Wednesday, June 1, 2011

My Anger Towards Siblings

Ever since I could remember I got hit by my mom some of her friends and babysitters. One of my first memories of getting hit was when I was in first grade, my mom smacked me on the back so hard for who knows what and left a huge red hand print on my back. She told me to tell the teachers if they saw it that I got in a fight with my five year old brother. I thought this was stupid because my brothers hand was not that big but no one asked about it anyways. I would get hit everyday so hitting was like a form of learning for me, like I don't get to understand something until I'm hit. So from my understanding it was to hit someone to get the message across. 

I always hated it when my mom had extra kids because she would give me less and less attention because of the more children she would have. I realized that I was the oldest of them though and took advantage so to speak of my position. I would then hit my siblings as my mother hit me. Every time the didn't clean when they were suppose to, when ever they didn't listen to what I was directing them to do, what ever it was that they had done without permission, anything thing that had to deal with me being on top I would hit them to force them to understand me. By the time I was in fifth grade I was fighting all the time the second oldest sibling of mine and would hurt him and make him cry. Every I had hit them I felt like I was in control, that they are to listen to all of what I have to say through the fear of me hitting them if they didn't listen. It was like a form of forced respect but really was just because they feared me as I feared my mother. 

Before I would hit my siblings when I was the one being hit by my mom I remember telling myself that I would never hit my children because I didn't like getting hit; but here I was smacking my little brothers and sisters for them to fear me to listen to me, I was hit so many times that I forgot about that thought and felt like hitting was the only way to have someone understand what you are directing them to do. My family was based on fear and still is, I know that I am to forgive myself for all of what I have accepted and allowed here and I am to leave this fear that is behind me and to direct myself as what is best for all.

Hitting my siblings are not what is best for all, it is abuse and manipulation and control and inferiority and superiority. It was abusive for me to exist as hitting to control others by fear and I no longer want these memories to stay inside as if they are acceptable. They are abusive now and were abusive before, so I will forgive myself of what I have accepted and allowed which is the abuse of others through fear to feel on superior just because I have been inferior before.

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