Thursday, July 28, 2011

My Relationship And How Love Is Not Real

So I have been going out with my girlfriend for about six years. This is something that I should have written in my first blogs but really I just wanted this to be avoided, as I didn’t want to try and give up the love I have for my girlfriend Anna.

I had grew up mostly around Asians, so when I grew up and started to be attracted to girls it was Asians that I was attracted to and Anna is Asian.

While in high school when I was in tenth grade I wanted to go out with an Asian girl so much, it was like stuck in my head this picture that the perfect girl for me would be an Asian. Anna fit the picture as in my mind of who I wanted to have as a partner.

Now around this time she was deeply into her emotions because she never really had friends and was pretty much lonely. So she had fallen in love with me in short amount of time. When she told me this I felt special, wanted, like someone needed me, which feed my ego.

A little after I fell in love with her too and things seemed so perfect, I would leave my house late at night just to see her. We even slept on a school roof one time just so that we could be together. We did crazy things for each other just to be together to experience this mind agreement we both had on the idea of love. The interesting thing about this love though was that I did not experience this love while she was not present, this is why I went through great extremes to see her whenever I could so that I can have this mind drug of love that I defined her according to. When she was not with me I felt this emptiness and just sadness so it was a point of polarity where when I was with her I would feel blissful and completely satisfied, and then when it came to her not being with me I would drop in to a sorrow or become dissatisfied which created the love to feel or seem more real which was this polarity friction.

Now I am at a point where this is happening to me yet again. I was with her for a complete three years of seeing each other every day all day so I hardly missed her so I was filled on this love drug or mental chemical reaction for three years straight. The thing though was that I was that I was living with her the whole time in secrecy so her dad didn’t know the whole three years. It got to a point where we both were tired of living this way which was dishonest and she decided to go to the navy.

So she is currently in boot camp and I have not seen her for over a month and emotions kind of pore out of me. I stop them yes but never know where they really came from. I know it is due to all of the emotions I suppressed while being in love and basically not wanting to deal with them running away from my emotions with love weed and jokes all day, ignoring these emotions like they aren’t something I dare not face. This is just fear and the funny thing is that I always wonder how humans lived in fear, because desteni always explains that human’s beings live in fear and I just ignore that because to me the only fear I was aware of was bees. I see now though that I constantly live in fear by running and hiding away from my emotions, that is why I want love so much, that is why I joke so much, that is why I smoked so much, because I never wanted to face my emotions, because I never wanted to deal with the real me, because I always ran from what I experience myself as and now that I am writing this it is causing so much inner turmoil because this is what I have been trying to escape my whole life.

This love I had for Anna kept me away from all my fears. This is why I loved her so that I did not have to face myself. What is interesting is that I would have never realized this if I never wrote it. This love was never real; it was just a tool in which I used to not face myself. While being blinded by love I never gave myself the chance to support myself. I am afraid to support myself because I never actual had before I came across desteni and the tools they provide. They have you face you with no excuses.

Before I wrote this blog I wrote a letter to Anna and told her that I don’t want to be in a relationship based on love, I don’t want her on the top of my mental mind pyramid of who I value as more better than others. That our love is not real but the agreement we are in is real so I want to be in a relationship for what it is real which an agreement is. I’m sure she will see the commonsense in what I wrote about our love and how it is not real. If she doesn’t than either she stays in agreement with me or not her choice but I no longer want to base our relationSHIP that takes me on a cruise away from what I need to face. This is just my love for her, I will go into the mind further as I uncover more about this love I feel only when I’m with Anna, and since that is only when I experience this love than love is in fact not truth because truth is here at all times for all to see and stands the test of time like the physical reality we are in so love does not stand the test of time if it is not here always. Love is not real if comes when a person comes and goes when that person goes.

So this is what I got out of my love I created so far, thanks for reading, I enjoyed this.

1 comment:

  1. Hi James - thanks for sharing

    I suggest now that you're daring to open and see this for yourself to actually read and walk through the vast material existent on Agreements as it's not that 'easy' to simply shuffle the name from a previous relationship of "love" into an agreement wherein actual physical participation is also a key point to call it an 'agreement'.

    For now I suggest you take your time to walk the entire relationship point for yourself and go applying self forgiveness for all the points wherein you missed-you in the entire equation - just as you started seeing how you've suppressed yourself through other points of addictions.

    Relationships prevents us from facing ourselves - now that you are alone you'll have plenty of time to get to know yourself, get to be by yourself and enjoy the process within that because in essence, we've sought relationships 'outside' of ourselves instead of ever realizing we must first establish this relationship with ourselves to then be able to walk with another - otherwise it's just a point created out of need for an apparent 'fulfillment' which is not real but only standing as a desire of the mind.

    Ok cool - see you at the forums