Thursday, June 9, 2011

Words and Reading

Ever since I could remember I had always been what people would a poor reader, in class when I had to read out loud it would be considered slow to everyone including the teachers. I knew how to read perfectly it was just the processing of it was really slow. I remember being embarrassed because of this many times in class because of things we had to copy off from the board and I would always be the last one to finish. I had always felt a form of separation because of this from the world and everyone else. I would think of myself as stupid and illiterate. I would always be in my mind like why the hell is everyone so much faster then me at reading and comprehending. 

This feeling was through my whole younger phase of life and so I got to a point of frustration where I did not want to exist this way so I would read as fast as I could to myself and just read so fast that I was not comprehending any of what I had read. I then got use to reading this way for a long time and when I got older I started reading faster but never could register what it was that I would read and I would have to read over what I read again at least three or four times to understand what it was that I read. I found this really annoying but never realized that it was me that created all this neglect towards myself. I never saw that my comprehension towards reading was horrible because of my feeling towards how others thought of me and my fears of being stupid or looking dumb. 

I separated myself to a great degree through my mind and never really considered that some are just more faster then I am at reading, and that thats just the way things are. I never considered that I am the reader for myself, and that as long as I can understand what it is that I'm reading then the comparison of me towards how fast others can read doesn't really exists in the context of it is for my understanding.

I also have realized that all of this is due to values I have on all the words I read and words themselves. Me existing in the mind this whole time has compiled and confused the words that I read. Me always staying in my mind and never really comprehending a clear definition of what all words really mean, I would always have a vague understanding of almost everything I would talk about to others and a vague understanding of what I would read. I see how this leads me to judge so easily as well but perhaps that is another topic to discuss later. 

Now the crazy thing is that I have been blogging and reading lots of random blogs daily for around almost two months not really sure but I have noticed that I fly through words at a crazy pace and I have a full understanding of what I had read. I know this is because of the videos I've have watched from Sunette and other Destonians. I know this has greatly to do with the forgiveness I have been applying as well because of how clear I am experiencing myself to become. I see this as crazy because it I have never experienced anything like this in my life. The support is amazing from Destonians and only shows that they truly love their neighbors. 

My reading skills and comprehension is a lot faster and effective because I have chosen to actually support myself effectively. This whole time I have been worrying about what others thought of me when it is about me understanding all of what I have read and not how fast or how slow I am at doing it, it is about the effectiveness it has and not seeing it as a form of comparison which is separation of self. 

Oh and I also wanted to point out how I am more effective in writing as it takes less time for me to type out what it is that I am expressing which is cool as well.

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