Thursday, June 2, 2011

self forgiveness on hitting my siblings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see hitting someone is how you get the message across, when I am the one that accepted hitting as a form of teaching.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that hitting is how one learns, when this was only fed to me as a child from abusive parenting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts feelings and emotions towards me being hit as a child, I have created self from listening to my mind as to what it is I am to exist as and I am responsible for what I do after having the experience of abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mom for hitting me as a child, this anger came from the mind from me not liking me getting hit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of revengeful thoughts towards my mom whenever she hit me, these thoughts came from the mind through my acceptance and allowance and caused me to accept and allow anger towards my mom build up and be suppressed within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to suppress thoughts feeling and emotions within and as my being as water by seeing hitting as acceptable just because I got hit so many times that it in a way convinced me that hitting is acceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hatred towards my babysitters for hitting me, as I was just existing as the mind and not really seeing what was going on which was that they have been hit before to be taught.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have hateful emotions towards my mothers friends for hitting me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see that when my mom left a red mark on my back was stupid when she was obviously trying to make sure that what happens in the house stays in the house and that not to let anyone know about it because of fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my mom out of fear of being hit which taught me that hitting is how you direct someone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hitting was a way of getting a message across, which stemmed from my fear of being hit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that hitting is how one gets the message across, because it causes fear in others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate that my mother had other kids which took away some of the attention I would get from her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow in the footsteps of my mother by hitting my younger siblings, just because I realized that I can cause fear in them by hitting them as well so that they listened to me like I listened to my mom.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hit my brothers and sister just because I have been hit before.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i was in control for hitting my siblings when this was only because the fear the had within themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel regret after hitting my brothers and sister when I conditioned myself to see that hitting was a form of control over others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hit my siblings for not listening to me to make them listen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and prove my position on top of my siblings when we were equal and still are.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force my siblings to understand me through fear, just because I believed that was how you control someone, which was through fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel respected every time I hit my siblings to listen to me which was only made because of the separation that existed as which was getting forced respect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by my fear by becoming a child abuser towards my siblings just because I was the oldest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my younger siblings just because I was abused as well growing up and saw that abuse is how one comes to an agreement or understanding.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support my family of fear, by hitting my siblings to instill fear into them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have these memories of fear become one and equal to who I am, I no longer am letting these thoughts feelings and emotions be with and as my being, they are of the past and belong there, I am here now and will continue this abuse no further till I die.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as my mind and feel inferior towards my mother which made me have the need or feeling to become superior in some way and that was to do what she did to me to my siblings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to be superior just because I have felt inferior in the past due to my mothers and other adult abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my siblings into fear to listen to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become who I was which was the mind as an abusive system of control and fear and dominance over others, I now see that existing this way was in no way what is best for all and I will no longer be abusive towards others or hit someone to control them through their fears.

What will be interesting is that I will be seeing my mom and her children within two to three weeks and I haven't seen them for about three years. I want to see how I will react to when a situation comes up that I don't agree with, I know I will not hit them but I want to experience the corrective way of teaching them what is acceptable and what is abusive. I will blog during this experience to keep ya'll updated and myself as well.

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