I have been shaving my head on and off for about two or three months so it has not been something that I see as me doing as something consistant. I have always used my hair to be shaped in a way that I see as acceptable so that I can look cool or so have other see it as cool. To me this is me deludeing myself and manipulating others into liking me or accepting me in a way through my apprearence.
When I was in third or second grade was the first I can remember of me actually wanting a hairstyle, and that was to have cornrolls which is your hair braided down to your head. This desire came from seeing others with it which was one of my moms friends. I saw it as cool. so I wanted it. so I would grow my hair out as long as i could so that I could have this done everytime.
when i got to fourth grade I got lice so I had to shave my head, this sadden me a lot. At the same time my head was shaved I went outside to play with my dog and he barked at me as if I was a stranger and this caused me to run to my room crying for who knows how long. The next day I went to school and found out that I had a huge mole/ birth mark on the back of my head by kids making fun of it, saying" oh looks like you have a water bug on your head" and "oh a bird pooped on your head''. This made me sad as well and ever since i have been self conscious of exposing the back of my head in any way.
I realize that I was just engertically possessed by these feelings and fears to shave my head, and that the only reason I wanted my hair to be styled in any way was seeing that others with a particular style and wanting to immatate or copy it because I saw it as cool or because I was possessed by my mind.
I am committing myself to shaving my head daily to over come this fear of shaving my head, and to get over me wanting attentions from others. I was existing as separation by fearing to consistanly shave my head because I have experience an umcomfortability from shaving my head previously when I was a child. I will forgie myself on these points and I will live as me by shaving my head by facing my fear and over coming it.