I went for a walk last night, breathing being here to communicate with myself about giving up on self. I did this because this whole time I have been giving up on stopping smoking. I never saw it within myself that I can stop smoking; I never saw this as a possibility. So while walking and talking I told myself to first keep this simple, don’t get lost on some random point just stay here focused on this giving up point that you allow yourself to be.
So I asked myself, why do I give up? I looked at that and saw that me giving up on myself is me not facing myself, simple. So I looked at the point even further and just kept talking out loud to clarify how I don’t want to face myself. The reason I see giving up as acceptable is only because I have lived it. Living this giving up-ness has allowed me to live my life to not face myself. So because I live giving up on myself I never saw that it was required for me to face myself.
What is funny is that it is not required for one to give up. Giving up on self and not facing self is not a requirement to live so this whole time of me living as this ‘failure’ you can call it, has been just a mind fuck of excuses and justifications that I believed were acceptable to live as.
What was funny is that when I went through this point of giving up it took me a while to see that giving up was not ‘standing’, and the reason that was is because I never really stood in my life, just blindly soaked in information, being this gullible machine that sucked in information and spit it out.
I came to understand that I need to stand. I have to stand because otherwise I will just be giving up and falling or failing. Falling is just the consequence of not standing and that is not to be feared (falling). I have fallen enough through my life and through my process. It is time for me to take this point by point slowly so that I can see what I am doing instead of finding some short cut fast route which would cause one to miss the simplest of all points.
I tried to find the source of the problem, like where have I before experienced or learned or picked up this giving up within self to not face self. I paused for some time, just focusing on breathe and looking for the point to bring here but never found it. I came to realize that this is an unconscious point that was taught to me unconsciously through friends and family. This point was not a deliberate point in where friends and family directed me saying “James give up and don’t face your problems” no. This point was learned without my awareness. I programmed myself without the intension, so through my participation with others giving up on themselves and not facing themselves which is socially accepted but in an unconscious sense. So say others are smoking cigarettes to not face themselves which they are than I come along and smoke for the same reason but have this lie that I do it for enjoyment. Whether I am aware or not, I support all reasons why one would smoke.
I came to see at the end of this communication with self that if I am giving up and supporting giving up than I am supporting all to give up on themselves and not face themselves. If I do what is required and face myself here in every moment as breathe than I am supporting all to do stand and face who they allow themselves to be.
Today I have had really light cravings but directing self and standing is way more effective to live, plus with the rewiring of my pre-existent idea of smoking and revealing what is actually was which help support the cravings to just be light to the point where I can face them instead of just submitting and falling every time. I forgive myself whenever I think of a cigarette and stop the mind and its abuse. Cool stuff here and we will see if this point will be transcended by me.
Well thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed as I did. Always here James