, me supporting me, no other influence or deluded reason that is separate from self. 

I commit myself to 21 days of working out for me to support me.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

shaving my head consistanly

I have been shaving my head on and off for about two or three months so it has not been something that I see as me doing as something consistant. I have always used my hair to be shaped in a way that I see as acceptable so that I can look cool or so have other see it as cool. To me this is me deludeing myself and manipulating others into liking me or accepting me in a way through my apprearence.

When I was in third or second grade was the first I can remember of me actually wanting a hairstyle, and that was to have cornrolls which is your hair braided down to your head. This desire came from seeing others with it which was one of my moms friends. I saw it as cool. so I wanted it. so I would grow my hair out as long as i could so that I  could have this done everytime.

when i got to fourth grade I got lice so I had to shave my head, this sadden me a lot. At the same time my head was shaved I went outside to play with my dog and he barked at me as if I was a stranger and this caused me to run to my room crying for who knows how long. The next day I went to school and found out that I had a huge mole/ birth mark on the back of my head by kids making fun of it, saying" oh looks like you have a water bug on your head" and "oh a bird pooped on your head''. This made me sad as well and ever since i have been self conscious of exposing the back of my head in any way.

I realize that I was just engertically possessed by these feelings and fears to shave my head, and that the only reason I wanted my hair to be styled in any way was seeing that others with a particular style and wanting to immatate or copy it because I saw it as cool or because I was possessed by my mind.

I am committing myself to shaving my head daily to over come this fear of shaving my head, and to get over me wanting attentions from others. I was existing as separation by fearing to consistanly shave my head because I have experience an umcomfortability from shaving my head previously when I was a child. I will forgie myself on these points and I will live as me by shaving my head by facing my fear and over coming it.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Self Forgiveness On My Reading And Words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was a slow reader just because more then the average student read faster then me, this is separation of self and is allowing myself to say that I am less than when this is not the case, I am to read for my understanding and not theirs, my reading is for me and for people to judge me as a poor reader is allowing limitation on self, I am limitless for I am to expand daily but only if I allow myself to do so, if I allow others to judgement to be me then I will certainly not expand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about how others thought of my reading skills when all this did was was influence me to believe that I was a crappy reader and caused me to not improve on my reading skills, the belief I had from others judgement's was not real, it was my mind directing me to be what everyone said I was which was not real either, I am real and if I want to enhance my reading skills then I obviously have to push myself a lot more to read as effectively as others, not worry about how they think of me because I am human too and I have the opportunity to be just a good a reader as anyone else, but if I am listening to judgement's from others and believing those judgement's to be true then I will not expand and I will only fall and fail in becoming effective as a reader or towards anything else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be effected by others judgement's and opinions on how good or bad I can read when I am to make sure that I am understanding what it is that I am reading.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on others thoughts on how I read, those judgement's were not real and only would cause me to not want to push myself to be an effective reader, I am effective and I am the one that directs my reading not my mind, not my judgement's that I got from others, and not my opinions that I got from others and myself, if I seem slow at reading or processing whatever it is that I am reading then I am to read more and more and more to push my self through the points that I am scared to exist as, I am the one that allowed this fear to be me with my acceptance and I am not scared of what other think of me I am here expanding as self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment, this was self created through self doubt and by me believing others opinions about me, I am not to feel embarrassed or accept it as me, I am to direct myself in taking self responsibility to stand as self and move self accordingly by becoming a more effective writer and reader.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself feel embarrassed when I was always last to finish coping notes from the board, me accepting this embarrassment was only what caused me to fear not expanding myself to become the best that I can be at writing effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel separate from the world and everyone else because I believed in others judgement's, this was me lying to myself to keep me from becoming the best me that I could be, thus me causing me to not expand in every opportunity or chance I got, instead I would not want to face this problem of not reading or writing effectively because I was to scared to face myself because of the judgement's I believed in and the doubts I carried in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid and illiterate because of the limitations I believed myself  to exist as because of the judgement's I placed on myself and the judgement's I believed from others about me and my reading and writing skills which were not real; what was real was that I need to work on self and self expand in every moment so that I can become effective, these judgement's I lived as in mind would keep me from seeing this, and these beliefs I had about myself would keep me from expanding and becoming self responsible and from facing self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly exist as my back chat by comparing other speed in reading to my speed in reading, this is not self support at all and is only me not seeing that I am inferior to all the students; me living as my back chat only kept me from knowing that I have to work on myself and that I am to expand and continue to expand without limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask myself questions in my back chat as to why other are faster then me at reading when this was only because of my ego was not on top so it had to submit to the judgement's others placed on me so that I can have the excuse and justification to not expand self; I direct me, not judgement's or opinions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous of others being able to read faster then me so this jealousy that I accepted caused me to read too fast for me to understand or comprehend whatever it was that I would read as I got older; I was so caught up in trying to be like everyone else that I did not consider myself in the equation of becoming equal in reading speed so I separated myself from myself to try to be like others, I am me and I am to read for me to comprehend what I am reading and if I don't comprehend it then I will have no problem trying to figure out what it is that I'm reading because I am to understand to expand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated at myself because of how stupid I felt because of how slow I read, this frustration was only me distracting me from actually being here and seeing that I have to practice to practically become an effective comprehensive reader.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so separate from me as a reader that I could not understand anything that I would read, a consequence for choosing to exist as the mind which I paid for and will not happen again, I am the reader for me and I will understand what I am reading because I will not be stuck in comparison while reading and I will not be trapped in judgement's that are not real and that are not here, I am here and so are the words that I have to read so I will read them with nothing else going on expect breathe; I read as breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed with myself because of how many times I would have to read a page over or a question over to fully understand it, I did that to myself and was a point of separation as a reader for self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect myself from reading by leaving me out of the equation of understanding what I had to read by reading too fast to understand because of the judgement's I held on to in my mind because I desired too much to be like everyone else, pure self abuse and I no longer need this to be me, I am not the mind for it only makes things more complicated then they actually are, the simple part is that reading is me, so I am to read for me, not to read and try to be like others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that me worrying about me looking dumb in front of others because of how slow I read was because of the judgement's and beliefs I had about myself and the judgement's and beliefs that I agreed with that others said about me, my comprehension in reading is only because of me being scared of facing myself as the doubts I accept with in my mind, those doubts are not real but if I believe in them then there is a price I have to pay called consequence in where I will accept and allow myself to continue to exist as a none comprehensive reader.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself from seeing that others are better then me at reading only because I let myself be so distracted by mind as thought feelings and beliefs so that I can't expand because I won't allow myself to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so caught as the mind by pay attention to the judgement's and beliefs I had about my reading skills that I never gave myself the chance to see that I am reading for me and my understanding and that I can expand my reading skills for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the opportunity see that I blocking myself from reading comprehension because I was existing too much as the mind and not seeing that I am to have an understanding of what I read and not just zoom through the words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others because of the ideas I believed in my mind about how slow I read compared to all others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold vague understandings on certain words thus not giving myself a clear path and understanding whenever I read or come across certain words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have a clear definition on certain words causing me to read slowing whenever I come across a certain word when ever I read them; if there is a word that I don't understand then I am to take responsibility for what is here and fix the problem which in this case would be to look in a dictionary, otherwise I will pass a word up not understanding it and having some false information that I am presenting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to others sometimes and act like I would know what I was talking about just to feel accepted, this is separation of self and I am here, I am valid, and I accept myself, and I am to know with absolute certainty what I am talking about and existing as otherwise I am only lying to others and self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be quick to judge like I know everything when in actuality I know nothing when I judge, these quick judgement's I have are out of lack of me understanding and I am to fully understand something in order to have a conclusion in self honesty instead of assuming or judging.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the opportunity to understand what it is that I read because of all of the doubts I never wanted to face, this was me abdicating responsibility from myself as reading, I no longer will accept this for I will read a lot more daily and expand myself as a reader till the end of my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never consider loving my neighbor, instead I've compare myself to my neighbor which was never real only in the mind and existing as separation from what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never actually consider supporting myself effectively towards reading, I know this is because I have chosen to live as the mind this whole time that I would read previously, through believing that I'm dumb, and by believing that I cannot be as good as others at reading, etc. none that was real, the only thing that is real is my expansion in reading by me effectively supporting myself and directing myself through this supportive process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry this whole time about how others thought of my reading, what they think or say should have no impact on my reading, I am the one that controls my reading and I am the one to impact myself in an effective and supportive way towards my reading.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that reading is for me, even if I'm reading out loud it is for me because I am reading, so I am to read and that's it, no thoughts, no judgement's, no beliefs and ideas, no agreeing with others with in their judgement's, only me here reading.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that reading is not about how fast or slow or any form of comparison, this implies separation and only keeps one from expanding in expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a mess of myself and not even see any of what I existed as as a mess and as abuse towards self and as self neglect, all of this could have been prevent if I had not chosen to exist as the mind to distract me from what really matters which is the physical reality, and with my participation with the mind only causes one to abdicate self from self responsibility.

Self Forgiveness On My Migraines

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unconscious of my breathing, it is separation from who I am as the physical here, so me not paying attention to every breath is me not being here as the physical one and equal to life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as only thoughts feelings and emotions, which is me not giving myself to opportunity to be one and equal to who I am as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect who I am as the physical by choosing to participate one and equal to the mind which is me considering nothing but myself when there is a whole world around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist only as the mind, I am here, I am the physical, so I am to be here as breathe and not the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk to myself in the mind about how shitty my life is blaming others when I am to take self responsibility for what is here as me as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk and pray to god every time I thought my life was getting shittier abdicating self responsibility, I am the one that creates the thoughts feelings and emotions towards how shitty I think life is and if it is shitty then I am the one that must change it, not god, god can't because there is no god and even if there was then I would be considering myself to be his slave by blaming god for my life that I think is shitty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge everything that I did not agree with because of the self interests I've made, none of the judgement's I made were real and neither was my self interests, what is real is the physical and what I am to do is to take self responsibility for what I judge by forgiving myself for the judgement's I place on others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others out of lack of understanding, this is because I have chosen to exist as the limited mind and I was not able to see things for what they really are/were.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define people according to my feelings towards them, this was not real, this was assumptions based on an energetic experience that would take place in the mind, none of those feelings were here for all to see and they were only lies I told myself out of lack of understanding what it was that I was experiencing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have opinions towards other in my secret mind based on self interest which I allowed to direct me, I am the directive principle here and I am not my opinions for they are not real unless I participate in believing them to be real and even still they are not real because they are not here as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my opinions about others are real, my physical body is real and that is the only thing I should be supporting and considering because my physical is life, my opinions about life are not what needs support or consideration because these opinions I have about life are only considering and supporting my abusive mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only exist in my mind never considering what is actually here, the physical is here and I am here as the physical and I am to only exist as my physical as breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as my back chat only causing many migraines for me to experience, when I am here as the physical the migraines are not here because I am here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause myself to see myself as a victim of back chat which later on caused me to see myself as a victim to my many migraines that I created, I am not a victim, I am to here as breathe to take responsibility for my back chatting mind by stopping it and directing myself here in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss school because of my many migraines that I created.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the fact that I had migraines so constantly because I chose to exist as my back chat, I am not my thoughts, I am the physical human body that I possess and I am to exist only as what I am not as what I am not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become in a paralyzed state because of the consequences of me living as my mind as back chat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate when I didn't eat because I knew it would cause a headache later on, this was me fearing pain which was not real, what is real is the experience of pain and the fact that there is not always going to be food so instead of being in self pity and causing more back chat I should have seen this as unacceptable and investigate why things were the way they were and then find a solution to the problem then when I become older I can do something about the problem, which was people not having enough money to eat normally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only exist as breathe when I was in pain and not to exist as breathe at all times, I should have seen that if breathe can get rid of my migraines then they can get rid of the constant chatter I accepted myself to exist as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade breathe for smoking weed to release myself from my migraines, this went from a practical way of relieving the pain I caused to a complicated form of suppression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and get rid of my migraines completely by daily weed smoking which only suppressed my migraines for three years; I wanted to escape from the reality that I created thus separating myself from myself for three years.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget how bad my migraines were because I had suppressed them for so long with weed, if I have a migraine I am to see what self honestly caused it which would be me and I am to take care of it immediately.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my unbearable migraines as a way to get my medical license so that I can purchase better quality weed from medical shops, this was using the abuse that I created for myself to get what I wanted and desired which was weed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a medical license for two years, supporting the idea that it's okay for me to smoke weed whenever I wanted which was all day long.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to smoke weed behind my girlfriends back still on a daily basis, lying to her and myself, not standing up for self as self responsibility and only wanting to hide in my mind with weed, this is selfish and is an abusive part of who I've allowed myself to become, till here no further.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie and delude myself into thinking that the whole time that I smoked weed that my migraines were cured, I will no longer delude myself as long as I live in actual reality and not to participate as my mind which causes the delusion through my acceptance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my migraines by smoking weed for three years, I deal with my migraines, not weed because that is separation and I am here so I am not to separate myself from here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the consequence of smoking weed for three years to try and escape my migraines by having them come back even worse then the times I had them before.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my back chat for three years to direct me to smoke weed everyday so that when I stopped I would only experience worse migraines then before, I cause and created all of this for myself due to all the back chat I had before I started smoking weed about my migraines which was me trying to find the ultimate solution which turned out to be only a temporary suppression that had a consequential outflow that caused only more pain and suffering towards my physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to learn from my mistakes when I should be knowing all possibilities and consequences from the actions I take and the choices I choose.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pinned down and trapped by my years of self abuse and self neglect, this was me choosing mind over matter and that is not how reality works.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause my migraines to become so intense that breathe would hardly do anything for them, this was because of how long I chose to exist as separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to eat because of how sharp the pain was for me from my migraines, they were too much for me to do anything and it was because I abdicated self responsibility and chose to exist as separation as the mind, I am not separation of the mind, I am the physical as breathe and that is what I will continue to exist as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take medicine to try to get rid of my headaches, this was even more separation by using a different drug for a different separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have these intense migraines because of the years of suppression I chose to exist as not considering the consequence, I am here and I will consider all consequences that are here when ever I experience a choice or decision I have to make.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself to experience daily migraines because of me choosing to exist as self interest, my self interest is not real but the pain and consequence that I go through and that my physical goes through is real and was not considered during the whole three years I smoked weed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself as by suppressing myself and my problems by smoking weed for three years, I am here in every moment to face myself in self honesty to stop my patterns of abuse towards life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to breathe and not giving myself a chance to live with a clear head by staying in my mind and constantly existing as thoughts opinions ideas belief ect., I am here in this reality as breathe in every moment so this is what I am to exist as since breathe is what I do the most while here so I am my breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to my mind, I've allowed myself to be imprisoned to my self interest and ego thus not allowing self to be free as breathe as here in the physical reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a long path of separation that I have to delete and recreated all because I chose to live as my mind that does not consider anything but itself, my new path will be the path to oneness and equality to bring about a change in not only me but the entire world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a mess of myself to where I can't even see the common sense in that we are here as breathe and not the mind, we are one and equal to the physical unless we abdicate ourselves from the physical as the mind.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Words and Reading

Ever since I could remember I had always been what people would a poor reader, in class when I had to read out loud it would be considered slow to everyone including the teachers. I knew how to read perfectly it was just the processing of it was really slow. I remember being embarrassed because of this many times in class because of things we had to copy off from the board and I would always be the last one to finish. I had always felt a form of separation because of this from the world and everyone else. I would think of myself as stupid and illiterate. I would always be in my mind like why the hell is everyone so much faster then me at reading and comprehending. 

This feeling was through my whole younger phase of life and so I got to a point of frustration where I did not want to exist this way so I would read as fast as I could to myself and just read so fast that I was not comprehending any of what I had read. I then got use to reading this way for a long time and when I got older I started reading faster but never could register what it was that I would read and I would have to read over what I read again at least three or four times to understand what it was that I read. I found this really annoying but never realized that it was me that created all this neglect towards myself. I never saw that my comprehension towards reading was horrible because of my feeling towards how others thought of me and my fears of being stupid or looking dumb. 

I separated myself to a great degree through my mind and never really considered that some are just more faster then I am at reading, and that thats just the way things are. I never considered that I am the reader for myself, and that as long as I can understand what it is that I'm reading then the comparison of me towards how fast others can read doesn't really exists in the context of it is for my understanding.

I also have realized that all of this is due to values I have on all the words I read and words themselves. Me existing in the mind this whole time has compiled and confused the words that I read. Me always staying in my mind and never really comprehending a clear definition of what all words really mean, I would always have a vague understanding of almost everything I would talk about to others and a vague understanding of what I would read. I see how this leads me to judge so easily as well but perhaps that is another topic to discuss later. 

Now the crazy thing is that I have been blogging and reading lots of random blogs daily for around almost two months not really sure but I have noticed that I fly through words at a crazy pace and I have a full understanding of what I had read. I know this is because of the videos I've have watched from Sunette and other Destonians. I know this has greatly to do with the forgiveness I have been applying as well because of how clear I am experiencing myself to become. I see this as crazy because it I have never experienced anything like this in my life. The support is amazing from Destonians and only shows that they truly love their neighbors. 

My reading skills and comprehension is a lot faster and effective because I have chosen to actually support myself effectively. This whole time I have been worrying about what others thought of me when it is about me understanding all of what I have read and not how fast or how slow I am at doing it, it is about the effectiveness it has and not seeing it as a form of comparison which is separation of self. 

Oh and I also wanted to point out how I am more effective in writing as it takes less time for me to type out what it is that I am expressing which is cool as well.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Breathe And My Migraines

My whole entire life I have been breathing but hardly ever exist as breathe. I would always be stuck in my mind, talking to myself about others, about how shitty my life was, talking and praying to god, judging everything that didn't make sense to me, having feeling towards other people and defining people according to these feelings, having opinions about things based on self interests, always in my mind always thinking and never shutting up. I can see how I always had migraines because of this constant chatter I had in my mind.

Ever since I was little I would get the worse migraines ever, at least once a month and they were paralyzing to the point where I would miss school because of these migraines. They would intensify whenever I would look at lights or hear something loud. I would wake up with them, and when I had them as a child I would just lay down in bed for hours crying. I never really got taken to the doctors because of this and my mom always offered headache medicine but they never worked so I stopped taking them as I saw them as a waste of time. I remember that I would get them either randomly or if I didn't eat and there were a lot of times where I couldn't eat because of lack of money my mom had. I can't really recall where I got this information but I got told when I was around thirteen headaches and migraines are due to lack of oxygen to the brain, so I figured the next time I get a migraine that I will lay down and breath it away. Surprisingly it worked and every time I got a migraine I would breathe it away but it took five to ten minutes every time. I continued to breath every time I got a migraine when ever I remembered about this remedy up until I was nineteen. Also what made them go away would be if I ate something, sometimes almost instantly so I'm sure lack of food was the problem.

I was nineteen when I started smoking weed daily and I noticed after a month I had absolutely no headaches at all. I knew this was because of the weed I smoked so I continued to smoke weed suppressing the migraines I had lived with my whole life and that I wanted to badly to get rid of. The whole three years I smoked weed I had gotten no migraines and totally forgotten how bad they were. I had gotten my medical license when I was twenty to get weed from medical shops and the reason I was able to was because I told the doctor that evaluated me that I would get unbearable migraines. I than had a medical license for two years that expired this year in February. This was when I stopped smoking weed as much because my girlfriend threatened me that we would not get married if I still smoke weed. I continued to smoke after that for about two months or so behind her back and finally quit like a month or two ago.

I thought that whole time that I smoked weed that my headaches were cured because of weed but all it did was suppress my migraines even further. When I quit smoking weed daily my migraines had returned, but this time with more of an intense sharp pain. The migraines had really immobilized me from doing anything even eating. They came daily so I started using my breathe to try and rid of them but they were just to hard to get rid of even with food and breathe so I started taking extra strenght pills to help me get rid of these horrible migraines. I figured that the reason that they were so intense was because of the years of suppression. This lasted for about a month of daily migraines and I only got them when I didn't eat which is not a lot.

Now I hardly have migraines, and now when I get them I know breathe will make them go away. That month of everyday intense migraines was my consequence for smoking weed everyday for three years to try to run away from my problems and not face them. Me writing myself to freedom is clearing my head up a lot, and I feel the difference in the thoughts that I don't have anymore, the way I participate with breathe more now then always in the mind with the rambling thoughts that aren't here; it's almost like a sense of freedom, I know I have a long way to go with in writing myself out but I feel and see the difference thus far so I will push through these points and everything that needs to be cleared in the name of equality breathe by breathe and step by step.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Self forgiveness on my aggression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself take life as a joke, I am to take responsibility for what I am experiencing, life is not a joke.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to joke about almost everything that is here, I am here, jokes are an illusion of what is actually here and when I joke about what is actually here I separate myself from what is here so I don't allow myself to see what is here when I joke about what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make illusions of what is actually here, the physical is here and it is not a joke, it is being abused and joking around about it only causes the abuse to continue.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be aggressive with the mean and judgmental jokes I say towards the physical, the physical is not a joke, it is here and I am here too, so I am only joking, judging, and being aggressive towards self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the mind and make jokes about the physical, I am here as the physical, not the mind so the jokes I say are not real because they are not here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to joke around while being a child to escape reality momentarily, no matter what jokes I say I am still here at all times, the jokes I say are not here at all times, they are here for only a moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to leave reality by joking all the time towards almost everything, I did nothing to support self except run away from what I need to deal with, I am responsible and I am to take that responsibility at all times, not joke at all times.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to joke around a lot because of self pity, I am the only one that can support myself when things get tough, and joking around about a situation or experience is not an effective way of support, breath and self honesty is effective support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to joke around because of boredom, if I am bored then I am to live as that and not separate myself from who I am at every moment whether I am bore or having fun.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the mind to entertain me as I am bore when me feeling bored is only my minds perception of reality which I believe in so then I manipulate myself to joke about things just because of my participation of the mind.
I myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as aggressive comments as jokes, which is a mind possession that I allow to react through my participation of the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a class clown growing up, this was separation from what I was to actually be doing which was school work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pay half attention to school and the other half by talking with friends, which resulted into me not giving a fuck about school later on when I got to high school, paying attention to only half of what my teacher would say in class was not taking full responsibility for myself so it was taking no responsibility at all for self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie and manipulate myself through my participation in the mind by thinking that it was okay to joke around in class and try to do my class work at the same time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by my jokes by the time I got into high school, I accepted and allowed myself to become a demon that did not do any school work at all, I see what I became now and know now that I am to not fall in the same pattern of self neglect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look forward to only lunch time and after school just so that I can joke around with friends, thus abdicating self responsibility towards school.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek attention from the jokes I made in high school, I am the only one that needs to pay attention to me as breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my jokes with friends become joke about them, this shows how inconsistent the mind that I participated in was because of how it changed from just joking around about random shit to joking about the friends I hung out with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have joke battles with my friends, accepting and allowing the limited mind to compete with friends about their facial structure when they had everything that I have on my face just in a different shape and form but they preform the same exact things.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become an abusive friend by thinking and preparing jokes for them and about them everyday making it my life at the time which was a waste of time and my life and theirs, but this is because of my participation of the mind, thus existing as the mind is a complete waste of time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself and others by saying racial jokes, we are all one and equal with in reality so the jokes I said were not real at all so I should not have participated as them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to joke a around with my friends daily at school just because they did not get offended, this would imply for me to make offensive jokes with other people I associate with that may offend them, thus me causing harm to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other people by making jokes about them with friends, just because others see talking shit about others is acceptable does not mean that I have to join in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think talking shit about people that walk by me is funny, by doing this I am saying that abusing others verbally and mentally is allowed and it is not, it is judging and ego, and me accepting my mind to in control of what is here, I am in control of what is here and that is the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by my back chat, I am here as the physical, not the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be abusive towards others through talking shit about people that I see that don't fit my self interest, separating myself from the physical even further, I am only talking shit about myself when I talk shit about others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go places with friends just to talk shit about others, this was intensional abuse towards others and this is not acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unequal to the physical by existing as the mind as thinking about what people should like what they should wear and what should be, they are the physical as well and they are equal to me no matter what the wear or look like or are, because what they really are is the physical and they are no different then I.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support my abusive mind, I am to support my physical at all times as breathe because if I am existing as breath then I would nit be abusing myself by continuing to see talk judging others is acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place mind over matter, I am matter not my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the mind as patterns of abuse towards others by judging them, the patterns I live out now should only be what is best for all and breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this systematic program I created on my girlfriend, this is due to my participation with the mind as well and will only lead to more abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing and allowing myself pretend to smack my girlfriend, it may seem innocent but it will only continue to grow and can possibly escalate to something worse.
I forgive myself for a accepting and allowing to through socks at my girlfriend as if it was some innocent joke that has no consequences, the consequence would be seeing this type of behavior acceptable to all which it is not acceptable at all towards any and everyone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use aggression towards my jokes, if I joke it should be along the lines as self support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Not see that existing as the mind only stops me from existing as breathe, that when i become breathe I do not think about abuse and because I am supporting the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see this whole entire time that i existed as all of this as the mind,I am the physical.

Monday, June 6, 2011

My Aggressive Behaviors That Seem Innocent.

I am always one to say a joke, whether its mean, funny, or judgmental. It comes from when I was a child, I use to make jokes about any and everything to all make myself laugh, I really didn't care if it made others laugh at all, it was mainly for me out of boredom and having a shitty life, these jokes were like a momentary escape from reality. I started doing it all the time towards almost anything.

I had not noticed this though until Matti had asked me where my aggression came from when I made a comment on FB to an anti-hate video towards Tom Darc. This question made me realize what and where this aggression came from. 

In class I was a class clown but with straight A's while I was younger, which implied to me that I could joke around in class and still get good grades which did not work later on in high school as my grades dropped because I got more into the jokes then the work I had to do for the class. I remember at lunch times in high school and after school that all I would do was make jokes the whole time with my brother and friends. These jokes turned into jokes about each other and shortly after that we started having joke battles. These jokes would be extremely mean towards each other. I would think of the most fucked up things about "my friends" to say about them just so that I can win or just so that I can feel like I won which was not real at all. They would be racists jokes, to physical feature jokes, to family member jokes which is complete separation from others even as jokes. No one took the jokes personally so the jokes were accepted by all my friends but that does not mean that the jokes were actually acceptable which was ironic.

Later on after high school I then go and have these two friends that just talked shit about everyone they passed by. I would join along because I saw it as funny, but it was really just abusive and being possessed by back chat. We would go to the mall and not even buy a thing but just walk around talking shit about people who didn't fit our invisible standards of how we think people should be, look like, or wear clothes. I didn't know those people, I didn't know why they are wearing what they wore, I didn't know why they looked the way they did, but none of that really matters as matter, it only matters as the mind which was complete separation from matter. I was existing as mind over matter, I cannot change what I did in the past but I can correct my ways of living here and now by stopping this insane pattern of abusive thoughts towards others.

I always thought of myself as a funny person but it was all just abusive the way I saw thing as funny, it was all just separation and I never really gave a chance for me to see this because of the amount of separation I caused myself to exist as by constantly existing in the mind and not paying attention to whats actually here which was the physical.

Now I only hang out with my girlfriend and the jokes are a bit different, I will pretend to smack her as she does this back to me, I will through my pair of socks at her and say haha I "socked" you. If I continue to exist this abusive and aggressive way then I will have a consequence that I will not be able to take back; I can see where this joking is going and I need to put a stop to it. I need to forgive my past and stop resenting it as if it is still here; it is only here because I choose to exist as the mind but it is not actually physically here. It is not here anymore, I am, and I will stop my mind from possessing me through my acceptance. I am to stop what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and change myself through forgiving myself to free myself from these possessions and live these corrections as me. My aggressive jokes are not whats best for all, they are not innocent, and they do not stand for all life here. Thank you Matti for revealing this to me and I thank myself for seeing these points and now stopping this aggressive behavior I choose to exist as; of course stopping this behavior will be a process but I will notice these aggressive reactions as they come up and when I do I will forgive myself and stop it every time I allow my joking behaviors and reactions to possess me or whenever they automatically come up. Breath is key and I will breath my way through the points and stand as self responsible for what I have accepted and allowed.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Directive statements on alcohol

Alcohol is not acceptable and allowed; just because I see see others using alcohol does not mean I am to join, I am not to be influenced by anything separate from self including other, alcohol, or the. Mind

Just because alcohol is socially accepted does not mean I am to see alcohol as acceptable, alcohol should be banned socially and since it is not yet then I will ban it for myself, so I am ban alcohol.

I am not to be effected by alcohol in anyway, I am to be here as breath at all times so that whenever a point comes up relating to alcohol I will not stand for it or participate in the mind to convince myself that alcohol is allowed, it is clearly not and is abusive towards my physical.

I will not have participate with thoughts or opinions towards alcohol towards others because this would mean I am participating in the mind and This is no longer acceptable.

I will no longer involve myself with alcohol for I see it as abusive, I will no longer be around those that drink alcohol for they are responsible for their own actions as I am responsible for mine and mine will be from now on to not be with those that choose alcohol over life.

I will not take responsibility over others, that is not my responsibility, I am to take care of self and not others if they decide to abuse themselves with alcohol.

I will no longer be self irresponsible and drink alcohol and not know where I left my belongings because of me choosing to exist as the mind, I am here as breath and  if I loose something then I will be sober and know that that is the consequence of me choosing to exist as the mind.

I will not drink alcohol again, I have experienced it and know the consequences of alcohol, it is no excuse for me experimenting with it but from now on I will direct myself as breath and self forgiveness and self honesty to know that alcohol is not supportive towards me in any way, that the only thing that is supporting me is me.

I will not drink alcohol for the excuse that I have a high tolerance for alcohol, this is only me deceiving me by participating in the mind to try and drink again, and only causes me to drink more and more.

I will not drink again just because I noticed before in the past that I don't wake up with hangovers, this is more self deception and leads only to abuse in the future.

I will not drink when I see others doing it, this is me acting on separation and I will not allow outside forces to direct me, I direct me, I am the directive principle with in my process.

Alcohol does not bring more of my personality out, it causes my back chat to be in control of who I am, alcohol directs me when I consume it so I will no longer see it as acceptable because I am the one that directs me as breath, and self honesty.

I will no longer wake up hot or with a hangover because I will no longer drink alcohol because alcohol is no longer acceptable.

I will no longer waste my time on alcohol because it is abusive and does not support me as the physical, it only supports the mind as separation and abuse.

I will no longer suppress myself by drinking alcohol, I will take self responsibility for my life, I no longer need alcohol to keep what I need to responsibility suppressed, life is hard be it is who you are in those hard life and I am to decal with whatever comes up within my self honestly

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Self Forgiveness On My Abusive Water Consumption And Usage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take hour showers, it is for my self interest and is not what is best for all, I ignore the fact that others can't enjoy a hour long hot bath as I can and it is just a waste when I take a shower to wash myself, not relax for an hour.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see taking hour showers as acceptable, they are obviously not an abusive form consumption.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit in the shower, when I am to stand and wash myself and get out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that me taking hour showers are abusive because I'd rather live as self interest and feel relaxed and not consider the abuse I would cause by using so much water.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek wasting water as a way of relaxation when I am breathe and that is where my relaxation lies at at all times.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shower for at least an hour every time just because I felt like I needed to relax to try and get rid of the problems that I did not want to face thus suppressing self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care that my mother wanted me to take shorter showers because I'd rather feel relaxed as self interest to not face self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have people get mad at me because of my water abuse just because I didn't care and only cared for my ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I can save water by taking a bath because of how I loved how the water felt as it sprayed on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as my back chat the whole time every time I took my hour showers which only was me telling me that my mind is acceptable when it was obvious that it was abusive by the water I would waste.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit in the shower forever to just go in circles in my mind, not taking any type of responsibility, just me support my abusive mind to be in control of me instead of me being in control of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support my mind as I sat in the shower, this was me abusing me and the water which was me as well wasting it and myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take showers only when my aunt was not home so that I can stay in the shower as long as I wanted with out her saying anything about it, this is just dishonest and not acceptable in anyway but the mind which I chose to exist as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish towards water just because I chose to live one and equal to my mind which was me choosing to live one and equal to abuse, and choosing to exist this way causes me to not see the abuse that I exist as because I see the abuse as acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cause money to be used because of the water and gas I used up which is fucked up and not a way of living which is as the mind which I chose to exist as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider others by having water go down the drain serving no real purpose when water has a purpose and its purpose is to nourish human physical bodies which I stopped its purpose and meaning by existing as the mind which has no real purpose.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this pattern of taking long showers to feel relaxed when I don't feel relaxed which is how the mind operate's which is polarity what I chose to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to taking long showers just because I felt like shit, if I feel like shit then I am to deal with it with breathe and investigate what is causing it through self honesty and release it through self forgiveness so that I no longer exist as the mind and do what the mind tells me to do which is to abuse myself and others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by my demonic mind and use tons of water at someone else's expense just because I don't want to take self responsibility for whats going on within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider that there are others in this world that do not have an easy access to water as I do and did, thus showing my selfishness even more that I chosen to exist as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of taking limitless showers when people are limited on drinking water, the mind only goes further and further into how much it abuses which means that I only went further and further in accepting and allowing the abuse I chose to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get pissed off whenever I did not have water, when there are people in this world that die of impure water.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to replace drinking water with my addiction towards soda, only suppressing what I need to take responsibility for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an energetic desire to quit soda just because I saw Destonians quiting sugar, this is separation of self, self not being here as the direct principle and causing me to only suppress my soda addiction with water.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good about not drinking soda as much as I abusively use to before in the past when this feeling good is separation of self by existing in the mind to not see what I have accepted and allowed and not facing self as self self honestly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink water abusively which is a manifestation of my suppression of drinking soda.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink extensive amounts of water daily out of my suppression of not taking self responsibility for my soda consumption.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of my position as someone that can use as much water as I please just because I am dishonest with myself and do not want to take self responsibility for what I am experiencing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have my girlfriend to be get mad at me for taking long showers, I am causing a cycle of endless repetitive actions that will keep me trapped unless I take self responsibility for what I accept and allow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use taking long showers as a way of escape from the world momentarily in the actual physical it is a trapped pattern that I was stuck in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be neglectful by choosing to exist as the mind by my abusive water consumption and usage.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind control me which caused me to cause this mess that I've created through my participation as the mind.

Friday, June 3, 2011

My Abuse Towards Water

Ever since I was little I always loved to take long showers. I would take at least an hour shower every time I went into the shower. I never really saw it as bad because it was so relaxing, with the hot water sitting down naked, it was just so soothing. I see though that I always did it to feel good about myself because I always felt like shit, like I always had a horrible day. My mom would get mad of course but I really didn't care because I was relaxed. Every time I shower I sit the whole time, I could take a bath but never did just because I loved how the shower water would just spray on me the whole time.

I never noticed how much I exist in my mind but every time I showered I'd and talk in my mind as back chat. I would just sit there forever thinking about BS never getting anywhere but staying in my mind. The shower was a great place for me to listen to me as my mind and I did this daily or whenever I showered.

I remember when I had to live at other places like my aunts house or something I would only shower when she was not home so that I can stay in the shower as long as I wanted which was really selfish thing of me to do. I never consider the money she had to pay for the gas and water I used up. I also never considered the many people that could be drinking that water that I wasted just to enjoy my relaxation. It was very demonic when I actually look at it as there are people that hardly get water at all in this world. There are also people that have to walk miles to get only a limited supply of water thats not even pure clean water, and here I am getting mad when I forget to bring a water bottle with me when ever I go out somewhere.

I use to drink soda all day like it was water, it was like an addiction, but since I have been more involved with desteni I saw it as abuse towards my physical and wanted to stop it completely which I have yet to do but I only drink it like twice a month now which is a dramatic improvement to me, but what I have replaced it for is water. I drink so much water now everyday I see it as abusive. I know we need water and that I what we are but I literally drink it all day, it seems like a replacement of soda.

I still take long ass showers and I no longer want to do so because of how much I try and take advantage of my position. Now it my girlfriend that gets mad at me for my abusive consumption and waste of water. I need to stop using the shower as a place of escape when there are people in this world that can't even escape the their struggle FOR water.

I will no longer take long ass showers and drink so much water because it is neglectful and abusive.I will stop the demonic abuse that I see as acceptable which it is is certainly not. I will put an end to this abuse that is unnecessary and I am not to allow this any further. I will no longer sit in a shower but do what I am to do with my physical which is wash myself and get out.

I will no longer see water something that I can just use freely and waste just because I don't see others that suffer from no water.

Self-Forgiveness On My Alcohol Abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see alcohol as acceptable just because I had seen adults doing it when I was younger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consume alcohol daily, only drinking away my problems and memories when I am to take responsibility for what I accept and allow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that alcohol was the adult thing to do as a child just because I saw relatives drinking alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder why adults drank alcohol and never asked, to later try it out myself as to experiment with alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol just because I saw it as the adult thing to do and because I wanted to experiment with friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol and not know the consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that people look dumb while they drink only to later on become one of those people I judged.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into drinking when I told myself that I would never drink just because of an opinion I had about people drinking which was not real(the opinion) that is why I gave in.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate what alcohol stood as and to just try it with not knowing its effects out of curiousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone with a high tolerance with alcohol when I was only comparing myself towards others and how fast they were effected by alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that just because I did not get drunk fast or effected by alcohol as easily as others did that I drink more only harming and abusing my human physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that just because I never woke up with a hang over when I was younger no matter how much I drank that I could continue to drink daily when I never considered the accumulation effect that I have recently experience with in drinking alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that just because alcohol is socially accepted that I can drink too, when I should not be drinking as it harms my physical and society should not be drinking because alcohol only abuses all, alcohol does not support anyone with in whats best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have to drink every time I go to a party.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink every time I went to a party; I was not being here as self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use money to support abuse towards my human physical body by consuming alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol at the age of seventeen, thus abdicating myself at an early age of self enjoyment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that alcohol made me more of a social person when all it did was make my back chat project into reality convincing me that back chat is acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol for the fun I experienced which was only from a self interest point of view.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a automatic robot of back chat when ever I drank thus taking me away from whats really here for me at all times which is breathe as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be fully aware of who and what I existed as while being under the influence of alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like shit all of those mornings after drinking alcohol just for my self interest and ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hot as I woke up every morning because of my selfishness to have fun and party which always involved alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to drink alcohol even though I experienced consequences like hang overs or stuffy noses, I was too into my mind to even care about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have headaches because of the amount of alcohol I consumed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think just because I drank a little that it was okay, which was me still existing as my mind and as back chat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink alcohol only because of how I feel like my life was hard, when I am only solving a problem with a problem and not becoming the solution.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make life hard on myself by drinking alcohol to rid myself of the memories, feelings, and emotions that I do not want to face.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol to shut down my memory system momentarily just to forget about a hard day or not to face things that I need to face, and just suppressing myself even more, when I am to take responsibility for what it is I exist as and face self here as breath self honesty and self forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to poison myself with alcohol doing who's know what kinds of damage, I will no longer participate in this poison that causes me to not face myself here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself physically with alcohol just to not face myself and take responsibility for what is here and what I choose to exist as.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Alcohol

Before I ever drank alcohol my mentality on it was that alcohol was accepted by all adults, I thought it was the adult thing to do. I wondered why grown up drank it, I never really knew the effects of alcohol. 

The first time I ever saw anyone drunk was a friend that I had to take home, she was so dumb I thought. She took forever to explain where she lived and When we finally got to her house I had to leave her outside and talked to her parents and told them hay she was drunk, I left after that and realized that she left her phone in my car. I told myself that I would never drink and a few weeks down the road I started drinking.

I never really got drunk because I seemed to have somewhat of a high tolerance which also caused me to drink abusively. Every time I drank in the past I never woke up with a hang over. What influenced me to drink was the people I hung out with, every night they found a party and I would go and drink with them. I was seventeen when I first started and I thought of it as fun. I always believed that more of my personality came out but really everything that came out was more automatic then anything.

After a while I then began to wake up with headaches and feeling like shit but only every once and a while. I look back at it now and it was all just a waste of time. Now when I drink I make sure it only a little because I'll feel really hot the next day, I have a stuffy nose and just hate how feel. The last time I drank was a few days ago and asked myself why? I know really it's because I feel like my life is hard but by drinking I am only making it harder on myself, there is nothing I benefit from alcohol except a night of fun that I hardly remember sometimes. 

I have learned that alcohol literally shuts down ones memory system. I was thinking the other day well how am i going to forgive myself for things if i am washing away my problems with alcohol, I can't so from now I on I will no longer see alcohol as acceptable or allowed. I will stop this pointless poison that stops me from taking responsibility for what I've accepted and allowed, which was abuse on all levels, physical and mental

self forgiveness on hitting my siblings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see hitting someone is how you get the message across, when I am the one that accepted hitting as a form of teaching.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that hitting is how one learns, when this was only fed to me as a child from abusive parenting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts feelings and emotions towards me being hit as a child, I have created self from listening to my mind as to what it is I am to exist as and I am responsible for what I do after having the experience of abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mom for hitting me as a child, this anger came from the mind from me not liking me getting hit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of revengeful thoughts towards my mom whenever she hit me, these thoughts came from the mind through my acceptance and allowance and caused me to accept and allow anger towards my mom build up and be suppressed within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to suppress thoughts feeling and emotions within and as my being as water by seeing hitting as acceptable just because I got hit so many times that it in a way convinced me that hitting is acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hatred towards my babysitters for hitting me, as I was just existing as the mind and not really seeing what was going on which was that they have been hit before to be taught.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have hateful emotions towards my mothers friends for hitting me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that when my mom left a red mark on my back was stupid when she was obviously trying to make sure that what happens in the house stays in the house and that not to let anyone know about it because of fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my mom out of fear of being hit which taught me that hitting is how you direct someone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hitting was a way of getting a message across, which stemmed from my fear of being hit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that hitting is how one gets the message across, because it causes fear in others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate that my mother had other kids which took away some of the attention I would get from her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow in the footsteps of my mother by hitting my younger siblings, just because I realized that I can cause fear in them by hitting them as well so that they listened to me like I listened to my mom.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hit my brothers and sister just because I have been hit before.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i was in control for hitting my siblings when this was only because the fear the had within themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel regret after hitting my brothers and sister when I conditioned myself to see that hitting was a form of control over others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hit my siblings for not listening to me to make them listen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and prove my position on top of my siblings when we were equal and still are.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force my siblings to understand me through fear, just because I believed that was how you control someone, which was through fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel respected every time I hit my siblings to listen to me which was only made because of the separation that existed as which was getting forced respect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by my fear by becoming a child abuser towards my siblings just because I was the oldest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my younger siblings just because I was abused as well growing up and saw that abuse is how one comes to an agreement or understanding.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support my family of fear, by hitting my siblings to instill fear into them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have these memories of fear become one and equal to who I am, I no longer am letting these thoughts feelings and emotions be with and as my being, they are of the past and belong there, I am here now and will continue this abuse no further till I die.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as my mind and feel inferior towards my mother which made me have the need or feeling to become superior in some way and that was to do what she did to me to my siblings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to be superior just because I have felt inferior in the past due to my mothers and other adult abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my siblings into fear to listen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become who I was which was the mind as an abusive system of control and fear and dominance over others, I now see that existing this way was in no way what is best for all and I will no longer be abusive towards others or hit someone to control them through their fears.

What will be interesting is that I will be seeing my mom and her children within two to three weeks and I haven't seen them for about three years. I want to see how I will react to when a situation comes up that I don't agree with, I know I will not hit them but I want to experience the corrective way of teaching them what is acceptable and what is abusive. I will blog during this experience to keep ya'll updated and myself as well.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

My Anger Towards Siblings

Ever since I could remember I got hit by my mom some of her friends and babysitters. One of my first memories of getting hit was when I was in first grade, my mom smacked me on the back so hard for who knows what and left a huge red hand print on my back. She told me to tell the teachers if they saw it that I got in a fight with my five year old brother. I thought this was stupid because my brothers hand was not that big but no one asked about it anyways. I would get hit everyday so hitting was like a form of learning for me, like I don't get to understand something until I'm hit. So from my understanding it was to hit someone to get the message across. 

I always hated it when my mom had extra kids because she would give me less and less attention because of the more children she would have. I realized that I was the oldest of them though and took advantage so to speak of my position. I would then hit my siblings as my mother hit me. Every time the didn't clean when they were suppose to, when ever they didn't listen to what I was directing them to do, what ever it was that they had done without permission, anything thing that had to deal with me being on top I would hit them to force them to understand me. By the time I was in fifth grade I was fighting all the time the second oldest sibling of mine and would hurt him and make him cry. Every I had hit them I felt like I was in control, that they are to listen to all of what I have to say through the fear of me hitting them if they didn't listen. It was like a form of forced respect but really was just because they feared me as I feared my mother. 

Before I would hit my siblings when I was the one being hit by my mom I remember telling myself that I would never hit my children because I didn't like getting hit; but here I was smacking my little brothers and sisters for them to fear me to listen to me, I was hit so many times that I forgot about that thought and felt like hitting was the only way to have someone understand what you are directing them to do. My family was based on fear and still is, I know that I am to forgive myself for all of what I have accepted and allowed here and I am to leave this fear that is behind me and to direct myself as what is best for all.

Hitting my siblings are not what is best for all, it is abuse and manipulation and control and inferiority and superiority. It was abusive for me to exist as hitting to control others by fear and I no longer want these memories to stay inside as if they are acceptable. They are abusive now and were abusive before, so I will forgive myself of what I have accepted and allowed which is the abuse of others through fear to feel on superior just because I have been inferior before.

Real Forgiveness Is From Self Not God

I have always asked god for forgiveness not realizing that my belief in that was what caused me to trap myself. I have stopped praying for a long time however but just because I have stopped does not mean I have taken care of the beliefs I held when I was younger, I am to take self responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within myself as who I am and who I was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is a god, which helped me believe that I do not have to take responsibility for what happens in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a god watched over all, which meant that I don't have to look after myself because god was, when I am to take responsibility for what is here and what I create in this world because god wont because he does not exist here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see god as almighty when just he cant even take responsibility for what he has created, there is nothing almighty about god, he is just made up in the mind to abdicate self responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pray to god every night to take care of me, which implied that I can not take care of self and thus abdicating self responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the bible was gods word, when words are here and are said by whats here and god is not here and never was.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in a heaven and that I would go there just because I believed in god, thus causing me to try and go to heaven instead of being here which is where I am, here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie in my head about there being a heaven when where it really was was in my head and no where else only because I believed it and a belief is not real, what is here is real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there were angels in heaven when they were slaves of gods ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prayer would help my life become better, when really all it was was me feeding my mind demons to to keep me enslaved.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that god created everything on the planet when we as humans have created everything that is here and that we are responsible as a whole to fix the holes that we have created in the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to god created everything thus abdicating self responsibility, everything is responsible for self not god.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that god created a divine plan implying that all are preprogrammed and and do nothing to get out of their cycle of abuse and struggle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pray to god every night forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was born in sin and that only gods forgiveness can save me, when I am not taking self responsibility for what I create and giving my responsibility to some made up god that does not exist here, thus showing self that only self can forgive self to save self from the preprogrammed self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame god and the devil for what is here when they aren't even here to take responsibility for what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all the things I existed as were sin when it was all in my head and not here as life thus separating self from self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a jesus and that he died for our sins, thus convincing me that all I have to do is ask for forgiveness from god every night and that I will go to heaven when I die.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there was a heaven after we die, thus not seeing that there can be a heaven on earth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that we are in gods image and likeness when there is nothing godly here, there is only abuse and neglect everywhere on this planet and it only continues to grow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame god for all of whats here when we are to what are responsible for what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to protect my idea and belief in a god when all I was doing was protecting my greatest fear which was taking responsibility for self and all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in god just because I wondered how are the human here, we are here because of the planet which is us, the planet is where we are from and it is where we came from so telling myself that god made us is denying self and the planet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that we are from earth, thus causing myself to lie to myself by saying that we are from god.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad or feel anger and hate when god did not answer my prayers, when it was I that created that anger with the belief that god has to do things for me when I am to do something about what I need not god.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the story about god was the ego of a god that is the creator that puts himself above all and is merciful to only his servant slaves, thus causing me to lie to self about what god really was.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of myself below anything of god, when I am in the my own creator and I am to take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing within my creation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be one of gods slaves, I can take care of self and I am to take responsibility for self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that god was perfect, thus blinding me from seeing that all he is is a separation of existence as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a mindless robot of gods enslavement plan to trap that believe, I am to take responsibility for me not god.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that god can be destroyed by equality, because I mind fucked myself into believing that god was invincible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved by gods trickery, thus showing how weak I have made myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in gods ego, which is not real; I am real and I am to support self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that god was going to judge me when I die; why do I need to be judged when I die if I know what I have accepted and allowed within self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that god is holy thus implying that god is higher then I.

The bible is proof that god does not exist, it is a book of him trying to prove himself and how he is the creator and how all should faithful servants of something that is not here in reality. I watch this reality and all I see is unnecessary death, disease, child abuse, child rape, child labor, prostitution, greed, stealing, poverty, and starvation; I need to be responsible for the change of this, if there was a god then he would see the same and would fix all of this bullshit like desteni will. Humans are responsible for this fucked up reality not god, and if you support god then you support the world to not change and for it to get worse because you rather think that some magical god has everything in his control when there is no magic in REALity. What does the bible do for people but make them feel good about themselves?, Nothing and the bible is suppose to be gods words, his word is what created the universe so why does it do nothing for this world but cause senseless murders and extreme separation?, Because it is not real, god is not real; we are whats real and we are the only ones that can do something about the abuse that we have caused all around the world. WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!