Sunday, July 17, 2011

daily writing 7/17/11

i woke up (thought) "breathe for ten minutes". i than get up to work out (thoughts)"breathe the whole time throughtout your work out." my step dad decided to take all the kids to the muslim chruch and my mom says what do you want to do since this is the first time that the kids are not here? (thoughts) "fuck finally i never get a break with those demons" -"what should we do, i want boba"

 (feeling) excited that the kids are not home and that i can go get boba with my mom which is a drink. i told my mom lets go get some boba and we found out that it was closed. (emotion) angry that it is sunday and that the boba shop was closed.(thought) "well what are we going to do now that we cant get boba, fuck man this sucks, stop and breathe." 

my mom suggests to go out and get some chinese food, so we did at the mall. (feelings) excited because i can look at girls while im at the mall. we get there and order our food.(thought)"this chinese food sucks so much it taste nasty as hell" (more thoughts) "fuck man all the girls down here are ugly, this place is nothing like LA." we then start walking around then get to this animal place after eating. (thought) "damn these are the biggest cats ever, i want to pet them" 

we leave and i go back to breathe and tell myself(thought) "damn i sucked today at being here, all i did was judge and not concentrate on breathe." then we go to pick up the kids from the muslim chruch(emotion) anger because i hate waiting in the heat (thought) "why the fuck do we do we have to be here i hate religion anyways." one of her kids come out first and was crying, he than throws himself on the floor because me nore my mom could understand him, i try to pick him up and he keeps fussing and i tell him, "ima drag you" and my mom says no your not you better not(thought) "dont tell me what to do i tell myself what to do" and i dragged him. my mom got mad and slapped my arm lightly and said thats enough james. (feeling) i was amused by the whole situation. 

one of my other brothers had to stay with my moms husband as a punishment for not knowing how to memorize some muslim text(thought) "what the fuck he is not even a fucking arab so why the fuck is he getting in for not knowing how to speak the fucking language"(emotion) anger because of my brother having to stay longer to learn how to speak the text in arabian. my other brother says to my mom what the that is stupid he is a fucking american why is he being punished for not know how to speak arabian, (thought) "fucking brainwashing him." it turns out that they had him stand up for three hours and didnt even teach him, they have him try to understand it by himself while standing up and he complained that he couldnt concentrate because his feet were hurting from standing so long. (thought) " my mom is stupid to have let him go, he didnt even learn shit first of all and he had to stand the whole time he was gone this is just bullshit and they dont even teach him" (emotion) more anger because of what my brother went through because of the abusive religion and the people that follow it. 

so i started vlogging about my 21 days of working out shaving my head and enjoying the sun. my dog kept barking while i was vlogging(emotion) anger because he was interrupting me from my vlog. (thought) "ima put him in his cage for barking so much". that was my day and i can see the separation i chose to exist as. forgiveness will be apllied for the rollercoaster ride of the mind i accepted today.

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