Monday, June 6, 2011

My Aggressive Behaviors That Seem Innocent.

I am always one to say a joke, whether its mean, funny, or judgmental. It comes from when I was a child, I use to make jokes about any and everything to all make myself laugh, I really didn't care if it made others laugh at all, it was mainly for me out of boredom and having a shitty life, these jokes were like a momentary escape from reality. I started doing it all the time towards almost anything.

I had not noticed this though until Matti had asked me where my aggression came from when I made a comment on FB to an anti-hate video towards Tom Darc. This question made me realize what and where this aggression came from. 

In class I was a class clown but with straight A's while I was younger, which implied to me that I could joke around in class and still get good grades which did not work later on in high school as my grades dropped because I got more into the jokes then the work I had to do for the class. I remember at lunch times in high school and after school that all I would do was make jokes the whole time with my brother and friends. These jokes turned into jokes about each other and shortly after that we started having joke battles. These jokes would be extremely mean towards each other. I would think of the most fucked up things about "my friends" to say about them just so that I can win or just so that I can feel like I won which was not real at all. They would be racists jokes, to physical feature jokes, to family member jokes which is complete separation from others even as jokes. No one took the jokes personally so the jokes were accepted by all my friends but that does not mean that the jokes were actually acceptable which was ironic.

Later on after high school I then go and have these two friends that just talked shit about everyone they passed by. I would join along because I saw it as funny, but it was really just abusive and being possessed by back chat. We would go to the mall and not even buy a thing but just walk around talking shit about people who didn't fit our invisible standards of how we think people should be, look like, or wear clothes. I didn't know those people, I didn't know why they are wearing what they wore, I didn't know why they looked the way they did, but none of that really matters as matter, it only matters as the mind which was complete separation from matter. I was existing as mind over matter, I cannot change what I did in the past but I can correct my ways of living here and now by stopping this insane pattern of abusive thoughts towards others.

I always thought of myself as a funny person but it was all just abusive the way I saw thing as funny, it was all just separation and I never really gave a chance for me to see this because of the amount of separation I caused myself to exist as by constantly existing in the mind and not paying attention to whats actually here which was the physical.

Now I only hang out with my girlfriend and the jokes are a bit different, I will pretend to smack her as she does this back to me, I will through my pair of socks at her and say haha I "socked" you. If I continue to exist this abusive and aggressive way then I will have a consequence that I will not be able to take back; I can see where this joking is going and I need to put a stop to it. I need to forgive my past and stop resenting it as if it is still here; it is only here because I choose to exist as the mind but it is not actually physically here. It is not here anymore, I am, and I will stop my mind from possessing me through my acceptance. I am to stop what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and change myself through forgiving myself to free myself from these possessions and live these corrections as me. My aggressive jokes are not whats best for all, they are not innocent, and they do not stand for all life here. Thank you Matti for revealing this to me and I thank myself for seeing these points and now stopping this aggressive behavior I choose to exist as; of course stopping this behavior will be a process but I will notice these aggressive reactions as they come up and when I do I will forgive myself and stop it every time I allow my joking behaviors and reactions to possess me or whenever they automatically come up. Breath is key and I will breath my way through the points and stand as self responsible for what I have accepted and allowed.

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