Saturday, July 16, 2011

daily writing part one

I woke up today feeling angry and uncomfortable. i had only five hours of sleep which is not an excuse for me fueling this anger and grumpyness i experienced. the main reason though that i was angry was because i woke up to my little five year old sister listening to her alphabets in arabian. i have this belief in my head on how ugly the language sounds. but my little sister also has this problem with turning things on too loud. like the tv or the computer which i also find annoying so it was a combination of lack of sleep, this annoying arabian melody, and it being too loud. so i feed into this by not breathing because usually right when i wake up i lay down for an extra ten to fifteen minutes of just me being here as breathe to start my day which today did not happen because i allowed myself to be consumed by my minds anger towards all these complants. i didnt really act on it as much but it was to a point where my mom kind of noticed that i was grumpy because of the responses i gave. 
i then go on to write a letter to my girlfriend because she is in bootcamp right now and i havent been able to write to her in three weeks because of the poor city my mom lives in. which i am also a little pissed about because i cant recieve mail down here because my mom has a limit to her po box address to how many people can recieve mail to one po box. i then write to my girlfriend and basically complaining about how shitty it still is to live with my mom still. about her demon children, about my moms husband who is really violent person towards his kids yelling all day, about me not being able to find a job, ect. so this had me in a state of mind possession and it later on played out by me talking to my mom, she had told me that she wanted to see what she was going to do about her living situation since her and her husband are not working out so she basically wants to live with me and my girlfriend. i told her that i dont want her children messing my things up and if she lived with me and that i dont want muslim crap going off in mine and my girlfriends house and that her kids have to become destonians instead of being brainwashed with muslim bullshit. i only said this because of the feelings that possessed me when i woke up all grumpy. because what i was thinking before i said anything to my mom that if she lived with me that her kids are not going to continue to be muslim because it is an abusive religion and i formed this off of the beliefs that i hold about the religion, which is true that it is an abusive religion but i had no research done on the actual religion, all i had were beliefs on how i feel like it is a religion of abuse with no actual understanding of how it is an abusive religion. so i basically mind fucked myself into to only believing how islam is an abusive religion and because of these beliefs i dont want my mother to live with me if she continues these beliefs. 
i was tired the whole day and got to my work out later on during the day which is what i have been doing as soon as i wake up after i breathe for a while. this also had me in my back chat being pissed that i had to eat as soon as i woke up and had to wait for my food to digest. finally when i was done with my work out i went to breathe in the sun for ten minutes and told myself what the fuck james. the whole morning you were in your mind, you allowed it, so you correct it, and i forgave myself for fueling the system that i submitted to the whole morning.
the rest of the day was a bit of a pain because i had to watch the kids and they are just too much to handle at times, but theres nothing that breathe cant beat. i dont hit or yell at them, and they find this odd. because they are use to being yelled at or spanked when they do something that is unnecessary. i simply put them on time out and sit there with them while the are on time out and have them tell me how they are being irresponsible. this is why they find this wierd because they arent being hit, they are telling me and seeing that what they did was not required so they are basically facing themselves. interesting to have this happen though because normally i would just smack the shit out of them or yell at them to show them that i am in charge and that i am superior and that they are less then and that they have to bow down to master so to speak. but no this is not the case, they are seeing slowly that they are responsible for what they do and that they are to only do what is necessary, but of course they will make the same mistake but they get better and better at understanding that they are responsible for what they are doing and that they cant point the finger at someone else or denie what they have done. 
the last part of my day i decided to research more on the religion so that i dont have beliefs or feelings towards this muslim religion, so i watched some vids and looked at certain words and the difinition of the words that muslims frequently use so that i can see self honestly for what it is instead of just being this automated robot that judges based on stories i heard about or just thoughts that i have created previously about muslims. well yeah that was my day of emotions feelings and thoughts that need some rewiring. thanks for reading.

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