I went out for a talk. I first walk as I did the four count breathe which is cool to do while walking because every four steps I will breathe in for four steps, than hold for four steps, than out for four steps, than hold out for four steps and so on.
I did this for who knows how long, but it was for a good period of time if you will.
I start talking after I knew I was completely stable, here, clear, and ready to take on this point that I dared to face which was stopping smoking.
I had stopped for two days. I noticed though that through those two days that the cravings were gone and all I had left were just weak thoughts. So what I did was when a thought came up about smoking a cigarette I would do a one liner self forgiveness state meant and breathe through it.
Eventually I fell after two days with no smoking.
Well this walk I just went on now discussing this point was about why did I fall within this point that was going so well. Well I noticed that I re-LIED on this point that there was no urges anymore, that I was pretty much happy that the cravings that once possessed me daily were gone so I am fixed, that I am fine, that I am done. Obviously this was not so as I fell eventually just relying on this “accomplishment” of I have no more urges.
Another point that came up while on this walk was that I always was dishonest with self and others about cigarettes. I would hide it from people like my girlfriend, and now my moms husband. I never talked this point out or faced it, and what it is showing me is that by me hiding smoking that I am being dishonest towards others which is really dishonest with self because I am the one living as something that I am not which is still smoking. It is a reflection on how I am dishonest with self for me to hide that I smoke cigarettes.
I need to get over this and face my dishonesties. I see from all this that every time I have a thought of smoking a cigarette to look at that point and do more of an effective self forgiveness so that I can have more of an effective application within living my correction. That whenever I have a thought no matter how light it is or insignificant it seems that I am to take self responsibility for what I allow within myself still. I need to be self determined in directing self to face self in every moment that self needs to be faced. I need to become one and equal to the thoughts that I have and not in a participating way where I act on the thought, but in a way that I can see what I am existing, so that I can see what I am allowing and simply put a stop to it right than and there, instead of relying on the fact that I deleted the urges or cravings I once had. the thoughts are what caused the cravings in the first place so the thoughts are what are left within me so now it is a matter of me facing these thoughts till they are here no further, till all that remain is me here.
I will myself to stop these thoughts that are still lingering inside me that still cause me to smoke, I stop myself from not seeing myself as one and equal to these thoughts to stop them at all times. I am here as breathe so in every breathe I will face myself and stop the suppression I cause myself to experience thus creating me to time loop and continue the same abuse that I once feared facing. I stand for myself as myself as my breathe to stop the abuse that I have allowed for too long now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to share this blog for all to see, thus hiding from others the dishonesties live, therefore hiding myself from myself to not face self.
I stand no matter how much I fall, I will get back up until I’m done.
Thanks for reading always here James