Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Starving the mind

So I went for a walk to focus on my breathe the night before and as soon as I went out the thought of a cigarette came over me and I told myself, “I am out here for breathe” so I started breathing for five minutes and started talking to myself out loud, in a direct way for self realization, because if I did thins in the mind it would pretty much just end up as a mind fuck and not as supportive as it would not be here with me aloud in the physical.

What I started talking about was me failing within my cigarette consumption and how this whole time I was not facing myself while smoking cigarette. I started with asking myself why do I even want to quit? Because for months I have been putting this point off and not actually dealing with it. I know it is because I don’t feel like I can will myself to do this, because I think I am to weak to handle such a point which is my cigarette addiction. So I realized that I my starting point in wanting to stop being a smoker was simply a point of fear. A fear of self destruction, a fear of death. I asked myself well what is this fear coming from? Obviously it was the from the consequence from being a smoker which was self destruction or death. I realized that this was not to be fear because it was just the consequecne when someone only considers to abuse themselves instead of supporting self.

I than told myself well the obvious consequence from being a non-smoker is supporting self to remain here and for me to support myself here, I must not have a starting point of fear or stop smoking because of fear because if I do than what am I allowing? I am allowing myself to be controlled by this fear and not controlling myself directing myself because if I feel forced or will be forced to quit smoking than I am still subjected to preprogramming or subject to the mind as fear. I told myself that I will be my consequence so that I am not controlled by prepregramming. I told myself that I will not be a smoker anymore out of fear of self destruction and that I will determine my consequence through my awareness instead of blindly going through life.

This whole time I never saw quiting a possibility. Like I always wanted to for about two years but never thought I could and I have forgave myself but never really live the forgiveness because I thought of self forgiveness as this mericle worker when it is in fact not. It is a great tool for self realization and seeing how one has accepted and allowed certain points within self but it is not magic and does not stop self, only self can stop self and that is through tools like self forgiveness, breathing, self corrective application, and self honesty.

When I woke up yesterday, I started breathing. Usually after I am done with breathing for ten minutes I will have this uncontrollable urge to smoke a cigarette. But yesterday I didn’t even pop up, no urge nodesire, no thought. I found this fascinating, and hours go by with still no intension for a cigarette. Finally in the afternoon I have a feeling that basically says”hey its cigarette time.”now this is the same feeling I get everyday when I crave a cigarette but this was more extremely light as it was not as controlling as it had been on me before in where I would normally feel like I HAVE TO have a cigarette. It was so light that I didn’t act on it. I was able to control myself to stop myself from being controlled by what I have accepted and allowed which was really interesting.

So I went the whole day without smoking one but than I fell. I smoked one around 10:00pm last night but when I smoked it, it was not a point of desire for one, it was more of the sense of me giving up, and not actually wanting to give up my self interest. So this point of me giving up will be discussed with tonight as I go for another walk so that I am clear with myself and can actually stop this whole cigarette point that I have been putting off for some time now. From what I see right now is that I smoked last night because I feel as if I have already gaven up on myself. This will be handled tonight as I said in where I will find the sorce of me and my giving up-ness.

Thanks for reading, always here James

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