Monday, July 4, 2011

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

A possession of the mind with feelings of anxiety and constant thoughts creating an uneasy feeling. I have an OCD and I see that I have only created this disorder myself through my participation. I accept and allow the thoughts that come up and make me feel anxiety and I create this uneasy feeling when ever my mind as me sees the opportunity to do so/ to participate within this OCD I created.

So my OCD is looking at something, then I will blink away from an object person or thing and if I see an after image of the object person or thing I  then will have the urge/ obsession to blink at the same thing twice creating a second after image.

I have done this ever since I can remember, and it has been a big problem I have had. The reason it is a problem is because of how constant I do this, it is all day through out the day and rules over my very being. I don’t do it as much as I use to three months ago and I see that the reason is because of all the self forgiveness that I have been applying taking out certain parts of my minds possessions lessening a lot of my others patterns.
So I have been doing this ever since I was a child, and if your not sure of what it is that im talking about then look at a light, any light and look away really fast, as you can see there will be an after image of the lights glare that is still visible, well every time I had an after image of anything not just light but a person as well or anything then I would have to look at it again and blink away for it to be caused/created again.

I look back and can see where this OCD came from, and it was when I was a child. I had this obsession with even numbers, everything I did had to be done twice, because I had the belief that even numbers were my favorite numbers because they were even lol, and that odd numbers were just odd so they aren’t even so I didn’t like them. This ran with me for a while till I started doing things in an even amount of times, like if grazed my arm across something funny or weird then I would have to do this again, if I had step on a crack while walking and thought it felt different from other cracks on the floor then I would have to step on it again. Just basically repeating certain actions twice that felt out of the norm.

So I can see clearly how I created this from an early age and how I possessed myself of this OCD. I see how every time that it happens till this day that it is do through my participation and that I need to stop this because the starting point of this OCD was of separation. Even numbers are the same as odd numbers and for me to believe that they are different and for me to live this belief out by participating with my OCD is just a manifestation of separation.

Whenever this point of manifested separation(my OCD) comes up I will forgive myself for allowing this system that I created to run me and control me instead of me directing me as life. Many others may have OCD’s but they are all self created, they are responsible for their creation as am I to mine so to rid myself of this separation I will take self responsibility and forgive myself for this every time this point comes up.

thanks for reading


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