Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My Girlfriend Is Still Sick, and My 'MYND' fuck about it

so my girlfriend is in boot camp. :( i am use to being with her all day everyday, without her leaving my sight or me hers. she has been in boot camp for over a month now and i have been experincing a bit emotions towards this like saddness some times or thoughts of worry. for this whole month she has not recieved one letter from and i still dont know if she has which has added on to the thoughts and emotions i experince once and a while.i of course breathe through these thoughts and emotions when they pop up so that i can see what i am accepting and allowing instead of just submitting myself completely into a possession. but last night was totally diferent because so far i have recieved two letters from her and the last letter i recieved was last night.

the first letter she explains that she has become sick with the flu, now this bothered me a bit as i started blaming the boot camp because i automatically assumed that this sickness she got was from the navy having them take the flu shot. i stopped as i read futher through her letter and she claimed that she was getting a lot better so i was like this is cool.

the main reason i was mad was because she is not easy to get sick,because the whole time i have been with her i have not seen her sick for one day, but the second letter i get she claims that she has a fever, with the chills, and mugus so this pissed me off because the first letter she said that she was getting better but now in the second letter she is getting worse. i than start having all these thoughts till eventually i become a bit uneasy and start feeling really light headed while sitting down reading this letter.

i stopped myself in that instant as soon as i started feeling this way and started breathing but it was just over coming my very being, basically physically possessed to where my thoughts were over coming my breathe as well. i would try to interrupt my thoughts with others thoughts like stop, look what you are doing to yourself, get yourself together james, you are losing yourself in your emotions right now.

still nothing so the thoughts got worse like " what if she dies, i dont want her to die, everything we are working for now will all go down the drain if she dies, what will i do, can i handle her dying, what will i do with myself, she cant die," so after i noticed or was actually aware of these possessing thoughts i got up even though i didnt physically feel like it went outside and started talking to myself out loud in self honesty to stop this insanity that i created. eventually i gotmyself back to here and told myself to never allow such separation again while concluding this self honest talk with myself. i needed to direct myself, i went to far within the thoughts and allowing these emotions to over come me. what a mind fuck but really i still want to know how she is doing, i have no real way to cantact her so this is something that i have deal with and wait till she can call me or something because anything else such as thoughts feelings and emotions are not what is practical to handle this situation. much forgiveness will be applied on all the diferent points i supported within this one moment.

damn MYND, how can i allow myself to be such a victum of you, i never rarely experience emotions because i would always suppress them by always trying to look at the bright side or by joking about the situation which is no way to handle self, so here are some of the emotions coming out that i have suppressed thanks for reading, keep standing james and stop falling!!!!!

2 comments:

  1. yo man, when ever your body experiences new climate there is an adjustment. From all of my traveling experience, evertime im out of the country for the first couple of days my body does some weird shit, my shit and piss is random colors, i have random headaches, feel like i need to throw up, but after about a week, i feel normal again, Im sure the mental & physical adjustments dont help either, like thoughts of never getting back home or seeing your loved ones from having extreme jet lag that makes you feel delusional. Im sure she'll be fine, long distance is rough, welcome to part of my life.

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  2. yeah i was just over reacting because of the thoughts i had and the feelings i have for her. i dont consider anything else besides my thoughts when the emotions pop up so i just need to bring myself back here. stop myself and stop allowing myself to participate in the mind. yeah i realized that though that leaving your original spot fucks with the body but it is only a temporary thing that shows that the body is just adjusting to its new surroundings

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